12-01-12

                Happy first of December! Thanksgiving break was pretty good. I didn’t get any homework done during it, but I did see some friends from high school. On Saturday I saw Ex for lunch with her and Lils. I went out for drinks that evening with one of my good friends from high school. He’d just turned 21 the week before. His license was expired by a week, so for some reason the bars wouldn’t accept it as proof of his identity. We ended up wandering around town drinking random places after stopping by a liquor store. Lils went to a movie with one of her friends that night. She drove me and my friend home that night after she was done with her friend. I was pretty hung over the next morning and puked a bunch. I told my parents I had some new scars and I had started meds. I got some creams from a dermatologist for some of my scars. I had lunch with a group of random friends/semi-friends on Wednesday. They were talking about some people from our class getting engaged. The friend I drank with on Saturday had actually gotten married this summer. Ex (who’s good friends with his wife) had been forbidden from telling me, and he had assumed Ex had told me. I don’t think they got married for the right reasons (financial convenience) and my friend’s parents don’t have a great record with long-lasting marriages. My friend did seem to be enjoying saying “my wife.” I do hope everything works out for him. Thanksgiving itself wasn’t too exciting on either side of the family. I came back to Iowa City on that Sunday. I had a quiz Tuesday. I didn’t get my paper that was due Friday even started, so that’s going to be turned in late on Monday. Vee and I went shopping on Friday evening. I got some clothes a lot different than I normally wear. I kind of spent a lot of money. Oh, well, the extra from my scholarships with cover it. I’m just kinda trying something new with myself. That’s kind of my solution to everything: Try something new. I like trying new things. Even if I don’t like the thing itself, it’s still and adventure trying it.

                I saw Jorge on Tuesday walking to class. I just kept my head down, so it wasn’t that awkward (for me at least), but now I’ve been thinking about Jorge all week. I really did like him. It’s been a month since we stopped talking, and I’ve over-thought everything that happened. I’m more confused about the whole situation than ever. As I’ve said before, even if Jorge and I didn’t end up getting together that way, it would have been nice having a masculine, closeted gay friend. Vee has a lot of gay friends, but I find most of them irritating. I wish I could just talk to Jorge again, see if things maybe could be smoothed over. I still haven’t found any guys on the website that I met Jorge on that are as much fun to talk to as he was. They’re all either all about sex, or they just aren’t interesting conversation. I really don’t know why I can’t get over Jorge, though. We didn’t talk that long, and I honestly don’t know that we would have been any good together. I think it’s because the way we stopped talking was just abrupt and gave no closure. I just hate being irrational like this. But like my counselor said, you can’t think away your feelings or ignore them. You just have to learn to feel them and manage them. Something I’m not very good at. He said my some of my depression might be from bottling up a lot of feelings I don’t want to feel. Which is something I do. Something to work on.

                I haven’t seen or done anything with Josh either, so my entire “gay” life is on hold right now. We only have a week left of class and then a week of finals, and then I’m home for a month. It’s REALLY unlikely anything with any guys will happen while I’m home, and I don’t think anything’s going to happen before finals, so looks like I’m back in limbo for a month or two. I really do wish I could find a real relationship. But it’s really hard to find a gay guy I find attractive more than physically. The ones on this one actual dating (as opposed to hookup) site that sound like what I’m looking for are never in my area. All I can find is guys who want hookups. Like this guy earlier today. I was trying to turn him down politely and suggested he should find someone who would be better prepared for a hookup today. He was like “But I want you!” I replied “I’m flattered, but you don’t even know me.” He was so confused by that. He didn’t see what that had to do with hooking up with someone. I really see no hope for my future like this. Seriously, it’s just a bunch of people all about sex. Sex, sex, sex. I’m sick of it already. It would be easier to just immerse myself. However, I don’t want to. I think this is why there’s this stereotype of the newly out guy swearing he won’t be a slut. He’s forced to become one if he wants any sort of intimate interaction with other gay guys. It’s a slippery slope, and I’m going to try my best not to fall down. I probably will, though. Not gracefully, though. Kicking, clawing, and cursing myself all the way.

                This is more of a whiny/bitchy post than most of my recent ones. Oh, well. I have to get it out somehow. Plus I’m slightly depressed tonight. Hooray.

                Anyway, I hope you all have a good weekend.