#14

A reality: I’m gay

                So most people would think, big deal, you managed to put that anonymously on the internet. But for me, this is a step. Not a huge one, but still a step. If I do post this. This may be something I write and don’t ever post. We’ll see how I think it turns out. A bigger step than this was the first time I posted in the comments of a gay kid’s blog that I read. That was the first time I actually put somewhere that I was gay for other people to see. But that’s out of order. Let’s start at the beginning.

                As soon as I hit puberty, I knew I was attracted to guys. There wasn’t any avoiding it. Girls just didn’t interest me. Now, when I was younger, I didn’t have a lot of friends that were guys. I attribute this more to me not really being into sports and having two sisters rather than me being aware at a young age that I was gay. I dislike the people that say “I knew I was gay when I was (insert some ridiculously young age).” No. You might have known you didn’t fit in with other guys, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you were going to turn out gay when you finally hit puberty. Maybe you could’ve turn out to be just awkward and weird and that’s why you didn’t fit in. Going along with that is the people who say “It took me (their age) years to accept my orientation.” No. Again, you couldn’t know you were gay until your sex drive came in. So it was actually a lot fewer years that to get used to being gay. But I digress. I was obviously attracted to guys, but I also denied it to myself. I only thought about guys, but I told myself that it’d change as I got older, I’d start liking girls. Guess what, it never did. It’s really only been the last year, and the last couple months especially that I’ve really thought about what me being gay will do for my life. I always used to picture myself marrying a woman and having kids. More recently, I’ve found myself now picturing settling down with a guy and starting a family. It’s a step. Not a huge step, but a step. I did date a girl for a bit once in high school, but I chickened out when it became obvious she had way stronger feelings for me than I had for her. I still talk to Ex, and I’m pretty sure she would go out with me again if I asked, but it’s never going to happen. I just don’t like her that way.

                So where am I on the whole gay thing? I don’t really know. I’m still 100% in the closet. Not even Vee, my closest friend, knows. I was feeling tempted to tell her over the summer, but she met a ton of gay guys through one of her friends, and hearing her talk about them, I don’t think I want to come out to her. She isn’t homophobic at all (I mentioned before she has a Grindr accout), but she does let a person’s orientation color her view of a person, whether she realizes it or not. I’m bad tempered, but I feel like if I came out to her she’d think of me as a bitch instead of cranky. I don’t know if that’s how she’ll think or not, but it’s what I fear. I think I could come out to complete strangers a lot easier than I could come out to my friends. I also will definitely not be coming out to my family any time soon, if ever. My family has always been pretty homophobic. My mom and Lils have been getting better the last year or so (one of Lil’s friends has a lesbian sister who is married), but I don’t think they’d take my orientation super well. Yes, I know they would still love me, but they would also judge me. They were weird around me for weeks after they found out I hurt myself. I couldn’t bear to go through that again (and probably even worse) if I came out. Any advice someone who stumbles across this page can offer me would be appreciated on this topic.

                So have I done anything with a guy before? Yes and no. There was a guy in my school that I started doing stuff with at a young age (it’s for this reason that I question the Nature theory of homosexuality and lean more toward the Nurture with nature maybe giving some predisposition. I still have no idea if that kid ended up gay or straight *Edit: I still do not think it's a choice at all though), and we continued a little as we got older. However, I still consider myself a virgin, and I’ve never even kissed a guy. (If you want any more detail than that, we’ll either have to be really good friends or dating.) I have kissed a girl before, but that’s about as far as I’ve gone. I’m kinda torn though. Even though I’m not really religious, I was raised so, and I still like the idea of waiting until marriage (I would love to find a religious husband who thought this too). However, I would also like to try it with a girl, just once to make sure it’s actually not for me. (I do occasionally have brief periods of being attracted to girls, but I’m always still attracted to guys as well. If I was straight, and had such small attractions to guys occasionally, I’d be able to ignore it just fine. Makes me wonder about most guys…) But then I wouldn’t be waiting. So maybe whoever I marry will just have to be content with being the first guy I’ve been with. I still don’t know. (Again, advice welcome.) I also don’t know that I’d be able to actually say no if a hot guy asked me to do something with them, though. They can’t ask me if they don’t know I’m gay, however! Plus I can try and just date guys who respect my choice to wait (if they don’t want to wait until marriage, I’ll at least wait until we’re very far/serious in the relationship). If I do come out, I refuse to become one of the stereotypical sluts. I’ve always been about self-control and moderation, so hopefully it won’t be a problem. I also suspect I couldn’t do casual. I’d probably fall for any guy I did stuff with (like the guy from my school). I don’t like feminine guys, only guys that seem pretty much completely straight. That does make it a little hard to meet guys that I would ever want to date. I don’t really like the whole bar/party scene, and I’m not going to the LGBT group on campus. I’ve met some of those kids before and they are all way too much for me. *Edit: Not that they're super flamboyant or anything, just that so much of their lives revolves around their orientation.* So I don’t know how I’ll ever find someone. If I did come out to Vee, she’d start suggesting a bunch of gay guys she knows that I don’t want to date. She’d try and get me laid, thinking she was doing me a favor (she’s kinda a guy like that, even though she’s also a girly girl. She’s full of paradoxes). I scoff at relationships so much, she says she can’t wait until I’m in love for the first time. She thinks I’ll be in the clouds, all like “I never knew I could feel this way.” Which is fine if it’s true. It sounds like a nice experience.

                So what am I like? Pretty much like I’ve described before. Nerdy, a little awkward, not much fashion sense, too long of hair (I’m growing it out to donate it, and I know it looks terrible, and I hate it just as much as everyone else who sees me with it), smart, a little grumpy (you just have to know how to deal with me), sarcastic, cynical (I like to think in a fun way, though), and oddly optimistic about some things and pessimistic about others. I don’t think you can tell I’m gay by talking to me. I was a little feminine when I was younger, but I got that teased out of me pretty quick. I’m still not super masculine or anything, but I’m also not feminine. I’m pretty neutral, kinda like a lot of nerds. So I guess I’d call myself “straight-acting” rather than masculine, though I know some people don’t like that phrase since it implies all gays act “non-straight”. On the whole stereotype thing, I guess I’m not into cars or sports (though that’s mostly because my dad wasn’t either, so he didn’t teach me even though he knew about them), I sort of enjoy musicals (though I’m by no means obsessed with them or anything), and I’m friends with more girls than guys (but I do have friends of both, no problem). Stereotypes I didn’t get, I’m not artsy, I’m not fashionable, I hate to shop, I don’t know celebrity gossip (or who most of them are for that matter), I can’t dance, and I have absolutely terrible gaydar. I often find myself counting signs in guys that I like, even though I know they’re not actually there. Terrible gaydar. Unless a couple guys make some very shocking announcements in the next couple years. Then my gaydar would be epic. But I doubt it.

                So basically, my being gay doesn’t define my life. It definitely adds stress, but not nearly as much as my craziness/insecurity about grades (it’s the first day of classes and I’m already worrying and going through “What if everyone else does better than me?” in my head). The main source of stress is the uncertainty. I’m OK being in the closet for now, but I also can tell I won’t be content with it forever. Will I have to move away and cut myself off from my family to live my life? Will I ever find someone I can see myself spending the rest of my life with. Will my friends still see me the same if I come out ( I feel like Barry would, but he’s gone)? And that’s why I say fuck reality: The added uncertainty to my future. It is impossible for me to picture my life in 10 years, even just what I hope it will be. Oh, well. I’ll find out when I get there I guess. I’ll just try and focus on the present and immediate future for now.

                So yeah, that’s it: the truth about me. I’m sure I left out some of the stuff I wanted to include. Oh, well. I can always slip it into future posts. I don’t know how much I’ll talk about being gay in future posts, though. I have no gay friends, no boyfriend prospects. It’s just a part of my life that’s on the backburner for now. So don’t follow me hoping for another gay blog. I might include a post about my ideal guy soon, but that’s the only thing I have planned for now. If I really wanted readers, I would’ve started with gay posts a long time ago. One blog I read mentioned he had 10x the number of views that I did when we had the same number of posts. But again, I’m doing this blog for myself, to organize and face my own thoughts. So it’s OK if I don’t get a ton of readers. Until next time.