Tuesday, December 22, 2015

One year

I can't believe its been a whole year since I last posted. I've been meaning to write something quick, but just never got around to it. I'm not sure most of the people who followed my blog even will see this, since a lot of their blogs dried up over the last couple years. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Blogger was a great way for me to work through my thoughts and meet people going through similar things as me. I'll probably still try and write things on here once in a while, but I wouldn't think it'll be more than once a year. And don't be super surprised if there's never anything after this.
This is super long, so don't feel like you have to read the whole thing. Gay stuff is mostly the first part, and one bolded phrase.

So first things first: I'm still with my bf. We celebrated our 2 year anniversary almost 3 months ago. I started typing 2 months, and realized it had been even longer. This year is just flying. He had been applying to Peace Corps, and would have gone overseas with that last summer, but he was wait-listed and decided he wanted to move to grad school with me instead. More on grad school in a bit. I had mentioned in my last post that we were starting to do a little more with other guys. We really opened up our relationship, and for a while we were both using it. There were some threesomes, but also just guys each of us would sleep with. One guy I slept with a few times, plus a threesome together, got a little crazy on me. He was an international student and had a boyfriend back home he was cheating on (a lot. I was not the first guy he slept with in the US). He got really clingy really fast and started calling me his American boyfriend. So I had to shut him down. Which is a pity since he was pretty hot. The Asian guy I mentioned in my last post that we'd been sleeping with a lot continued over the summer when he was in town. I feel bad since he still hasn't slept with anyone so we're the only ones he's slept with in a year and a half or so. I think he fell for me/us and I'll admit I fell a little for him too. But he's back in the Midwest, a 15 hour drive away. He's a really sweet guy, and if he lived closer, I'd probably get a polyamory thing going. But I don't think its fair to try and encourage him to have feelings for me. Its a little cliche, but I'll be happy if he's happy. I hope he does find a nice guy closer to him that can be what he deserves. He was the main person my bf and I hooked up with all summer. Since we've moved for grad school in mid-August, I've hooked up with one person. It wasn't a great hookup, and I regret doing it. I still get on Grindr and Scruff a lot. I enjoy chatting with other guys and exchanging pics. But for the most part, I don't want to meet up with them. Even if they're attractive, its too much of a bother. I'd rather just be with my boyfriend. We don't have sex super often so I jack off a lot, but I actually don't mind. I would like to just delete the apps but part of what keeps me tied to them is the couple friends/people I have actual conversations with. I go on to talk to them and end up checking what other guys are around. I wish I could stop, but it's not causing an issue with the relationship, so I guess its OK.

Its not very different living together either. I usually spent a few nights a week at his place or him at mine anyway, and our last couple months, I was at his place 5 or 6 nights a week. I think that helped our move in. One of my friends also moved in with his (very attractive) boyfriend at the beginning of August and they only made it a month or two. But they also hardly ever stayed over with each other. I'm really not sure why they thought they were a good match. But oh well. They opened their relationship right before they broke up, and my bf and I have made it beyond that point haha. We didn't open our relationship to fulfill something that wasn't getting met in the relationship. I think that helps. Living together, we've kept our routine of often just doing our own things in the evening. Now that we have our own place we're not always in the same room, which I miss a little. I liked being on my computer while he was on his. I still feel a little neglected sometimes, but I also know if I really need someone, like my anxiety is acting up or whatever, he'll be there as soon as his game is done (he mostly plays team games, so he can't just drop them.) I do more of the paying for things and he takes care of more of the cleaning, though we split cooking pretty well. The reason for this is that I work full time with class/lab, while he is only working part time at a non-profit. We also got 2 cats (one was from my parents and moved with us, and the other was a stray his coworkers found at work), which he mostly takes care of. His current plan is to try to go to law school next fall or the year after, so he's been working on studying for the LSAT some. He took it once and got an average score, with honestly not too much studying, so I'm sure he can do better if he can avoid playing computer games. If he does go to law school, after he would want to continue working for non-profits, helping people. He find that sort of work very rewarding. I'm really glad he moved with me. I lot of drama was going on this year in his family, with his mom breaking her hip, his dad divorcing his step mom, his sister having anxiety/depression so bad it was interfering with her work, his grandparents getting ill. I think he feels kind of guilty that he's not there to help out, but I don't think its fair for them to dump all their problems on him. I think its better for him to just offer his support through phone calls and they can also rely on each other, not just him. His family really makes me appreciate my own. Mine is so normal.

So last winter I went on 4 interviews for grad school (I got rejected from 1 place straight up). Two were in the Midwest and were only three hours away or so from where I was. The other two were on the East Coast. I got into three of the schools I interviewed at. One, the people were super nice, but there weren't that many professors I was interested in working with (except one super nice one who studied interesting things) (there was also a cute gay grad student at that interview, but he was already taken haha. I didn't hook up on any of my interviews). One I liked the school, but it was in a major city on the East Coast. I hated it. It wasn't as bad as NYC, which pisses me off in a few hours, but after two days there for interviews, I was in a bad mood. I also got stuck in Chicago flying back due to snow. My third interview I actually roomed with another guy from my school, which was a crazy coincidence (they assign rooms, so maybe not a coincidence haha). This was also on the East Coast where I ended up going. It is a pretty good school, interesting research, though maybe not as interesting as the second, and a much more laid back feel. People here consider it part of the South, but since its on the ocean I call it East Coast (the state is on the ocean, not the school). The last place was OK, but I was mildly sick during the interview, so I'm sure I didn't shine very much, and I didn't get an offer there (though they are also notorious for filling up all their slots before they've even interviewed everyone). I drove to that one with the guy I roomed with at the third one and we were assigned as roommates again! He's a nice guy, but very nerdy. I actually don't like talking about science or math all the time like some people. So yeah that's how I chose my school. My supervisor for my year long internship had a connection with the area so she was super excited. She's such a sweet lady, I wish I had enjoyed her project more. It was good experience though. I got to see the interview process from the other side. The boss boss was being kind of weird about my supervisors choices for candidates. He didn't talk to them himself for the most part. I really think he should give her more autonomy. They have kind of a fucked up relationship. But she can't mind it too much if she keeps working there. They had a very nice going away party for me, and I really did like my  coworkers. I had a month off from work before I had to move, two of which were spent at my parent's since my lease was up. I told both my parents (separately) that I was dating a guy by waiting for them to ask me how I was getting to my new place. They both took it calmly though a little awkwardly, and have just ignored it for the most part. Which is ok, not a bad reaction overall. My mom has asked me a few questions. I think she's more bothered by the fact that I'm not religious, honestly. My bf also came out to his dad late spring/early summer, so I got to meet him and my bf's step mom right before they divorced.

Grad school is going OK. I hate having to take classes again, I much prefer just being in lab. Luckily my program isn't too focused on classes, As long as you put in a moderate effort, you'll pass. They're much more concerned with lab work, which is good. I think it's safe to say that if you make it to a PhD program, you can go out and learn things from your field on your own instead of in class format. The first year of grad school, some science programs have you work choose a few labs that you may be interested in working in and spend a few weeks to months in them. In the end, you hope you've found a lab you can be happy working in for 4+ more years. It also depends on whether the professor has funding to support a grad student, and lots of other things, so it can be a little nerve-wracking. I'm currently in my second rotation, and I like it a whole helluva lot more than my first lab. I think I could be happy here. I'm back to working with zebrafish, like I did my senior year of college, which I enjoy. I also just like the atmosphere and people in the lab more. I sometimes feel like I'm not spending as much time in lab as a lot of my cohort (kids in my program in my year), and that was definitely true in my first lab. But this lab, I feel like I have more to do and a lot more certainty of how to go about things.

My cohort is pretty good. We're pretty small, only 6 total. Some of the upper years (started off) 2 or 3 times that size. Three of them live together, and they're ok. I usually enjoy my conversations with them, and we all hang out every few weeks. One of the guys is foreign and is really hard to understand sometimes. I think he stays quieter than he would back home because of that. He's an OK guy, but is very absorbed in his work and doesn't socialize as much. The last guy hangs out at our apartment multiple times a week. He's fun to do stuff with, like go to movies (along with one of our neighbors who is a second year in another program and gets along with the bf well), go out to eat, or just stay in and watch stuff. The weird thing is, he has a bunch of gay friends (he's been to the LGBT group on campus, I haven't), was in a gay frat in college (he claimed not to know it was gay til after he joined), and has 2 gay brothers, one older one younger. I believe he is attracted to women and has said explicitly before that he's straight, but every once in a while (like kind of often) he says something that really makes you question his sexuality. I try not to read into it, and I don't want to do anything to ruin our friendship. But its also a little frustrating to have a straight boy almost teasing you or something. There are a few gay guys in my program in the upper years. Two of them are copresidents of the LGBT group, and one of those two is my next door neighbor by a crazy coincidence. I don't intend to do anything with him though cuz it seems incestuous to mess around with people inside the program (though that's not stopping some pining on a second year I hang out with some for a girl in my cohort and the "straight" guy for another girl in my cohort).

I stopped antidepressants over a year ago. My depression hasn't been very bad, but my anxiety has been pretty bad. I try not to diagnose myself, but no one form of anxiety quite describes what I have. The categories are probably pretty artificial anyway though. I was thinking about starting some therapy, and talked to the university's counseling center. They only offer short term counseling so the guy was going to give me a list of people he thought would be good for me off campus, but I never heard back from him. I could try and find someone on my own, but I really don't know how to tell if someone would be a good fit, and also it's pretty expensive. I could find someone that works with my insurance, but even then. I should work on doing more mindfulness exercises, which help with my anxiety pretty reliably, but I never remember and it's hard to do sometimes when you're really anxious. But overall, I'm in a pretty good place right now, enjoying lab, enjoying living with my bf, and enjoying the people I know (though I do miss my friends in the Midwest. And our Asian definitely-strings-attached fuck buddy).

So yeah, like I said, that was long. I actually started this yesterday, but finished it today. I'm flying back home this afternoon for a week for the holiday. My boyfriend is staying here by himself, but so is our "straight" friend, so they're planning on spending Christmas together (me and my boyfriend celebrated Thanksgiving here also instead of home. We went to one of the girls in my cohort's place). I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season. Any questions about stuff I mentioned (or didn't) feel free to ask. Happy winter solstice (the 22nd).

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Another random update

Hello-
I didn't even look how long it's been since I last posted anything on here (insert comment about how I'm sure no one reads this here). Less than a year, but definitely more than half a year I think? Anyway. So let's get to it.


School/career:
I graduated last May with a triple major and highest honors. However, I was too lazy to apply to grad schools last fall and planned instead to take a year off. After getting rejected from a couple jobs and internships, I stumbled on one that was perfect. It was (is) an "internship" but it was for a full year instead of for a summer. It was designed for students who are taking a year after undergrad before going on to whatever. There is a definite skew in the lab towards medical school over grad school, but the lady who hired me has a PhD and I think she liked the idea of a young person she could give grad school advice to instead of all the pre-med students. The work is OK. It's definitely been good for me to have a full time job. It probably is a good thing for me to have done before grad school, especially this lab job. It's really shown me what it's like to do research full time. It has also shown me I do need to go on and get my degree so I can have more autonomy in choosing what I research. At the moment I have no say and I don't find what we're studying super interesting, but it's ok and I'm over halfway done as is. While it probably is good for me to be working full time, part of me is kinda mad at myself for not going right to grad school. I feel a little left behind with all my friends doing various kinds of graduate/professional schools. Most of them are still at the same college (the job is on my undergrad college; I didn't even change apartments) so I can still see them, which is nice though.
Grad school applications were due Dec 1st and I've already heard back from 3 places offering me an interview. I'm still waiting on 2 places, but I know one isn't sending out interview offers until the Monday after New Year's. That's the place I'm most likely to get rejected from I think and thus is of course the one I really want the answer from and have to wait. I have a pretty strong application though I think and should hopefully get at least an interview everywhere I applied. I really don't know where I want to go, so I'm hoping the visits/interviews will clear that up. It seems too long to wait to have another 3 months until I can decide where I'm going next fall. In the meantime while I wait to hear back from the last two places I'm just going to try and enjoy the undergrads being gone for break and no longer (until next semester) tutoring a few hours after already working a full day a couple evenings a week.


Dating/gay stuff: (and some personal stuff thrown in)
I'm still dating the same guy. We celebrated our one year at the end of February (*edit: September. No idea why I wrote Feb). We're still pretty casual how we go about things. We eat out together a lot because we're too lazy to cook, watch some stuff together, but also do our own things. I'll watch something or bum around on the internet while he plays his online multiplayer computer games. Sometimes I feel a little neglected (like tonight) since I can't even really make comments to him because he has headphones on to talk to his teammates. He's a little distant a lot of the time, though I probably can be too sometimes. We just kind of deal with it. I still find myself missing him after a few days of not seeing him and I do enjoy hanging out despite how much we see each other. If that's not a good basis for a relationship, Idk what is.
I stopped antidepressants a few months ago. The discontinuation side effects were horrid, but I'm glad I did stop them for the most part. My anxiety was acting up really really badly for a while (like constant irregular heartbeat anxiety) and the pills weren't helping that at all (it mostly went away on its own, just some random flare-ups). I have had a few down spells since stopping the pills, but that's outweighed by the biggest perk of stopping. I was still a virgin when I started the pills (besides fooling around with a guy in jr. high) so I really couldn't tell if I was having sexual side effects. I was. Stuff just straight up feels better and I don't have as much trouble finishing. I don't think I'll ever go on antidepressants again. I could try another type to see if that one didn't give me sexual side effects, but that would still involve restarting the pills first. I'm not sure which was worse, stopping or starting them. Both were unpleasant.
The boyfriend and I have opened things up a little. We've had several more threesomes this fall after going a year without doing any. We've also each fooled around with one or two guys individually without each other. Neither of us are the jealous type so it works out. I get on Grindr a lot to talk to friends, check out guys, maybe get some pics. Threesomes are a possibility from there (or I guess just me), but haven't really happened. They may in the future but who knows. There is one guy in particular we have a lot of threesomes with. He's a guy I hooked up with a while back. He's Asian, skinny, adorable, loves to cuddle and kind of lonely. He goes to school in a different town, but his parents live here, so we get together on breaks. He's in town at the moment for Winter break, and it's always fun to hang with him. He's very vocal about what he likes. Me and the bf both like him. I honestly think if he lived here some sort of threeway dating thing would happen. I'm pretty sure he likes us, which is sweet, but it would be better for him if he could find someone back at school. :/ Oh well, that's something for him to figure out. I'll be happy to hang out with him as long as he wants. Other notable threesomes include the very well endowed ripped guy I lost my virginity to, and a middle aged man with lots of cats who we found out after is HIV positive. We were safe, he has an undetectable virus load (he's had it for over 20 years and has it well under control) and we've been tested since then, but that was a little irritating he didn't tell us. He doesn't tell people because often they aren't comfortable sleeping with him. He omits it so he can get laid and doesn't let the people decide if they want the (very small) risk. Though he is very up front if you ask, so I guess it's also people's fault if they don't ask first.


That's about all I can think of to say. My life is pretty boring outside of work. I usually just sit around at home on the internet when I don't have to tutor. I should get out more, but part of that is the season. It's cold out and it's dark by the time I'm off work. So let me know if you have any questions and I'll answer them. I'll probably update again either when I make decisions about grad school or when my one year job is over in May or June. Until then, I hope everyone has a good holiday season and a good start to the new year.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Back briefly

Hello-


So I just wanted to give an update on what I've been doing. I'm still dating the same guy. That makes it almost 8 months now. Things are still just continuing on how they were before pretty much. We hang out and just enjoy each others company a couple nights a week. We don't try super hard and its nice to be able to just relax around each other. He's applying for the Peace Corps so if he gets in there he'll be gone for a year or two overseas, but I'm also going to be applying for grad schools this fall and don't know where I'm going to end up about a year from now. So I'm not sure where our relationship is heading or if it will be long, long term, but we're just enjoying it for now and we'll deal with that when it comes up. I mentioned in the last post getting bored sleeping with just one guy. That's actually gotten better since then, even though we haven't set up a threesome or anything. I'm not actually sure at this point if we actually will any time soon. We'll just have to see.


I'm also officially a college graduate now. I graduated with a bunch of accomplishments and I'm generally pleased with how my undergraduate experience was. There are some things I could have done better at or more of, but I did better than a lot of people while doing harder things. I got a research job on campus that's only for a year. The position is designed for students who have just graduated and will be applying for grad schools for the next year, so it's pretty much perfect for me. I wish there was a slightly different focus to the research, but it will be good experience regardless. I still need to figure out where I'm going to apply this fall for next year, but I'm not in a huge rush yet. I just should start looking a little though. It's also nice to be staying around for a year because a lot of my friends also graduated and are going in to programs at our school, so they'll still be around to hang out with.


So generally, things are looking up. I still have a ways to go before I'm done with school and need to figure out exactly what I'm doing for the next step, but I'm sure it will all work out.



Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Random Post

     So I'm in a sort of agitated mood tonight. It's a little hard to describe but it's kind of a mix between frustration, boredom, and depression. Basically it makes me not want to sit down anywhere and just run around crazy. But it's cold out, or else I totally would just go for a walk. My boyfriend is hanging out at his place tonight, which he's been doing more the last week or so. Even though it probably has most to do with him working full time again, you always have that little self doubting part in the back of your mind whispering "Is he losing interest?" Some of that questioning also comes from my own urges. I know that I have mixed feelings about not having done anything sexual with anyone besides him in months. I do enjoy being close to him and being comfortable with him. But at the same time, you can't help but notice other guys when you're out and about and have the urge to sleep with them. My boyfriend would be ok with a threesome, but the friend I would like to set one up with (me and my boyfriend have had a threesome with him before, but that was before we were officially dating) works full time and it's hard to find time that works for all of us. You people probably don't want to read about my sex life, but it's my blog :P haha. I don't know if anybody (of my very few followers) is in a relationship, but any advice you could give me about relationships and dealing with these kinds of insecurities/feeling would be welcome. So yeah that's part of the reason I'm kinda fidgety tonight.
     Another reason I'm in my mood tonight is because I was arguing with my sister earlier. I'm a very logical person by nature and I can't help but change my views after arguing with someone/looking at them from a new perspective/gaining new information. It's just sort of happened as I've grown up. I don't like to admit I'm wrong, and the mulling over after the argument/self examination/learning whatever isn't really fun. So that's part of it. However, my sister used the "I'm not going to convince you, and you're not going to convince me" line during the argument. That bothers me, that my mind keeps replaying my views and "tweaking" them (a large contribution to my unsettled feelings this evening) and I have no reason to believe she's taking any notice of my views. This is a large reason why I hate arguing with people. I pretty much never have my views entirely changed, but I at least end up looking at them in a new way. However, I'm always convinced the other person isn't doing that after the argument. Of course they very may well be. I have no idea what's going on in their heads. I probably came off just as stubborn and inflexible and unreasonable in my views as they did during the argument. Which also makes me disappointed in myself, yet another source of my mood this evening. If any of you were wondering what the argument was about, I'll just say I'm a minimalist in many areas: belongings, surroundings, social views, world views, what scientific (both natural and social) research should be funded. I like things simple and not over crowded most of the time. Occasionally I do get the urge for a loud, noisy, busy place (it's rare), and those places are perfectly possible to find. It's harder to get time to yourself. If nothing else, I end up on the internet, a place just as loud and full of other people as the physical world (if not more so). That or I end up on blogs with sexy pics (damn you tumblr! lol).
     That's probably not the best, clearest, or most concise way to go over my issues for the evening, but I thing typing this has definitely helped. It's good to put my thoughts and feelings into words and work through them that way. Of course that's why I started this blog in the first place. I haven't needed it in a while, but it can still serve its purpose. Hope everyone has a good evening, week, month, or however long it is until I post again. Who know. 'Til then.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Update

Just thought I'd write on here what I've been up to lately. It's been a long time since I posted and I'm not really planning on getting back into posting regularly. But anyway. So, big thing first, I'm seeing someone. We met a couple of months ago, and started hanging out a lot and decided to make things official about a month and a half ago. He's a couple years older than me and not in school anymore, but he's thinking of going back for grad school sometime soon. He's really shy and likes computer games and movies. He's a really big movie buff. Also I'm now out to both my sisters. My little one took it a lot better than my older one, but that was expected. School's been going OK. I have busier semesters for my last two than my class load last spring, but it shouldn't be too bad. I'm really looking forward to being done with school for a little bit. My current plan is to take a year off before graduate school. I still think getting a Ph.D. and teaching is what I want to do with my life. I also decided over the summer to start an honors project so I can graduate with Honors in biology. It's 8 more hours I have to fit into my last 2 semesters, but I like being back in a lab again. I like the professor in my lab and the other undergraduate student also in there. I'm doing three hours of research this semester and have to do three more and take a class next semester. My project involves developmental biology and zebrafish if that means anything to anyone. My depression still remains very manageable and I'm still on antidepressants. This is the first semester in college I haven't had a class with Vee. It's kind of weird seeing so little of her. She's super busy with work and projects and applying for schools. I usually just see her once every week or two. We actually decided to grab dinner together tonight. Another person I've been hanging out with is a girl who had a thing with my freshman year roommate. I hadn't talked to her in a long time, but she was in two of my classes last spring and we have two more together this fall. She's fun to hang out with and study with once in a while. I guess I don't have anything else I want to talk about on here right now. I didn't really have any super close followers, but if anyone has something they're wondering about, feel free to ask.

Oh, last thing. It snowed today, a decent amount for the first bit of snow for the year. I'm sick of winter already haha. Hope everyone else is staying warm.
-Cheers

Sunday, February 10, 2013

2-10-2013

                So once again, it’s been about two weeks since I posted. My last post was written when my depression/anxiety was acting up, and writing about it really helped me a lot. I pretty much got over being depressed for the rest of that week. I can’t think of anything exciting that really happened the first week since my last post. School was pretty straight-forward and I don’t think I did anything that weekend. This last week was more interesting. I hung out with Corny on Monday night. We talked for a while and then ended up fooling around. It was fun. I honestly enjoyed the talking more than the fooling around. I really am kinda starved for human interaction sometimes. For some reason, my depression decided to kick in in the middle of the week. It wasn’t super bad. When I’m only moderately depressed, I’m a huge downer to talk to (lots about death and doom) but I’m not truly suicidal. Days when I’m really depressed and think about suicide (I really more have “thoughts of suicide” than being truly suicidal. I think of ways to kill myself and about death a lot, but I don’t actually intend to go through with it) I just withdraw from the world. I don’t want to talk, all I want to do is be by myself or sleep to forget everything. So if I’m talking and being super depressing, that’s actually a good sign, since then I’m not at my worst. That’s important because Corny and I went out for drinks Thursday. I was still slightly depressed and even though I only had about 3 drinks, I got a little buzzed/tipsy and then I was alternating between having a good time and being very morbid in our conversation. It certainly taught me a lesson about drinking when I’m even slightly depressed. I feel bad for Corny, because I definitely was not a fun person to hang around that night. I’ve been told I can be kinda scary when my issues start acting up like that. I got sick of my emotions bouncing back and forth like they were, so I took some of my tranquilizers and went home and to bed.
                The next day (Friday), I had an appointment with Dr. H. I told her I’d been pretty good since I’d last seen her except for the couple days of moderate depression during the week. She said she’s keeping the idea of screwing with my prescriptions (either up the dose or add a second, like a mood-stabilizer) in the back of her mind and keep her updated about my ups and downs. I’m still having more ups than downs, though, which is nice. So that night I texted Anneh, Vee, and another friend trying to find something to do. They were all busy or out of town, so I was resigned to a night in, but then Nite texted me. I ended up stopping by one bar where Vee was to wish Bat a happy birthday (he turned 21 on Wednesday) and then met up with Nite. I had one drink with Bat, but I’d also hopped myself up on caffeine for the evening. I didn’t end up having any drinks in the bar with Nite. The second bar was a lot of fun. I talked to Nite and this other kid (who actually has the same name and major as me) for hours, and then with Nite and his housemates for a bit. I ended up going back to Nite’s place with him and spent the night. We didn’t go all the way (he was pretty drunk) but we did sleep in the same bed. He gave me a ride home the next morning. I had a lot of fun. Just everything that night in general. It was really nice to know I could be friendly, talk to people, and enjoy myself in a bar without drinking. Of course later in the day on Saturday, my anxiety started acting up, telling me I’d made a fool of myself. It’s still whispering in the back of my mind, but I really hope I get to hang out with Nite again. Between my anxiety and being a little short on sleep, I didn’t feel like doing anything Saturday night, even though Corny invited me somewhere. It is really nice to be invited somewhere. Even if I don’t take them up on it, people asking me to hang out really helps with my anxiety/depression.
                So this is long enough. There is some stuff I could talk about with Vee, but I’ll just summarize and say that I think we’re both a little on each other’s nerves (I especially think this after she had a mini snap at me Saturday). So I guess it’s time to avoid her for a little bit. Sometimes we need our space from each other, but we always start talking again in the end. I hope everyone else is having a good week and has a good Valentine’s Day. Until next time.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

#17

A reality: I’m stressed
I have been really depressed the last week or so. I don’t know why. It’s really starting to weigh on me, being depressed so much. I need to get out and do something and forget about stuff. Except it’s not like I haven’t been having fun. Wednesday night I hung out with Vee and we talked for a long time. It cheered me up and I had a good time. Friday was a lot of fun, first with Vee and Shield (Vee’s friend from Friday), and then with Corny and Nite (the other gay guy). Part of what’s getting to me is my social anxiety. Dr. H diagnosed me with depression, rather than anxiety (though I’m pretty sure I have both). Vee tends to get sick of people, and I’m always worried and looking for signs that she wants space from me. My mind yells at me that she’s only hanging out with me because she feels sorry for me since I have so few friends besides her. I don’t logically think this is true, but I can’t get rid of the part of me that whispers that in the back of my mind. Another example of my social anxiety is my worry over Corny and Nite. I had a really good time with them and the other people that were there. However, I can’t foresee me initiating anything in the future. I can’t think of a good way to ask people to hang out. I worry that they were just being nice and I was actually a downer to hang out with. Most of these thoughts and fears hit a couple days after hanging out with new people. I have a day or so to be happy I had fun, and then my mind just takes away all the pleasure, saying it wasn’t real, it’s all in just me. I was a burden to the other people. I should never inflict them with my presence again. I don’t know why my social anxiety has gotten so much worse since I came to college. I made a couple new friends just fine freshman year. After that though, I’ve barely made any, and none near as close. My friends keep moving or drifting away, so I’m left with pretty much just Vee. I’m so sick of worrying what people think of me. Alcohol isn’t even a fool proof cure anymore, as I’ve gotten more used to drinking since my 21st birthday. I really think being out with people more often would help my depression, but I lack the necessary number of friends to hang out with a variety of people and my anxiety isn’t letting me make any new ones.
Another part of what’s getting to me is the vast amount of free time I have. I have little to do and I’m completely bored on the internet. Despite that, I still find myself unable to do the little amount of work I do have. It makes me disgusted with myself and I really don’t need any more self-hate right now. The counselor I saw very briefly said I really need to learn to like myself more, but it’s hard. A large part of my social anxiety may be caused by my own dislike- if I don’t like me, why would I think other people would. Or perhaps my social anxiety is causing some of my self-dislike- I don’t think other people like me, therefore I must be a worthless, irritating person.
Yet another part is the whole gay thing. Part of it is I’m sick of checking out guys constantly just walking down the sidewalk. It’s natural, every guy does it (just with girls mostly), but I find it irritating. I want to stop. I just don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to deal with it. I think part of the reason I don’t want to deal with it is because I hate the ideas of what-ifs. Which also brings me to another thing that’s bothering me: all the gay guys I’ve met lately. Most of them sleep around a ton, are complete wrecks, and just aren’t that fun to be around. However, I’m still attracted to them. More so just because they’re gay. If a guy is gay, I’m instantly more interested in him than I would be if he were a straight guy. It’s because the possibility of sleeping with them actually exists. I tried fooling around with Josh last semester. I wasn’t nervous at all, probably partially because I’d done stuff with Ler (I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned him before, and if I did, what I called him) years ago. Josh commented that I didn’t act like it was my first time. People say your first time isn’t really as much fun, just because you’re nervous, awkward, and uncomfortable with the person. Josh was just a random guy, and the stuff with Ler was different. I should have been all those things. But I wasn’t. And even though I wasn’t out of my comfort zone, it wasn’t that much fun. It was kind of hot. It sort of felt good. But that was it. It was barely better than jacking off. And I don’t think it was that Josh didn’t know what he was doing. I just really don’t find fooling around with a random person that much fun. I want to like the person first. Josh was very nice. We talked for an hour or so both of the times we met up, but I just didn’t feel a connection to him. He just didn’t have a personality I would be good friends with. I don’t know how all these other gay guys can constantly sleep with different people. Don’t get me wrong, I see the urge. It’s biological. The urge to sleep with as many different people as possible, to try them all. I feel that, and it gets hard to ignore sometimes (hence Josh). However, I don’t think sleeping around a bunch would make me feel better in the long run. It would get rid of my immediate desires, but so does jacking off.
Going back, I truly hate what-ifs. What if I had slept with him and we hit it off? What if I talked to that guy and it turned out he was gay? So seeing all these random guys on the street give me one kind of problem. First, I have to fight and suppress my (biological/impossible/irritating) desire to sleep with all the hot guys I see. Second, I have to deal with the impossible what-ifs. Nothing would have ever happened. But what if it had? The gay guys I’ve met are a slightly different sort of stress inducer. They’re even harder to suppress my desire to sleep with. This is especially bad when I’m drunk. I’ve learned I can’t be drunk around gay guys unless there’s someone I don’t want to come out to around (then I can keep my mouth shut). Otherwise, I tend to get a little suggestive. Luckily, nothing’s ever come of my drunken comments. However, the possible what-ifs are even worse than the impossible ones. It’s harder to just say, “Fine, I’m never going to sleep with that guy. That’s a good thing.” My imaginings of other gay guys always involve a relationship. I can’t envision/fantasize about sleeping with someone without some sort of exclusivity either preceding or resulting (though, as I found with Josh I can do it in real life). And that’s just not what a lot of gay guys want. They can sleep with whoever they want: it’s none of my business who they sleep with, and if they have fun, good for them. I like hearing their stories about stuff like that. But it’s not for me. That’s another stress that comes from meeting gay guys. I don’t want to end up like most of them: in their own little gay world. Yeah, I want gay friends, but I want normal gay friends who can have a group of straight/bi/transgender/whatever people and not have it be about anything other than that those people are fun to hang out with. Who wants to only talk to people similar to you? Yes, it’s good to find someone you can relate to and share experiences, but it’s also good to be able to learn new things. Your personalities have to get along, but they don’t have to match. That’s part of the reason I had so much fun hanging out with Corny and Nite on Friday. Yes, they’re gay. But they both act normal, and there were plenty of other “normal” (in quotes because a lot of people think the bar we were at has a weird vibe and don’t like it. I personally loved it) people there that were also fun to talk to. Those two guys, they talked about how they rejected a lot of gay stereotypes. A lot of Vee’s friends embrace them. They can embrace them, good for them. Live how they want. But it’s not for me, and I find it difficult to relate to people who do act like that.
Basically, I have to conclude that being gay is a stress in my life. Almost more so, now that I’m starting to come out and get more in touch with my gay side and other gay guys. It was really actually easier to repress it. But it wouldn’t be easier to go back to repressing it. I just have to hope I find a way to deal with all the stresses of being gay, depression, and social anxiety, or else I’m either going to have a miserable life or a short one. Oh, well. Fuck reality.

I really didn’t mean to write this much. I started this as just a little thing I was going to write for myself and never publish. Just a way to try to deal with a little of my depression by expressing it. I’m still kinda hesitant about posting this. Two big reasons stand out: One of the people I mentioned in this reads this blog, and this is also a very personal post. It’s been a while since I’ve written trying to get so many problems out at once. I think that may be to my detriment, since self-reflection is a good thing. I am going to post this, however. Maybe someone who stumbles across my blog feels something similar. Maybe they will feel better that they’re not the only person who questions themselves and others like this or struggles with depression and anxiety. I think this is a good post to get off my chest. Hope it’s not too depressing for you. It’s also been a really long time since I’ve done a “fuck reality” post. I guess one was due-ish, even if I didn’t sit down intending to write one. Anyway, I hope everyone has a good week! I actually do feel kinda better after writing this.