12-23-2012

                Happy Christmas Eve Eve. I have no idea when this will actually get posted, but I’m writing it on the 23^rd. I’ve been home for just over a week and nothing super exciting has happened. Obviously the world didn’t end on Friday. Finals week went fine. I didn’t stay super on top of my studying, mostly doing it the night before each test. I had four tests. They all went alright. I must have kicked ass on one of them, because I ended up with the highest grade in that class. My grades weren’t as good as past semesters since I was dealing with the whole depression/extreme procrastination, but they were perfectly respectable. I’m just super lucky, being really smart and everything just working out in my favor. Barry was in town on Thursday of finals week to take care of some stuff since he was graduating that Saturday. We went out to eat and talked and he spent the night in my room. I sort of came out to him, but we didn’t really talk about it, so he’s still a little in the dark about stuff. I knew he’d be OK with it, though, since his roommate the year I met him was bi. I was a little sad I couldn’t drink that Thursday night, since I had a test on Friday as well as an appointment with Dr. H and then I left right after my test. All my friends were done on Thursday so they were out together on that night. Oh, well. It was fun seeing Barry. I wish my mom had come to pick up me and Lils on Saturday so I could have had a night to screw around with Vee and Anneh and them Friday night.

                Home hasn’t been too exciting. I haven’t been able to hang out with high school friends yet. I did run into one friend while she was at work, so we got to talk a little bit. I’m hanging out with her and a group of other people next week sometime. I’ve read three books, watched a bunch of movies. I went to a couple movies in the theater with Mum and Lils. One of them was the Hobbit. It was alright, but I’m more a fan of the book. Mostly I’ve been sitting at home. We have way too many holiday snacks in the house, so I’m eating and sleeping way too much. My older sister is driving home tonight, so she should be home in a couple hours. I went to the mall with my dad when he was trying to find a gift for Mum. I saw a couple people I hadn’t seen in years walking around there, though none I knew enough to say hello (except my aunt and my cousin. Of course we talked to them.) One of the guys I saw got really hot. He’d always been sort of cute, but wow. It must have been a lot longer since I’d seen him than I realized, because he’d definitely grown. But as I could have predicted, nothing has really been happening with guys here at home. I’m really limited in internet privacy, so I can’t chat to any guys online, and since I’m in the house most of the day, I don’t even get to check out guys walking around. It makes it easier to forget about the whole gay thing. I’ve also noticed, however, that I’m less content here at home. It seems more restrictive. I’m thinking more about coming out to my parents. It’s still not going to be something I’m going to do in the immediate future, but it’s looking like it might happen a lot sooner than I would have thought if you’d have asked me a couple of months ago. I’ll just have to wait and see what happens. Anyway, I hope everyone has a good Christmas. It’s actually going to be a semi-white Christmas where I am (it snowed last Wednesday) if it doesn’t warm up in the next couple of days (our first white Christmas in a couple years. It usually waits until January to snow much).

Happy 12-12-12

Yep, that's pretty much it. I just wanted to say that since I just noticed that that was today. I love when numbers match up. Like when the DVD player says 1:23:45. Done with two of my finals, only two more to go!

12-8-12

So, not a super exciting week. It was the last week of classes and finals are next week. I haven’t been up to a lot. Josh randomly texted me earlier in the week, but nothing ended up happening out of that. I saw Jorge in the eating hall randomly. I thought that was weird because he’d told me that he’d never eaten in that eating hall in all his four years at college. I’m kinda confused why he’d just randomly decided to try it this week. I ate with my sisters Tuesday night and Vee last (Friday) night. I got a little tipsy with Vee since she was driving. I sobered up pretty quickly and hung out with her until she left to go to a party with one of her other friends. I wasn’t feeling drinking more and I’m not good at parties, so I decided to just go to bed. So yeah, that’s about it. Nothing really exciting happened at all. I haven’t met any guys, and it’s almost break. I’m definitely not going to meet anyone back home so I’m kinda getting ready to put everything on pause. I don’t know if I’ll get another post posted before I go home next Friday. As always when I’m at home, it’s a little random when I can post things, and it might not be when I write them (hooray greatly reduced internet access. Oh well. It’s kinda nice to have a forced reduction in computer time.) So yeah, that’s my life. I’m sick of the Christmas season already. Joy. Anyway, I hope everyone has a good week.

Also here’s a quote I heard the other day that I thought was hilarious:

“I'm in an abusive relationship with life. It keeps beating the hell out of me, and I'm too cowardly to leave it” – Homer Simpson

12-01-12

                Happy first of December! Thanksgiving break was pretty good. I didn’t get any homework done during it, but I did see some friends from high school. On Saturday I saw Ex for lunch with her and Lils. I went out for drinks that evening with one of my good friends from high school. He’d just turned 21 the week before. His license was expired by a week, so for some reason the bars wouldn’t accept it as proof of his identity. We ended up wandering around town drinking random places after stopping by a liquor store. Lils went to a movie with one of her friends that night. She drove me and my friend home that night after she was done with her friend. I was pretty hung over the next morning and puked a bunch. I told my parents I had some new scars and I had started meds. I got some creams from a dermatologist for some of my scars. I had lunch with a group of random friends/semi-friends on Wednesday. They were talking about some people from our class getting engaged. The friend I drank with on Saturday had actually gotten married this summer. Ex (who’s good friends with his wife) had been forbidden from telling me, and he had assumed Ex had told me. I don’t think they got married for the right reasons (financial convenience) and my friend’s parents don’t have a great record with long-lasting marriages. My friend did seem to be enjoying saying “my wife.” I do hope everything works out for him. Thanksgiving itself wasn’t too exciting on either side of the family. I came back to Iowa City on that Sunday. I had a quiz Tuesday. I didn’t get my paper that was due Friday even started, so that’s going to be turned in late on Monday. Vee and I went shopping on Friday evening. I got some clothes a lot different than I normally wear. I kind of spent a lot of money. Oh, well, the extra from my scholarships with cover it. I’m just kinda trying something new with myself. That’s kind of my solution to everything: Try something new. I like trying new things. Even if I don’t like the thing itself, it’s still and adventure trying it.

                I saw Jorge on Tuesday walking to class. I just kept my head down, so it wasn’t that awkward (for me at least), but now I’ve been thinking about Jorge all week. I really did like him. It’s been a month since we stopped talking, and I’ve over-thought everything that happened. I’m more confused about the whole situation than ever. As I’ve said before, even if Jorge and I didn’t end up getting together that way, it would have been nice having a masculine, closeted gay friend. Vee has a lot of gay friends, but I find most of them irritating. I wish I could just talk to Jorge again, see if things maybe could be smoothed over. I still haven’t found any guys on the website that I met Jorge on that are as much fun to talk to as he was. They’re all either all about sex, or they just aren’t interesting conversation. I really don’t know why I can’t get over Jorge, though. We didn’t talk that long, and I honestly don’t know that we would have been any good together. I think it’s because the way we stopped talking was just abrupt and gave no closure. I just hate being irrational like this. But like my counselor said, you can’t think away your feelings or ignore them. You just have to learn to feel them and manage them. Something I’m not very good at. He said my some of my depression might be from bottling up a lot of feelings I don’t want to feel. Which is something I do. Something to work on.

                I haven’t seen or done anything with Josh either, so my entire “gay” life is on hold right now. We only have a week left of class and then a week of finals, and then I’m home for a month. It’s REALLY unlikely anything with any guys will happen while I’m home, and I don’t think anything’s going to happen before finals, so looks like I’m back in limbo for a month or two. I really do wish I could find a real relationship. But it’s really hard to find a gay guy I find attractive more than physically. The ones on this one actual dating (as opposed to hookup) site that sound like what I’m looking for are never in my area. All I can find is guys who want hookups. Like this guy earlier today. I was trying to turn him down politely and suggested he should find someone who would be better prepared for a hookup today. He was like “But I want you!” I replied “I’m flattered, but you don’t even know me.” He was so confused by that. He didn’t see what that had to do with hooking up with someone. I really see no hope for my future like this. Seriously, it’s just a bunch of people all about sex. Sex, sex, sex. I’m sick of it already. It would be easier to just immerse myself. However, I don’t want to. I think this is why there’s this stereotype of the newly out guy swearing he won’t be a slut. He’s forced to become one if he wants any sort of intimate interaction with other gay guys. It’s a slippery slope, and I’m going to try my best not to fall down. I probably will, though. Not gracefully, though. Kicking, clawing, and cursing myself all the way.

                This is more of a whiny/bitchy post than most of my recent ones. Oh, well. I have to get it out somehow. Plus I’m slightly depressed tonight. Hooray.

                Anyway, I hope you all have a good weekend.

11-16-12

So this is going to be a short post. I have to finish packing up and then I’m going home for a week. I won’t be able to post at home, and I think I’m actually just going to leave my computer at school. So last weekend was pretty bad. I spent most of it pretty depressed. I ended up going to bed rather than finishing my lab report since I couldn’t stand the thought of having hours more of suicidal thoughts while working on my report. My report ended up being turned in two days late and screwing up my sleep schedule for the week. The TA who’s grading this report is a complete bitch, so I’ll probably get ripped a new one on it. Oh, well. That’s a problem for future me. I had three appointments this week, and I was feeling pretty good about things. I’m actually looking forward to trying some of the things people suggested to help me. Basically it comes down to I need to learn to like myself. My counselor wasn’t nearly as focused on my sexuality thing week. It was nice. I haven’t seen Josh and didn’t have any more awkward encounters with Jorge. I ran the bell collecting donations for the Salvation Army outside a grocery store Wednesday night with Vee. I’m starting to get used to talking about guys and stuff with her. So, yeah, I’m almost done for the week and get to go home. I just have to finish tutoring a girl in an hour or so. It’s looking like break’s just going to be a bunch of sitting around and maybe seeing some old friends from high school. My mom’s mom has been having some really bad back problems lately so that side of the family is coming to our house for Thanksgiving. We usually go out to a restaurant for my dad’s side. I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving and eats entirely too much!

11-10-12

                This is kind of long. I’m sorry about that. But it also has more to do with gay issues than a lot of my dated “journal” style entries. So it might be interesting.

So this week has been insanely full of stuff and everything has happened so fast. Maybe it won’t seem like it when I write it down, but last Monday seriously feels more like 2-3 weeks ago instead of 5 days. So to start, I had an appointment with one of the school counselors on Monday morning. I’ve heard from both him and Dr. H I’m very hard to work with initially, lol. I know I’m stubborn in new situations, but I get past it as I grow more comfortable with stuff. This doctor was kind of at a loss for what to talk about with me until I finally brought up that I’m gay. He, of course, attributes all my problems with depression and no motivation and self-harm to my issues with my sexuality. I have no idea if that’s right or not. He did appreciate the fact that he’s one of the few people I’d ever told in real life. He was glad I brought it up, and I think he realizes how easy it would have been for me not to tell him. Our session would have been completely useless if I hadn’t told him. Of course I knew I’d have to tell any counselor I talked to, which may be part of the reason I avoided going to any in the past. Overall, I did like the doctor, and I have an appointment with him next Monday as well, but the University only offers “short term” counseling so both him and Dr. H are encouraging me to contact an outside practice so I can set up something longer term. We’ll see. I’m kinda sick of all the different doctors and stuff for all this stuff. Maybe my sexuality is the problem and I just need to embrace it. I also met up/fooled around with Josh again Monday night. He actually stayed the whole night, and left in the morning.

                Tuesday I had a test, was a little stressed out, and therefore depressed. Me and Vee hadn’t actually talked in a while since she had been in one of her “I’m sick with so-and-so” moods towards me. When I get down, I just get fed up with lies and subterfuge sometimes, and so I texted Vee asking if we could talk later. We met up after our classes for our drinks. She was going on about something in her life and not really giving me a chance to speak. I was being pretty quiet. After we ordered some stuff, I finally screwed up my courage and said something along the lines of “What if I said I hooked up with someone this weekend?” She was completely surprised and asked a bunch of questions one right after the other until she got to the one I’d been setting her up for. “Who?” “His name is Josh…” “Oh. Oh! You know, I first suspected you might be bi when…” I interrupt “Vee, I’m gay.” I did remember what she was referring to with the suspecting I was bi. It was a drunken conversation with this one guy the summer after my freshman year. She said she thought she was reading too far into my one comment (which was “no comment” in response to the guy’s question) and hadn’t really suspected anything. She asked me a couple questions about stuff, but I started replying with “I don’t know” to everything. I really didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t feel happy and free like most people say they do right after telling someone for the first time. That took a couple days to kick in.

                Wednesday, after my first lecture, I saw Jorge on the sidewalk. He was actually first on an intersecting sidewalk and I saw him from a ways back and just prepared to keep my eyes down and pleasantly ignore each other. I reached where our sidewalks intersected ahead of him and saw him abruptly stop and then awkwardly try and make it look natural out of the corner of my eye. Really? Grow up! We’re both adults, we can avoid acknowledging each other without having to be like Jr. High girls avoiding a boy about it. He walked a distance behind me for a block or two until I had to turn. It was so awkward when I had to turn back to check if there were any cars coming to cross the street. I pretended I didn’t notice him lurking back there, and I suppose he thinks I didn’t see him at all. That’s all you have to do, just let your eyes slide over the person when you look at them. You don’t have to make things super awkward by going out of your way to avoid someone who isn’t even going to try and talk to you. Like I said, I don’t think we would have been that good of friends even if we kept talking. We think differently. Though obviously I still have some mixed emotions about him since I’m devoting so much time describing such a short interaction. I really wish I could get into his mind. There’s a part of the story I can’t be sure about, which is why I don’t want to tell it. Was it all my fault? Is he being immature? Is there another reason that I don’t know? I’ll never know since we don’t talk any more. C’est la vie.

                I think it was Wednesday night Vee and I went to Applebees to eat and talk more. We talked a little more about me being gay, but not a whole lot. She was still adjusting to the idea I think, but I was already starting to enjoy having someone to talk to about stuff. It really is kinda freeing and all that. As I told her, “It’s so weird talking about guys with someone.” We ate out again together last night (Friday). This time we talked more about gay issues, my slight attraction to girls, and how I used to get teased a little for being gay in Jr. High, before I convinced everyone I was straight. I told Vee that part of the reason I was reluctant to come out to her was because she had so many gay friends already. She doesn’t go out and try and meet them, she just does and gets along with them. Of course, I’ve known her for a year or two before she met all her gay friends. But there was still that sense that it’d make me just another one. Vee also has this strange a thing where she’s friends with a ton of engineers. She compared it to that. She said if I suddenly switched to an engineering major, I wouldn’t just become another engineer friend to her. It wouldn’t change that we’re still good friends.

                After that, Vee and I met up with one of her gay friends and his friend. I’d never met him before, and I didn’t like him at first, but I grew to appreciate his sarcastic, blunt humor as the night went on once I realized he wasn’t just being a dick. You could sort of tell he was gay (and he was kind of a whore), but he wasn’t really feminine or flamboyant. Vee doesn’t like that type either, so most of her friends are pretty normal. Anyway, they started drinking. At first I wasn’t going to join, but I decided I couldn’t take them sober, so I joined too. It was fun. Anneh and one of her roommates (a guy, another friend of Vee and me) joined too. Anneh drank, her roommate didn’t. We decided to stop by this one girl’s birthday party. I was being a little flirty with the gay guy on the way down there, and Vee and I kept dropping back to talk. He’s really not my type (though I decided he wasn’t so hugely far off once I got used to his humor, but that was later), but I was still flirting with him because there’s this appeal just because you know a guy’s gay and therefore possibly interested in you. It’s kinda irritating. Most of the time I can ignore it, but not when I’m on alcohol apparently. Oh, well. I didn’t make a fool of myself. We didn’t stay long at the party. I recognized this one cute Asian guy there from my dorm. We always make awkward eye contact and half smile when we see each other. I kinda wanted to go talk to him, but I decided that was a bad idea since we were both drunk and he’s probably straight. It’s easy to read too far into the eye contact when you’re drunk. So I was good and didn’t talk to him. We left the party and Anneh and her roommate kind of abandoned us. The gay guy somehow ended up asking if I was gay. I can’t remember if he overheard one of me and Vee’s conversations when we dropped back or how he got suspicious. I just shushed him when he asked, and he’s like “Oh, you’re closeteded?” He was pretty drunk, way more than me. I was just slightly tipsy. He got a little flirty after that too, but not over the top. There’s a possibility he and I might have done something, but his friend really overdid it and was kind of scarily clingy to him. Which is a good thing, since I don’t need a drunk hookup with one of Vee’s friends. I did send him a friend request on facebook though, and I’ll probably ask him if he wants to hang out some night just to talk. I’m not going to be attracted to him really while sober I think, but he’s the first gay guy I’ve met who also knew I was gay. I want to talk to him, just to compare experiences and stuff like that. I could use a gay friend. We also ran into Lils while we were out walking around. Apparently Vee pulled her friend off to the side and explained Lils was my sister and I wasn’t out to her while I was walking up to her, so I wasn’t accidently outed by my drunk friends.  

                I also shared a thought I’d had a couple times before with Vee while we were drunk. Being gay is like being a really ugly/fat chick. You look at all these guys, you’re attracted to them, but you know most of them would never even consider dating/getting to know you, and they would be disgusted if you actually approached them. Ugly chicks are stuck to guys that can see past the outer appearances to inner beauty. Gay guys are stuck to guys that are attracted to other guys. I don’t know if that gives anyone insight into the struggles/thoughts of the other group, but it’s just a parallel I’ve thought of. The other thing I wanted to mention was again what I said about there being this extra interest in gay guys just because I know they might be interested too. I really do understand the urge to hookup, I really do. It’s just this desire to try everyone, to not leave any possibility unexplored. It’s instinct I think, but I fight it. It’s most noticeable when I go on gay dating sites. I know I’m a pretty introspective person, and I tend to analyze reasons behind my thoughts a lot, which helps me avoid doing stuff just because I want to. However, I can’t believe everyone is that oblivious to thinking about their motivations for at least some of their actions. I simply can’t be that much more thoughtful than everyone else. I’m really not that thoughtful of a guy. I guess most gay guys just don’t care. Not all do though, and I guess I shouldn’t necessarily use the word “most,” since the promiscuous ones are simply the most visible. But I still believe in self-control. Being out to Vee and being able to talk about it does bring a lot of this to my attention more too.

                So yeah that was my week. I have to meet with my counselor on Monday, Dr. H on Tuesday (hooray, she’s back from vacation!), and my residence hall coordinator at some point. I’m not in trouble, but news of one of my scarier spells of depression got back to him, and he’s familiar with my case from last spring, so he just wants to meet to make sure I’m doing alright. I’m pretty sure he’s gay and I might bring up that I’ve been going through the process of coming out lately. He might have some insight to offer, and no matter what I’m sure he’ll be supportive. I still haven’t told Dr. H I’m gay, so I’ll have to do that when I see her next. She might be irritated I left such a huge source of possible stress out of our earlier discussions. Oh, well, her tendency to get in my face and challenge me is half the reason I like her. I like a person that stands up to me just the right amount and can get a little testy with me. It makes me respect them. As I mentioned at the beginning, everything’s moved so fast this week. I came out to my counselor, I came out to Vee, Vee and I have gotten closer because of it (at least temporarily), and I had fun and met new people last night. It makes me wonder if things are still going to move so fast this next week as well. Thanksgiving break is almost here! I’m actually looking forward to this next week. It feels really good to be able to say that :)

11-4-12

So I think this is going to be a short post. I had a ton of tests this earlier in the week. Dr. H and I were kinda worried since stress is a huge trigger for me, but it went OK. I probably didn’t do super awesome on all of them since I had my weird can’t-force-myself-to-study-until-an-hour-before-the-test thing, but I guarantee I passed all of them. Dr. H called me last Sunday on her day off to make sure I had plans and stuff in place for how to make sure I was OK for the week. I really respect that lady. She definitely does care about her patients. My last test was on Wednesday night, Halloween. I drank after. I was texting that Jorge guy, and long story short, we aren’t talking anymore. I was kinda down after that, blaming myself  for the whole thing for a day or two, but now when I think about it, I can see where it was also partially his fault. I will say what happened wasn’t sexual or a huge argument. Oh, well. I apologized and I learned something about myself, and if he doesn’t want to talk, so be it. We wouldn’t have been that good of friends anyway. Our personalities and outlooks just don’t mix. Thursday I was too hung over to do anything so I missed all my classes. Oops. Friday I finally gave in and met up with this other guy online. Let’s call him Josh. He was actually really fun to talk to and insanely hot. We ended up doing some stuff. Kissing guys is way better than kissing girls. We’ve been texting a little, and I’m hoping it’ll turn into a friends with benefits thing. Josh was really fun to talk to. He’s a very outgoing person. I wouldn’t mind just hanging out with him without any other stuff going on ;) We’ll see. So, yeah, I wasted my Saturday, watched Paranorman (I liked it), and wasted most of my Sunday. I’m meeting my older sister for supper, and then I’m going to have to write a short paper after. Not terrible. I hope everyone else had a good week.

10-24-12

So first off, I would like to say thank you to my new readers. However, I would also like to point out that I can tell from the number of page views that you haven’t read the rest of my blog, so I’m just going to warn you I don’t talk a super amount about the whole gay thing, so this might be a bit of a boring read. Posts #14 and #16 (the one I’m sure most of you read) are the only ones that are entirely about being gay. Otherwise, I write more about what’s going on in my life with classes, friends, starting meds, etc. But again, thanks for your interest and I hope you enjoy! There’s also some gay stuff towards the end of this post too if that’s what you want to read.

So, it’s really been a while since I’ve posted. More than three weeks. A lot’s been going on since it’s a busy time in the semester, but stuff also hasn’t been that great. Sorry for how long this is btw. I mentioned in my last “journal” post that I didn’t think my prescription for antidepressants would be changed since they seemed to be working well. Dr. H did end up upping my dose just a little, but I decided to wait to start that until after my test later that week just in case I got side-effects. When I took that test on Wednesday, I felt horrible about it. I got super depressed afterwards and went to hang out with Vee. It was bad. The next day I started my new prescription. I did end up getting a few side-effects, but not nearly as bad as when I first started fluoxetine. That week was also my older sister’s birthday. I had to come up with an excuse to not drink with her since I was still avoiding alcohol with my prescription (I still haven’t told anyone in my family about my drugs). It was fun though. We went to a bar, she drank, and I just ate. My parents also came down over the weekend, since it’s about half-way through the semester and close to my sister’s birthday. I always get kinda irritable with them when they visit at college. I love going home to visit them, but when they come here, it always seems they’re intruding. Plus my new prescription was making me super tired. So they took up a ton of my weekend, which was really bad because it was a weekend I really needed to get shit done. Basically I got nothing done, had a slight breakdown, could barely force myself to study the whole next week. I did really bad on my test Tuesday, didn’t get a presentation done for Wednesday that I was supposed to, and didn’t turn my lab report due Friday in until the next Monday. I will also say that after Monday/Tuesday I now will have even more scars to add to my collection. Fuck.

                So with the presentation I was supposed to have done Wednesday, I talked to the professor, ended up explaining my problems (stress + anxiety = depression = unable to work + vaguely suicidal) and he was pretty good. He postponed my meeting with him until Friday. I still didn’t have much done by Friday, and I didn’t even start working on my presentation until early in the morning the next Tuesday, the day I was supposed to present it. It went OK considering, but it was definitely a little rough. I was actually supposed to meet with the professor this last Monday to discuss how it went, but he was late, so apparently we just missed each other. Instead, I’m supposed to meet him this next Friday. We’ll see what he says. I suspect he’s not super pleased with me. So the Friday I met with that professor (I love that professor by the way. He’s a great teacher and was super helpful during our meeting) to go over my presentation before I gave it, Barry actually came into town for the night. We went out to eat, went out for hookah, went to a bar (I had one beer over the course of an hour and a half. Damn meds) and then caught lunch before he left the next day. I hadn’t seen him since last spring, so it was fun talking to him again. So the next week, after turning my lab report in on Monday and having a quiz followed immediately by my presentation on Tuesday, I really just chilled the rest of the week. Until Friday. I had an appointment with Dr. H on Friday and she was most displeased by my new “scars” and bad record with stuff interfering with school. She told me to stay on my antidepressants since they might be helping a little bit, and also gave me a prescription for an antipsychotic. I know that sounds scary, but I’m just supposed to take one when I get in my weird agitated moods to help me calm down and not do anything stupid. She also told me to set up an appointment for counseling. She recommended an outside place, but I’m going to try the University first. My mom’s taking a while to tell me whether or not our insurance covers the place Dr. H recommended, so I just decided to try the free one first. That appointment’s next week. I also have to meet with Dr. H again this week. We had been doing a couple weeks between appointments, but she’s really not happy with me. She even stole my key to the lab I work in so I don’t have access to any chemicals. So tomorrow I’m probably going to have to explain that to my research advisor. Oh, well. I probably should have told my research advisor a while ago.

                So the same Friday that I had an appointment with Dr. H is when I really noticed Vee getting into bitch mode with me. Part of the reason she and I have been close so long is because we can tell when the other’s had enough of us. Then we just kinda avoid each other for a bit and act like nothing happened when we finally do start hanging out more again. Well, this time Vee has been anything but subtle in trying to avoid me. She’s been really snippy with me and downright rude sometimes. Like I said, I really noticed it last Friday for the first time and it came out of nowhere, with no warning. Last night I texted her asking if we could hang out or if I should just take one of my antipsychotics instead, she replied that I should start being more independent and to take a pill. Translation: stop being such a whiny, clingy bitch. Fuck you, Vee. She knows exactly what I’m going through and she decided to dump that on me. She’s dangerously close to pissing me off permanently. I can literally stay mad at someone for years (depending on how badly they piss me off. A year’s most normal, though there’s one kid we’re on three and counting. He almost got me suspended, though). So that night, since Vee obviously didn’t want me to drink with her, I bought a six pack and drank alone. It was actually really fun. I talked to my neighbors (also drunk) for the first time, this chick at the front desk who knows Swahili and wants to move to Africa (she’s very white), and this one kid (also very drunk) who I met outside after I fell down, among others. I actually ended up mentioning I was gay to the kid I met after falling down. He said good for me and that his best friend from high school was actually gay. Not bad for my first experience coming out to someone in real life. I knew Anneh was studying somewhere that night, but she wasn’t texting me back where, so I decided to go looking for her (I love people/company when I’m drunk). She was actually the first place I looked, a coffee shop. I sat there with her and her friend on my computer and chatting for a couple hours until the place closed. I’m a little loud when I’m drunk, but I don’t think I was super irritating. Plus, I’m funny when I’m drunk so it all works out. I then went back to my room, texted a friend from high school, and watched Adventures in Babysitting while I sobered up. I woke up the next morning with essentially no hangover, and proceeded to do nothing the rest of the weekend. I did hang out with my older sister on Saturday and Lils on Sunday.

                So this week’s been a kind of limbo. I haven’t really had anything going on, but I’ve been super depressed the last couple days starting Monday (today’s Wednesday). It’s been random since stress is my major trigger for this stuff. The antidepressants haven’t seemed to be helping much, and I’ve been pretty bad. I’m not truly suicidal, I just think about death and ways to kill myself a lot, but I have no intention of going through with them. It’s just been stressful, and my notes during class have definitely suffered. I haven’t really talked to someone since Monday, since Vee’s being a bitch, but I think I’m meeting Anneh tonight after my evening class. I really need some company. I really have the last couple days. That’s why I texted Vee when she told me to take a pill and to start being more independent. So yeah, I’m definitely looking forward to getting to talk to someone. My depression’s been weird today. It was really bad this morning, with an almost constant state of despair going on. Then I started just getting random moments when I was almost fine. Then those started taking over and I was just getting random flashes of despair. That’s still going on. It’s kinda exhausting. I’m definitely going to ask Dr. H about it on Friday. I swear to you I didn’t use to be this crazy. This has been going on for less than a year. I really don’t know what triggered it all of a sudden. My older sister had something kinda similar her junior year in college, too, though I think her thing was a little less severe than mine and she let it affect her school work more. I really hope I can get this figured out. I’m sick of wanting to just give up on absolutely everything. I’m sick of feeling alone. I just want someone to be there. Not trying to make me feel better, but just letting me know they’re there for me no matter what. My family would do that for me, but I have this weird aversion to telling them stuff. I really hope my depression clears up tomorrow, since I have three tests next week and I should start studying tomorrow. I’m really worried since stress is usually a very bad thing for me and the tests are all one day after the other starting on Monday. We’ll see.

                So finally the stuff that might be more interesting to my gay readers: I got an adam4adam account almost two weeks ago on a Thursday (the 11^th). I have no intention of doing just random hookups on there, but it’s been easier to find other guys my age who aren’t looking for hookups either than I thought it would be. I’ve talked to several guys and thought we’ve been getting along alright, but they stop messaging me randomly for some reason. I’ve found other guys who are masculine and in the closet, and it’s been fun. I’ve also talked to some older people. Most of them have been creepy, but this one Australian guy was really nice. I wouldn’t mind talking to him again. He seems to more be on there to talk and lightly flirt than anything. He was pretty cool. And he was only in his mid-30’s so not super old. But there has been one guy who I’ve been talking to. Let’s call him Jorge. Obviously he’s Latino. He was really fun messaging, and we exchanged numbers, so we’ve been texting. We actually started texting while I was drunk last Friday. He was getting drunk with his sister and cousin (he goes home for the weekends). Our conversation remained pretty casual throughout, so it doesn’t seem either of us are desperate or horny drunks. He’s not out either. We decided to meet for supper on Monday. We both still live in the dorms (he’s 21 and a senior), so we just went to one of the eating halls. His pictures were a lot hotter (he’s very photogenic) but he’s still just fine in person. I kinda like that he’s more average anyway. He’s completely normal too, and not a huge partier or anything. Our conversation never turned to anything gay since we were in public. He said when we were messaging each other that he just wanted a friend he could be himself around. As you maybe can tell, I’m pretty obviously at least a little interested in him. Unfortunately, I have no way of knowing yet if he’s interested in return or if he’s really just looking for friends. We’ve only exchanged a very few texts since Monday. I’m always the one initiating our texting conversations, so I don’t know whether to interpret that as he’s as shy as/shier than me, or I’m being a pest. I really hope not I’m not bothering him. Even if he’s not interested in any sort of relationship, it’d be fun just to have a gay friend I can relate to. Unfortunately, we have no classes together, no mutual friends, and it’s a busy time of the semester, and he works back home on the weekends. It might be a little hard finding time to hang out together to get to know each other. We’ll see what happens. I’m sure I’ll write about whatever happens, or you can email me and ask more if you’re really dying to know. I’m kinda doubting anything comes out of it, but I can hope, right? I need some hope in my life right now.

                Comments on anything are appreciated. Especially advice for depression and school work. I know that has to be kind of a downer to read about, but I’m sorry. It’s my life. I actually kind of enjoy it in a weird way. At least looking back on it. Anyway, my evening class is soon and them I’m meeting Anneh, so I better get this posted and go. Hope everyone has a good rest of the week. Happy hump day!

#16

A reality: I see a bleak future ahead of me.

                This is for two reason: 1) I don’t think I could do casual sex. I think I’d have a tendency to romanticize anything I did and become attached. 2) I don’t find gay couples cute. I don’t want to become one of those old ones who’ve been together forever. Those two factors (combined with the fact I have trouble seeing myself coming out, especially to my family) leave me picturing a rather lonely future for myself. I come home from work, sit at home, and surf the internet creepily. Occasionally, my physical needs will result in a one night hookup despite my better judgment. I then spend the next week or two in a stupid fantasy: what I could have said to my hookup so we could live happily ever after, how I could run into him again, how he would declare his love for me. Of course none of these things will happen, and I’ll forget about such foolish, unrealistic notions until my need to be intimate with someone once again overrules my mind’s protestations. I sincerely hope that is not how my life ends up, although the thought of it makes me feel more resigned than depressed.

                So why don’t I think I could do casual sex without becoming attached? One has to do with me and my interactions on the internet. I stumble on some gay blog where I identify with the author, and before you know it, I’m picturing starting a relationship where I can make all their insecurities and frustrations go away. A relationship perfect enough that all remaining reservations about my sexual orientation are swept aside and all that matters is we have together. A relationship that is a fortress to keep the rest world and the problems it brings out, with only room for the two of us inside its walls. This fades relatively quickly, some faster than the others. However, it bothers me to be so detached from reality for even the shortest times. I try to be logical, I try and quash such ideas, but they still come. Despite my choice of a science major, I am still prone to an overactive imagination (though maybe a lot of science nerds are, hence Sci-fi/Fantasy books). I also have had a brief experience with a guy I mentioned once. We didn’t do much, but I spent the next seven years still picturing him and me having one last encounter that turns into a night of passion following him confessing that he too has been in the closet, hiding his feeling for me all these years. But that won’t happen. We haven’t hung out in years (and not for lack of me inviting him). I’m pretty sure he’s straight, and even if he wasn’t I’m pretty sure one of his other friends would jump on him before I could. Just the brief interactions I had with him have stayed with me for years. “So what?” one might say. “Those romantic idealizations don’t have to apply to random people you just pick up. In the gay community sex can be as casual and anonymous as you want.” And why not? Why shouldn’t I sleep with anonymous people I can’t connect with? Surely then I wouldn’t be able to form some misplaced sense of attachment. And I probably could do that, except for one thing: I don’t want to be that person. While I’m not really religious, I still believe sex should mean something, that it’s an act that shares a special part of your very self with another person. I don’t want to become desensitized; I don’t want to be unconcerned with the consequences of sex. I want it to mean something, to have a sense of love and attachment in my life. If all I needed was release, I can stick to solo action. Maybe I’ll change my mind once I actually have it, but I can’t imagine sex is worth giving up that belief. I believe in self-control, that wanting to do something in no way justifies doing it. Just because I want to pick up some random guy does not mean it will help my willpower or sense of satisfaction in my life. I want to control my body, not the other way around. Maybe I should be a Buddhist. As tempting as it is to just say “fuck it,” I don’t want to fill my life with easy sex. I don’t want to be that person.

                So why not find a relationship, someone I can build a life with? That goes back to me finding gay couples creepy. I think the main reason for this is that I have yet to meet one (or see one on TV) that honestly convinces me its love and not lust. I think a lot of gay relationships are more about sex first. The guys meet and hook up or are friends, then friends with benefits, and then decide to make it a thing. And some certainly do get all cutesy and lovey-dovey, but it seems so childish. It’s so constant and over the top. It’s almost like they’re trying to convince someone (either themselves or others) that they are in love and not just lust. A lot of them seem like high school level relationships, and never mature into anything else. It just stays as something shallow where the two can’t see how impermanent and superficial their relationship is (again, high school). Maybe a reason I have this view is the large number of open gay relationships you read about on blogs. There was one where a (Canadian) couple was engages, but one was finishing college far away so they had an open relationship so neither would have to go without sex. God forbid. Vee always says right after you break up, it’s hard to go without regular sex, but you stick it out and you get used to it. It’s not a reason to go whoring around just because you miss it. Or other stories you read about a couple having a threesome with another guy. I’ve heard of couples who’ve been together for years engage in this. Granted, some straight couples try and spice things up too (wife-swapping, etc.) but it just seems more prevalent in the gay community. Maybe this is because I’m not really in the gay community that I have all these conceptions about what it’s like. Maybe if I went out and met more gay people I’d feel better about it. But I doubt it. So many gay men seem to never properly settle down, staying mostly single their whole lives. The old couples also strike me as shallow, though this may be because most of the depictions I’ve seen of them are on TV. I’ve never actually seen/met an older couple in real life. On TV, they’re either a stereotype or some forced, transparent propaganda for “equality of love.” Of course, maybe the other reason I find old couples creepy is because homosexuality is so connected with sex. There is absolutely no way to forget that these two unattractive wrinkly old dudes (sorry to anyone that is offended. Take comfort in the fact I too shall age and be in that position.) are fucking each other in private. Somehow, it is so easy to forget that straight married couples also still having sex into old age. I don’t know why that is, just something about two same-sex people in a relationship makes it impossible to forget about the sex. So yeah, basically I’m not in any hurry to rush into a relationship (and not just because I don’t know any gay guys). I don’t want my relationship to be based on sex. I don’t want to have to screw a guy just to get to know him. I want to fall for a guy’s personality. If I like a guy, I honestly won’t care what they look like. I used to have a little bit of a crush on Barry just because he’s a nice guy, and he’s 300 pounds. I would much rather have a single good relationship than hundreds of hookups. However, I don’t see that happening. And that is why I say fuck reality. I honestly can’t picture a happy gay future for myself. I miss the times when I could lie to myself and say I’d like girls when I got older. I’m past that. And now I have to live with what my gayness means for my future. And I’m not looking forward to it at all.

9-29-12

So I think my antidepressants are working. I’ll still get kinda sad/lonely/mopey moods, but I don’t get suicidal with them. Stuff that normally would make me depressed doesn’t bother me as much (the drugs got quite the workout with this this week). It’s a little strange, though, since just letting that stuff go isn’t my normal reaction at all. It’s just not me. I can’t get too upset over it, though, since the pills are working. My thoughts aren’t really fuzzy anymore, and I feel pretty much back to normal. I might be getting a couple of the sexual side effects, but whatever. I have an appointment with Dr. H on Monday. I think she’ll be happy with how the pills are working and won’t adjust my prescription. Last Tuesday I had a day that nothing could bring me down at all and I felt great, but I think that was one of the side effects Dr. H mentioned. But otherwise, I had a pretty normal week. I had a biochem test, which went OK, I had a lab report due Friday that I didn’t start until late Thursday night. I went through Friday (yesterday) extremely short on sleep. Two of my tutees didn’t show up on Friday, and I had another one miss on Thursday. This week was homecoming, but I didn’t do anything special all week. I slept through the parade catching up on some sleep. Yesterday was also Anneh’s 21^st birthday. I texted Vee after I woke up from my nap. Everyone was at a bar. I was planning on joining even though I’m still not drinking while I adjust to my medications. I asked Vee if they served food at the bar since I missed supper, and she was like “Idk.” So I said fuck it and didn’t go. I meant to study today, but I didn’t get anything done. I have a test on Wednesday I should read for. Oh, well, as long as I get it done tomorrow. I’m still a little tired today, too. I can be lazy. Anneh also was having a party tonight. I walked all the way to her house, could see people in the front lawn, and I turned around and walked away. I guess the pills aren’t working that well. It’s just that Vee wasn’t there, it wasn’t a party where you could easily fade into the woodwork (outside, sunny, lawn games as opposed to a crowded dimly lit house), and I didn’t feel like new people. So I haven’t talked to anyone all day, and I’ve just sat in my room except for food and to walk (almost) to Anneh’s. Edit: I ended up going with Vee after she got off work. I pretended to be drunk and had fun for a bit but then people left for another party, and I have this thing where even though I know other people just assume I’ll join, I feel left out if I’m not directly asked so I didn’t go with them and wandered back to my room on my own. Normally I’d beat myself up for that, but the pills apparently don’t let me get depressed over doing stuff like that. Now if only they could help me stop doing it in the first place. Oh, well. They’re not miracle workers.

                Other news: I saw an amusing shirt. It looked like one of those “I <3 NY” ones except it said “I only like NY as a friend.” I appreciated that since I didn’t think New York was that great. I am definitely more rural at heart. Also, my neighbors (the hot ones) are pissing me off. They keep being loud at night when I’m trying to sleep. I really should go ask them to quiet down sometime, but I’m just so non-confrontational. Last night they were screwing around with their friends and one of them was wearing only a pair of small, black briefs. He has the body to pull them off, but it’s kinda weird for one guy to be mostly naked with a group of fully clothed guys. He enjoys showing his body off way too much, especially to other guys. So yeah, that was my week. I’m sure you are all enthralled. If you thought that was boring, you provide the entertainment. Comment and leave a wacky comment about something you did this week. Not that anyone will, since no one reads my blog. Until next week.

9-22-12

So once again, not a horribly exciting week. I’ve been lazy the whole week since I didn’t really have any tests or anything. I do have a test on next Tuesday I need to study for, but I’m not super worried about it. I blame my laziness on the drugs. The really bad feeling of being “off” and having my head be all fuzzy only lasted until Tuesday. Since then, I’ve still been getting some headaches, I’ve been super tired, and my concentration is just a little weird. It’s gotten better as the week’s gone on, but my memory’s just not quite what it usually is. Hopefully that will go away before my test. I’d almost describe it like I can’t hold onto my thoughts. They’re just like softer and less substantial than they usually are, and if I try to focus on a particular one it just kinda drifts away. That’s gotten better as the week’s gone on too. I read somewhere that most of those kind of side effects are only for a week or two, and then you start getting the antidepressant effects you want. I might be getting those a little already, though. I just can’t get in a mopey mood. A couple times this week it’s been like my brain wants to get into a little bout of depression, but it just won’t come. It’s like trying to walk through a screen door not realizing it’s still closed. It’s not a bad thing I can’t get into a proper depressed mood, but it just feels super weird. The sexual side effects are supposed to kick in later on if you happen to get them, so I haven’t noticed any of them yet. Oh, well. If I do get them, it won’t necessarily be a bad thing. I’m single, with no prospects of that changing, and a lower sex drive wouldn’t be a bad thing necessarily.

                Friday was also my first day of tutoring. I was supposed to meet with two groups of two kids for bio II and chem II. The Bio girls went fine, though one had to leave early. I stayed late with the other one, though, so it worked out. The chem kids, the guy was on time, but the girl was caught at work, so the guy signed the sheet that I’d tutored him, and we left (they’d just had a test, so they didn’t really have any material to go over). I get paid if the kids don’t show up, too, so I’m not really mad the girl couldn’t come.

                So today I was catching up on reading for my test on Tuesday. I camped out in the library. Vee stayed until she had to go to work, and Zee stopped by and caught up on his reading all afternoon too. I didn’t finish, quite, so I’m going to have to do that tomorrow, even though the book isn’t really helpful compared to lecture. All the info in it that wasn’t in the lecture was either stuff the professor didn’t agree with or so specific the professor doesn’t care. Oh, well, I’ll finish reading anyway. I think I’m meeting Zee to study some more tomorrow, after I do some volunteer thing with Vee. This class might be a good chance to get to know Zee more. We’ve never talked a lot in the past. It’s interesting to get to know him a little.

                And finally, to end with a mini-rant: I am fucking sick of chemistry majors looking down on biology so much. They literally view it as a lesser science. They think it’s all about memorizing and regurgitating useless facts. I know it’s because they’ve only had the lowest level courses. Low level chemistry is all problems, but low level bio is all just setting up the basis for upper courses with stuff you have to know. Though Bio II did already have some more of the taking the examples we learned in class and applying it to another system. A lot of upper level biology classes have questions about interpreting experimental data and saying what the results say about the system. Biology relies on experiments that are as well set up as possible, just like chemistry, just like any science. It’s not a lesser science just because you didn’t like your high school biology class. Anyway. I hope all you non-existent readers have a wonderful week. Until next time.

9-17-12

So, to start off with the biggest news of the week, I’ve officially started antidepressants. I’ve said before school/stress is a major trigger for my depression (which is why Dr. H calls it anxiety rather than depression) and this last week was a little stressful. I had a test, a quiz, and a lab report due. My depressive bouts made it impossible to stay on top of things, though. For my test, I didn’t start studying until 4 hours before the exam, and I didn’t start the lab report until less than 12 hours until it was due. I don’t know how well those turned out. Oh, well, I can still make up for it with the rest of the semester. I realized my depression was getting to affect my schoolwork again, so I made an appointment with Dr. H. Surprisingly I could get in the next day. So I went in there, she gave me the prescription, and I picked it up on the way out. That was on Friday. She did tell me to wait to start it until Sunday since me and Vee went out Friday night. We kinda made up for not going to the bars on her birthday. We went to a really quiet bar that people just kinda kept to their own groups with. It was fun, just me and her. We walked around after that to sober up a bit. We ran into some drunk freshmen that we talked to for a bit and then sat under this bridge and talked for a while. So Saturday I was sleeping off a hangover (had to go out to supper with my older sister since the cafeteria was closed by the time I woke up from my nap), and Sunday I didn’t do much because the drugs are making me feel just a little off. I still feel a little weird this morning too. Oh, well. At least I don’t have any tests this week. I just get to stay caught up on stuff and adjust to the drugs and see if I notice them helping. Though I have to stay away from drinking for a while, too. I wouldn’t care, except not being able to do it makes me want to do it.

So other things this week: I want to torture mice to death for a living. One of my classes had us reading papers about cancer research and most of them involve genetically altered mice and giving them cancer to study the processes of various things. I find it fascinating. It’s something I can maybe see myself doing. Sadly, I can’t try it as an undergrad since no one really does that at my college. Oh, well. That’s what grad school is for. I was walking behind a drunk kid one night and he claimed to have gotten jumped. I really want to know where the hell he was coming from, since he was walking the same direction I was. I suspect he got into a crappy part of the residential neighborhoods, but I don’t know what the hell he’d be doing there. My college really isn’t in a rough town, so he must have made a huge target of himself and been somewhere he shouldn’t have been. I also have to say, my floor is a little weird this year. In past years, most guys go to the shower in just a towel. Not all, but most. This year, there’s a bunch of kids who go there either in shorts or something (not unreasonable), but some go almost fully dressed. It’s so weird. Maybe my floor’s just prude this year. Except my neighbors. They’re both really hot (a lot of the floor is, actually), but one loves to just be in his boxers with the door open. One time I saw him mostly undressed with a bunch of other (fully clothed) people in the room. Another time, he was walking down the hallway naked except for a towel held only over his crotch. He had a nice ass, but still. He’s a bit of an exhibitionist I think. Most of the time they’re pretty quiet, too. There’s these two guys that like to play Frisbee in the hall and it hits my door, but that’s pretty rare. Also, on football game mornings, a lot of them get up early to go tailgate, so they get a little rowdy when I want to sleep in. Oh, freshmen. So obsessed with drinking. Another nice thing is that the bathroom isn’t disgusting. My freshman year, it was always really bad. I’ve never had problems other years, though. I think I heard someone say someone puked in the sink one weekend, but I’m not going to judge for that since the one time I’ve thrown up when I was drunk, the first time that night was all over a urinal. One kid apparently brings his own toilet paper to the bathroom with him. It’s like really? Suck it up. The stuff in the bathroom isn’t great, but it gets the job done. Also this week, there was a kinda breezy, drizzly day that is never got out of the 50’s. A light jacket was all that was needed. One of my neighbors (on the opposite side of the previously mentioned ones) goes into his room and is like “What the fuck, it’s Sept. 13^th and I can see my fucking breath.” First of all, not you couldn’t, and second, it’s going to get WWWWAAAAYYYYY colder. People will wear shorts and short sleeves in this weather in the spring. He kept going on about the ridiculous weather and said something about transferring. I really hope he’s not actually going to transfer over one cool day. I wonder where he’s from. Obviously somewhere more south, or by an ocean. So overall, the guys seem alright on my floor. One keeps calling me John Lennon when he sees me. He claims I look like him, but I really don’t at all. I’ve talked to maybe two kids, though, very briefly. I don’t even know who my RA is. I’ve never seen his door open. Whatever. That’s my floor this year. Probably about the last I’ll say about them too. I just have my own stuff to do. Anyway, hopefully I’ll be able to report back next week without too bad of side effects from the drugs. Here’s hoping. Later.

#15

A reality: I’m socially awkward.

                So if you read my blog consistently, I’m sure you’ve noticed my rants that begin with “a reality:” tend to be kinda long, but I’m hoping this one will actually be pretty fast. We’ll see. So let’s just dive right to the heart of the matter.

                I’ve decided there are two types of socially awkward people: 1) the people that irritate everyone and can’t seem to pick up cues that people aren’t interested in what they’re saying, and 2) the people who think they irritate people or are making a fool out of themselves. I shall call them the actually awkward and the anxious awkward respectively. The actually awkward are people who just have some problem relating to people. They don’t understand that they’re stories are boring/irritating or picking up when people want to be left alone. Other people often react to these types of people in one of two ways. Sometimes, people feel sorry for the person. This is especially true when it’s obvious they have some sort of problem that actually affects their ability to interact with people. There was a kid who lived in my dorm for two years that was like this. He had some learning problems and was just incredibly awkward. I felt sorry for the kid and was willing to put up with him for brief conversations (one of those things where I figure it’s better to inconvenience myself for a bit and brighten someone else’s day, especially when the alternative is doing absolutely nothing useful with the time I spent on that person). Barry had the second reaction to this kid: he found him incredibly irritating and avoided him at all costs and could be kinda rude to him. (This always surprised me about Barry, since most of the time he was a really sweet, understanding guy.) I often have this reaction to the actually awkward, but usually to the ones who have no other obvious…defects, for lack of a better word. Examples of these include the kid Cla this summer (god we all hated him) and one of my cousins. These people often seem younger than they’re age and prattle on, and just can’t relate to people quite right. I’m a little curious if it’s a form of autism or just they’re personality. Either way, they seriously piss me off. I just stop listening to them and interrupting them. And a lot of the time, they still don’t pick up that you don’t care. They’re the ones you have to be actually nasty to to get them to leave you alone. I always feel bad after I do snap at one of them, but I just can’t take the alternative. Stupid conscience.

                The anxious awkward people are the ones who worry about what others think of them all the time. They’re the ones who sit and want to talk to someone, and will sit and try and think of something to say, and even if they do eventually think of something, won’t be able to talk to the person anyway. They’re the ones who feel like they’re imposing if they talk to a person they know while that person is with some friends. The anxious awkward don’t understand that most people are far more forgiving than they realize, and even if you make an awkward start to a conversation, the rest of the conversation with a stranger can be just fine, and the next time will be that much better. They think they are as bad as one of the actually awkward, and it makes them clam up. There are generally two reactions to this type of person. People often feel sorry for/sympathetic towards these people. They know the person is s out of their comfort zone, and they try and make things easier for them. The other reaction is that people will often assume that the awkward person is stuck up, or angry, or standoffish. This makes conversations even harder. I’ve known people who have said after they got to know someone, “I thought you were a bitch, but it turns out you were just shy!” People should maybe not jump to that conclusion so fast. Examples of people like this include St. C from this summer. He would be talking about something and then break off saying, “Sorry, I know you don’t care.” While his stories often were a little bit more long-winded than they needed to be (something I used to struggle with, until I learned to cut them down, and even just edit the facts slightly just to make it go faster so you don’t have to explain stuff), they weren’t that bad, and he was just convinced people didn’t want to listen to him. It was actually St. C and Cla this summer that made me realize this whole two types of awkward people thing, being able to compare them both side-by-side. So as I said in the very beginning, I consider myself socially awkward. I’m definitely one of the anxious awkward, not actually awkward. I’ve told Vee about my whole “two types of awkward” and she agrees I’m anxious awkward too. I’m just always worried about how to talk to people. Even if a person I know is talking to some strangers, I find it extremely hard to contribute to the conversation. If I see someone I just sort of know walking toward me on the sidewalk, often I’ll go out of my way to seem distracted or look down so I don’t have to interact with them. I know my problem. I know people are more forgiving than my anxiety is always telling me they are. I still can’t make myself get over my nervousness. I’m an extremely friendly drunk, and alcohol completely removes my inhibitions about talking to people. But even if I meet someone at a party while drunk, I’m still too awkward to talk to them when I see them sober. Vee is always telling me I just need to get out there and make some new friends (I think she’s a little irritated that basically everyone I know I’ve met through her here at college). It’s just not that easy, though. And that is why I say fuck reality. This is another one of those times that knowing my problems doesn’t make the solutions any easier. It’s still something that’s extremely difficult to work on, and I will struggle with it for years to come, if not the rest of my life. I also know many, many other people are in the same boat as me. So smile, you’re not alone.

Damn it, still over 1100 words.

9-9-12

So once again it hasn’t been a super exciting week. It’s the third week of classes and all the good places to study are back to being packed. I really enjoyed them being empty the first week or two. Oh, well, I’ll just have to suck it up. This next week is going to be not a whole lot of fun. I have a test, a quiz, and a paper. So I’ll have to be sure to stay on top of my studying. So what went on this past week? There weren’t classes Monday because of Labor Day. All the good study places were closed too, sadly. Yesterday was a football game against another state college in my state, so all week was getting pumped up for the game. There was a bunch of free stuff. Yesterday, I walked downtown and the bars were absolutely packed during the game (I was going to the public library, not the bars.) We ended up losing really bad. Oh, well. I’m not a huge football fan, so I wasn’t heartbroken. The drinking was worse than usual this weekend, and I think I heard one of the guys in the hall say someone puked in the sink in the bathroom, so I avoided that until I knew it’d been cleaned. Friday was Vee’s birthday, and she, Anneh, another guy, and I were going to go to the bars Friday night because you can’t be in the bars after 10 if you’re under 21, so it was going to be a novelty for her. Well, she decided to stop by a party first, and then her friends left with all her stuff (keys, ID, but not her phone thankfully) in one of their purses, so she ended up having to track them down over several hours. She decided she didn’t want to go to the bars after that. I feel bad for that happening to her on her birthday, but she’s also being a huge bitch about it. She didn’t even bother to text me that she didn’t want to go the bars that night, so I was sitting in my room waiting for her to text me to meet her. She didn’t even think I might not be able to even just go for a walk for exercise since I didn’t know when she was going to text. She can be kinda oblivious. She just doesn’t even think “Oh, someone else might also be inconvenienced.” Whatever. So then last night she was having a movie night with one of her friends who didn’t ditch her. She told me to come over without saying it was a girls’ night, but it wasn’t too awkward. I just got a little buzzed. I was letting my tongue go a little more than I should have, but they just thought I was drunker than I actually was, so that worked out. I still wish she hadn’t told me to come over though. I felt like I was kinda a third wheel for their “bonding time.”

                So what else happened this week? I had a couple rather nasty brushes with depression. I actually ended up going to Vee’s one night since I wasn’t comfortable being alone. I got a tutoring assignment Friday. I’m going to be tutoring Chem II, but neither of the kids have emailed me back yet. I get that it’s the weekend, but seriously? You need to check your damn email. I tried manroulette. Not a fan. It’s full of creepy people and the few who look normal/my age weren’t interested in chatting, which is what I was hoping for more. Oh, well. It was an experience. Big shock, absolutely nothing happened this week otherwise with guys. There were a couple I remember caught my eye, though. One was an Asian guy in the cafeteria was super friendly talking to this chick he’d just met. I was eavesdropping on their conversation. I really wish Lils didn’t only go for the loser type, because he would have been good for her, lol. Another guy is anti-hffa. If you don’t know, hffa means Hot From Far Away, and refers to a person who is good-looking when they’re a ways away from you but they become pretty average up close. This kid is the opposite. He looks pretty average further away, but gets way hotter up close. Sadly, he sits on the other side of the auditorium. The last guy was when I was walking over a bridge. The wind off the river was really strong and my hair was blowing everywhere. This kid at the other end of the bridge was laughing at me (it really must have looked pretty funny, I admit). He was taking a sidewalk that goes along the river, so when I got to the end up the bridge he was walking under it. He looked up at me, we made eye contact, and he was still grinning about my hair. He was pretty cute. And he was walking toward the art/theater/music buildings…. I’m sorry, that’s stereotyping a lot. I’ll probably never see him again, though, not on this campus. It was just a funny situation though. My hair’s long enough that it can go everywhere, but not long enough that its own weight will help hold it down much. That’s enough about guys, though. I feel like a creeper now. So that’s all for this time. I hope all my (nonexistent) readers have a wonderful week.

9-1-12

Wow, so I’ve already been back to school for two weeks, and August is officially over. Labor Day is Monday, so it’s a three day weekend. I’m not as happy about that as most people, since that just means I procrastinate a lot. Campus is pretty dead with people going home for the long weekend, and a lot went to the football game today, too. This week hasn’t been super eventful. Swimming is still really hard. I’m still super exhausted after classes. That’s a good thing, though. The professor that pissed me off for finding a time for his class to meet gave just as wonderful of lectures as last semester, so I’ve decided to forgive him. Vee was actually gone most of the week to her sister’s wedding. I had a job interview on Thursday, and I get to be a university tutor now. They’ll assign me a couple students from this one program and I’ll tutor them one or two hours a week each. My classes are all going OK, though there’s not much going on in them until it’s time for midterms. My depression is still around, so I had a couple bad days, but I had just as many normal days too, so that was alright.

                Thursday night I was supposed to meet Anneh and study, but I ended up taking a nap and then not getting up afterward. I ended up being in bed from 6 at night until 7 the next morning. And I was asleep most of that time. I’m not sure if it was because of my swimming class earlier that day, or if I was way shorter on sleep than I realized. Either way, I obviously needed the sleep, so I’m not complaining. I’m actually kinda impressed with how long I slept. Friday I went to my research advisor’s tenure presentation thing. She had to turn in all her stuff saying why she should get tenure earlier this week, and then she gave a presentation of all that she’s done while she was here at this university. Most professors get tenure at our school, so I’m hoping she’s fine. The department head doesn’t really like her, though, and she’s worried he might try and get her fired. If she doesn’t hear anything in November to look for a new job, she’ll know she got it. Then she won’t hear officially until next April. So she’s got a bit of a wait. I think she’ll be fine, though. Friday (last) night I studied with Anneh for a couple of hours and then we decided we both wanted to drink but neither of us wanted to get drunk. So we picked up a six-pack of beer and went back to her place. We sat around and each drank two while watching TV. I had the tiniest of buzzes, but she’s way smaller and kinda a lightweight, so she was slightly tipsy. We walked back downtown, got something to eat, and then sat on the steps of one of the university buildings and talked for a while. It turns out Vee had already told Anneh about my scars being self-inflicted. So that was kinda nice, because she didn’t freak out when I decided to tell her (most people don’t take it well), but I was also a little irritated Vee was sharing that with people. Oh, well. She probably didn’t share it with any of our other mutual friends, and I don’t care if she told people I don’t know. Vee and Anneh have a kinda weird relationship. Anyway, after that I went to bed, was really slow getting up in the morning. Anneh and I were going to meet to study some more, but I had a cold that was barely starting last night that decided to become full blown over night. So I felt like crap today and Anneh was watching the game and drinking with people, so we decided studying was a no-go. So I basically sat around all day and just did a couple of small things. Hopefully tomorrow will be more productive. I’m going out for lunch with my sisters, and I need to do laundry. If I get a little reading done on top of that, I’ll be sufficiently productive.

                So yeah, that’s my not-very-exciting week. I hope everyone else is having a good weekend. Later.

8-27-12

So I was writing these weekly entries on Saturdays, but the last two have ended up being on Mondays. I’m never as productive as I want to be on the weekends. It took me one week to fall back to laziness/unmotivation. As my random little post Wednesday (was it Wednesday?) showed, my depression already decided to come back. I’m still holding off on setting up an appointment with Dr. H though. I really want to try and get through this on my own (and with some friends).

                The first week of classes really wasn’t too bad. I didn’t have much homework, just reading to do. I fell behind on that this weekend already, but I still have time to catch up. I’m just going to have to be productive in the evenings this week. I blocked most of my fun sites on the internet, so I’m hoping that will help. Unfortunately, you can’t block sites on Internet Explorer, so I find myself just going to that instead. I’m just hoping I can make myself not do that. We’ll see how that goes. So obviously, the first week I met all my professors. I’m really excited about most all of them. They seem like they’re going to be good. My biochemistry professor in particular seems like he’s going to be a good time. He’s British, and constantly says hilarious things in class. My favorites so far: “I’m surprised so many of you are here in class. I heard (insert my university here) is the number (insert embarrassing small number) party school in the U.S. (recently, from a legit source, too. Apparently the University President isn’t happy). Shouldn’t you all be face-down, drunk in a gutter somewhere?” Also: “On the way home in my car, I heard a song by a woman claiming to be made of titanium. That’s just factually incorrect. (We were talking about the elements found in living things.)” Sadly, the only professor I’m slightly pissed at right now was one I liked last semester. I’m taking a class with him where we had to all agree on a time to meet in the evenings. We could only go one certain night since other people had stuff on other nights. He offered us three times that we could have class that night, and we took a vote. Everyone voted for the middle time, except me and one other person. We voted for the last time, since we both had class during the middle time. He’s like, sorry, I’m not going against the vote. You’ll just have to figure something out. It’s like, wtf? I have to be at both of these classes. Why can’t you push it back just a fucking hour, and fuck the vote? Whatever, I’ll get it figured out. That professor may have finally figured out who I am, though. He never seemed to remember me whenever I had to talk to him last semester. When I gave him my name this semester, though, he was writing it down and was all of a sudden like “Oh, that just clicked. Glad you’re taking this.” So I think he knows I got like the top grade in his class last semester.

                So let’s see, what else? I had to call to make a payment for something on Tuesday. Before I did that, I had to call the bank and raise the limit on my debit card for the day. Then the payment still didn’t go through. So I had to call the bank again, and they thought it was because the payment was too much for being paid over the phone. So I had to call back to the place I was trying to make the payment to, and ask them to split it up into two separate ones. And every time I call that place, they always ask, “Why don’t you do this online?” Because I can’t get on my fucking account and you’re ITS department isn’t responding. Believe me, I’d much rather do stuff like that online. I hate the phone. So what else. I met with my undergraduate research advisor Wednesday and found out which grad student I’m going to be working with this semester. I kinda sounds like another kid might be working with me and my grad student too. That night I had a discussion section that the TA didn’t show for (they just assumed we knew we wouldn’t have it since it was the first week). While we waiting for class to start, this girl comes in and sits between her friend and some random guy. The first thing out of her mouth: “I suppose I should introduce you two. (To the guy) What’s your name?” It was pretty amusing.

                Thursday, I had my first lap swimming class (I’m taking some PE classes to finish my Gen Eds). Holy fuck it was hard. I was so tired afterwards. I almost threw up on the bus home. There was a creepy old guy wandering around the locker room after class got out. There’s some older people who use the gyms and stuff, so that wasn’t too weird. What was weird is that he’s walking around naked without a destination. Like, not to the showers or something. Whatever. Later that night I was walking down the sidewalk and I heard this kid telling his friend “So I saw my dad having sex with my other dad the other day…” That’s all I heard. What an odd line to hear just walking down the sidewalk. Friday, Zee actually sat by me and Vee in our biochem lecture since he got there a little late and his normal spot was gone. He’s a nice kid even if he is a bit awkward. I got my annual cake from my mom for my birthday. I just don’t tell her I end up throwing most of it away since I don’t have nearly enough people to share it with. So I turned 21 on Saturday, so I went to Walmart with Vee and Nett and bought a bunch of alcohol for them since I wanted to buy something but didn’t need anything myself. I was the first of my friends to turn 21 (except Barry who’s gone. Except he was apparently in town on Saturday and didn’t text me. He was like “you should have texted me.” Why would I know you’re in town without you telling me?) so I didn’t have a big party or anything. I went out to eat with me and my sisters, and then me and my older sister went to a bar and got kinda drunk. I walked her home and then I went and hung out at Vee’s for a little bit. She was drinking there with Anneh and a couple other friends. She gave me a present: really bright pink boxer briefs. I’m actually wearing them right now. They’re pretty fun. I didn’t get super drunk on my birthday, but I woke up Sunday with a pretty bad hangover. I didn’t have a headache at all, but I was super nauseated. I actually ended up throwing up before going back to sleep for a while longer. When I woke up again, I was still sick. I was supposed to go to this training session thing with Vee and Nett so I would be eligible for a job I want. I almost didn’t go, but Vee talked me into it and gave me something she had to settle my stomach. The training thing was all afternoon (there was an awkward part when these two people asked about my scars), and Vee and I went out to eat afterwards. After that, I sat and didn’t accomplish anything all evening since I was pretty depressed for some reason, even though the day had been pretty fun. Then today was just normal class. I had my first Inorganic Lab experiment. I’m hoping I didn’t poison myself, since all my glassware had crap on it and I spill stuff everywhere, and I ate right afterwards without washing my hands. Oh, well. One of the perks of being suicidal is you don’t care if you accidentally poison yourself. But yeah, that was my week. I know you were all dying to read that. I’m hoping I’m not so insanely tired after my swimming class tomorrow morning as I was last week since I have to meet my grad student afterwards. I suppose if I am, you’ll read about it here next week (not that I have many repeat readers, I think). Until next time.

*Ugh, my wireless internet in my room has been super bad lately too. I’m not sure if it’s the internet or my computer, but either way, I’m getting pissed.

Sigh

    So I don't know what it is, but when I move to a new place, my emotions get put on hold for a week or so. It's not really a bad thing. In fact, it's really kinda a good thing, since it means I don't get depressed. I think it's just my mind adjusting to my new surroundings. My appetite will also be a little off when I go somewhere new. And it's not homesickness, since the same thing happens when I move back home. The bad thing is, the blues do come back. And they decided to come back hard tonight. I'm feeling better now, but it wasn't fun for a bit there. I really hope I can get on top of this this semester on my own. Being outside and exercising are supposed to help, so I'm definitely going to try to do that more. I never did make an appointment with Dr. H to start meds. I always can if I really need to. The only problem is that I probably wouldn't be able to get in to see her right away if necessary, and then meds take two weeks to start showing effects. And I doubt I could keep to my decision to take meds for long enough even if I did start them. Some days I just really don't want to drug myself. Advice anyone?
    In an attempt to distract myself: I mentioned I might talk about what I want in a guy in an upcoming post. I might switch that to actually trying to dream up my perfect life. I could use a pleasant dream. Of course my pessimist, cynical, realist side always kills them eventually, but it's worth a try. Later.

#14

A reality: I’m gay

                So most people would think, big deal, you managed to put that anonymously on the internet. But for me, this is a step. Not a huge one, but still a step. If I do post this. This may be something I write and don’t ever post. We’ll see how I think it turns out. A bigger step than this was the first time I posted in the comments of a gay kid’s blog that I read. That was the first time I actually put somewhere that I was gay for other people to see. But that’s out of order. Let’s start at the beginning.

                As soon as I hit puberty, I knew I was attracted to guys. There wasn’t any avoiding it. Girls just didn’t interest me. Now, when I was younger, I didn’t have a lot of friends that were guys. I attribute this more to me not really being into sports and having two sisters rather than me being aware at a young age that I was gay. I dislike the people that say “I knew I was gay when I was (insert some ridiculously young age).” No. You might have known you didn’t fit in with other guys, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you were going to turn out gay when you finally hit puberty. Maybe you could’ve turn out to be just awkward and weird and that’s why you didn’t fit in. Going along with that is the people who say “It took me (their age) years to accept my orientation.” No. Again, you couldn’t know you were gay until your sex drive came in. So it was actually a lot fewer years that to get used to being gay. But I digress. I was obviously attracted to guys, but I also denied it to myself. I only thought about guys, but I told myself that it’d change as I got older, I’d start liking girls. Guess what, it never did. It’s really only been the last year, and the last couple months especially that I’ve really thought about what me being gay will do for my life. I always used to picture myself marrying a woman and having kids. More recently, I’ve found myself now picturing settling down with a guy and starting a family. It’s a step. Not a huge step, but a step. I did date a girl for a bit once in high school, but I chickened out when it became obvious she had way stronger feelings for me than I had for her. I still talk to Ex, and I’m pretty sure she would go out with me again if I asked, but it’s never going to happen. I just don’t like her that way.

                So where am I on the whole gay thing? I don’t really know. I’m still 100% in the closet. Not even Vee, my closest friend, knows. I was feeling tempted to tell her over the summer, but she met a ton of gay guys through one of her friends, and hearing her talk about them, I don’t think I want to come out to her. She isn’t homophobic at all (I mentioned before she has a Grindr accout), but she does let a person’s orientation color her view of a person, whether she realizes it or not. I’m bad tempered, but I feel like if I came out to her she’d think of me as a bitch instead of cranky. I don’t know if that’s how she’ll think or not, but it’s what I fear. I think I could come out to complete strangers a lot easier than I could come out to my friends. I also will definitely not be coming out to my family any time soon, if ever. My family has always been pretty homophobic. My mom and Lils have been getting better the last year or so (one of Lil’s friends has a lesbian sister who is married), but I don’t think they’d take my orientation super well. Yes, I know they would still love me, but they would also judge me. They were weird around me for weeks after they found out I hurt myself. I couldn’t bear to go through that again (and probably even worse) if I came out. Any advice someone who stumbles across this page can offer me would be appreciated on this topic.

                So have I done anything with a guy before? Yes and no. There was a guy in my school that I started doing stuff with at a young age (it’s for this reason that I question the Nature theory of homosexuality and lean more toward the Nurture with nature maybe giving some predisposition. I still have no idea if that kid ended up gay or straight *Edit: I still do not think it's a choice at all though), and we continued a little as we got older. However, I still consider myself a virgin, and I’ve never even kissed a guy. (If you want any more detail than that, we’ll either have to be really good friends or dating.) I have kissed a girl before, but that’s about as far as I’ve gone. I’m kinda torn though. Even though I’m not really religious, I was raised so, and I still like the idea of waiting until marriage (I would love to find a religious husband who thought this too). However, I would also like to try it with a girl, just once to make sure it’s actually not for me. (I do occasionally have brief periods of being attracted to girls, but I’m always still attracted to guys as well. If I was straight, and had such small attractions to guys occasionally, I’d be able to ignore it just fine. Makes me wonder about most guys…) But then I wouldn’t be waiting. So maybe whoever I marry will just have to be content with being the first guy I’ve been with. I still don’t know. (Again, advice welcome.) I also don’t know that I’d be able to actually say no if a hot guy asked me to do something with them, though. They can’t ask me if they don’t know I’m gay, however! Plus I can try and just date guys who respect my choice to wait (if they don’t want to wait until marriage, I’ll at least wait until we’re very far/serious in the relationship). If I do come out, I refuse to become one of the stereotypical sluts. I’ve always been about self-control and moderation, so hopefully it won’t be a problem. I also suspect I couldn’t do casual. I’d probably fall for any guy I did stuff with (like the guy from my school). I don’t like feminine guys, only guys that seem pretty much completely straight. That does make it a little hard to meet guys that I would ever want to date. I don’t really like the whole bar/party scene, and I’m not going to the LGBT group on campus. I’ve met some of those kids before and they are all way too much for me. *Edit: Not that they're super flamboyant or anything, just that so much of their lives revolves around their orientation.* So I don’t know how I’ll ever find someone. If I did come out to Vee, she’d start suggesting a bunch of gay guys she knows that I don’t want to date. She’d try and get me laid, thinking she was doing me a favor (she’s kinda a guy like that, even though she’s also a girly girl. She’s full of paradoxes). I scoff at relationships so much, she says she can’t wait until I’m in love for the first time. She thinks I’ll be in the clouds, all like “I never knew I could feel this way.” Which is fine if it’s true. It sounds like a nice experience.

                So what am I like? Pretty much like I’ve described before. Nerdy, a little awkward, not much fashion sense, too long of hair (I’m growing it out to donate it, and I know it looks terrible, and I hate it just as much as everyone else who sees me with it), smart, a little grumpy (you just have to know how to deal with me), sarcastic, cynical (I like to think in a fun way, though), and oddly optimistic about some things and pessimistic about others. I don’t think you can tell I’m gay by talking to me. I was a little feminine when I was younger, but I got that teased out of me pretty quick. I’m still not super masculine or anything, but I’m also not feminine. I’m pretty neutral, kinda like a lot of nerds. So I guess I’d call myself “straight-acting” rather than masculine, though I know some people don’t like that phrase since it implies all gays act “non-straight”. On the whole stereotype thing, I guess I’m not into cars or sports (though that’s mostly because my dad wasn’t either, so he didn’t teach me even though he knew about them), I sort of enjoy musicals (though I’m by no means obsessed with them or anything), and I’m friends with more girls than guys (but I do have friends of both, no problem). Stereotypes I didn’t get, I’m not artsy, I’m not fashionable, I hate to shop, I don’t know celebrity gossip (or who most of them are for that matter), I can’t dance, and I have absolutely terrible gaydar. I often find myself counting signs in guys that I like, even though I know they’re not actually there. Terrible gaydar. Unless a couple guys make some very shocking announcements in the next couple years. Then my gaydar would be epic. But I doubt it.

                So basically, my being gay doesn’t define my life. It definitely adds stress, but not nearly as much as my craziness/insecurity about grades (it’s the first day of classes and I’m already worrying and going through “What if everyone else does better than me?” in my head). The main source of stress is the uncertainty. I’m OK being in the closet for now, but I also can tell I won’t be content with it forever. Will I have to move away and cut myself off from my family to live my life? Will I ever find someone I can see myself spending the rest of my life with. Will my friends still see me the same if I come out ( I feel like Barry would, but he’s gone)? And that’s why I say fuck reality: The added uncertainty to my future. It is impossible for me to picture my life in 10 years, even just what I hope it will be. Oh, well. I’ll find out when I get there I guess. I’ll just try and focus on the present and immediate future for now.

                So yeah, that’s it: the truth about me. I’m sure I left out some of the stuff I wanted to include. Oh, well. I can always slip it into future posts. I don’t know how much I’ll talk about being gay in future posts, though. I have no gay friends, no boyfriend prospects. It’s just a part of my life that’s on the backburner for now. So don’t follow me hoping for another gay blog. I might include a post about my ideal guy soon, but that’s the only thing I have planned for now. If I really wanted readers, I would’ve started with gay posts a long time ago. One blog I read mentioned he had 10x the number of views that I did when we had the same number of posts. But again, I’m doing this blog for myself, to organize and face my own thoughts. So it’s OK if I don’t get a ton of readers. Until next time.