It's hard to believe it's been so long since I last posted. I thought a few times about writing something (it IS a nice way to reflect back on a year) but I never got around to it. I'll try to hit the major things that happened in the two and a half years since my last blog post.
Relationships:
I'm single now. So my first (and only official) boyfriend and I dated almost 4 years. I asked him frequently about getting married, and he eventually basically answered "Yes, but not now." We broke up just over a year ago. As I've said before, we had an open relationship and long story short, I fell for someone else. My boyfriend was very aware of my feelings for the other guy, and this horrible feeling of being torn between the two of the lasted for months. If my boyfriend had simply said he wasn't comfortable with my obvious crush, I would have stopped it. But he refused to ask that of me. One of my friends said later she thinks he was looking for a way out. Perhaps he was. We hardly ever fought and were good roommates and definitely loved each other. But a lot of the passion had gone out. It bothered me that when he'd go visit home for a week, he'd hook up with three guys, but he never wanted to have sex more than once a week with me, even though I was horny quite often. I had actually thought of closing the relationship, but I wasn't sure how to bring it up and then I met the other guy and couldn't cut it off myself. After things came to a head and the other guy said he couldn't date me, my bf said he was willing to go back to what we had. However, I was heartbroken over my crush and combined with his refusal to put any effort into saving our relationship (again, if he had said it bothered him at all I would have stopped but he'd just say "I don't think you can force these things") and comments before about not wanting to be with one person his whole life, I decided we shouldn't get back together. He enjoyed our relationship because it was easy and comfortable, but he wouldn't put much effort into it. We had sex a little over the summer, and were actually having sex more often as time went on, until in August he met a guy and stopped sleeping with me to see where things went with him. They're still dating now. They guy's really nice and pretty attractive (and reminds me a little of myself...) and I'm glad my ex is happy, but it does hurt he moved on so damn fast. Within a few weeks he was sleeping with a guy semi regularly and would probably have dated him if the guy had agreed (I'm glad he didn't He wasn't attractive and didn't have much for a career). I think there's some deeper issue in my ex. He was with his ex before me for a year and a half and they had broken up only a few months before he and I met. He was with me for almost four years and he's with another guy within three months and had another guy he was interested in in less than a month. He's definitely a serial monogamist. He's so laid back that he can make a relationship work with pretty much anyone else who's laid back. He obviously prefers to be in a relationship and doesn't seem too picky. Idk. I do miss being with him, but I'm not going to rush into a relationship to fill the void. My ex and I still live together and it still is hard. In some ways, he's like family. It's not like we had sex very much before we broke up anyway and we didn't fight or anything when we broke up. I do with I could be more affectionate though. I'd be nice to cuddle, or kiss him or have sex again. Sometimes it's hard not to resent his new boyfriend.
I still talk to the guy who (not his fault) broke us up. I met him just a few nights after the presidential election at an LGBT grad student social. He goes to another nearby university. He's really awkward and nerdy, but his face is just my type and he has fantastic junk (big low hangers and a big uncut dick). We talked on facebook for a while and I was looking forward to just being a fwb with him, but when we did finally meet up and hang out one on one, I at least was instantly head over heels for him. We saw each other every week or two for three or four months, eventually saying "I love you" shortly before things were called off. I was completely smitten, though also still cared deeply for my ex. It was a kind of awful few months, with so much uncertainty and guilt. Eventually I asked my crush out and he said no. He seemed to think that would be the end of it, that'd I'd just go back to my ex. But the damage was done. I couldn't just get back with my ex after how things had gone down. We hung out after that some. A few months later, he'd been giving me mixed signals (no matter what he said denying it, I'm pretty sure he still had feelings for me at that point), and he turned me down again. We stopped talking for a couple months after that, but started again in Nov, about one year after we had first met. Soon after that he developed a huge crush on a guy that wasn't reciprocated, followed by another. He's also kind of a serial monogamist I think. A couple months ago he got into a new relationship. He told me at the beginning the other guy was into him more than he was into the other guy, but I think he was hurt an lonely after two crushes turned him down (they didn't do it straight forward though and hooked up with him for a while first), and he really wanted to be in a relationship. So he agreed to date this guy, and I guess they're going strong. Like my ex, my crush is also pretty laid back and I suspect he'll hold onto this relationship for a long time. It kind of sucks that both my ex and this guy jump into things so fast. It really kind of makes what I had with each of them feel cheaper and less significant. I still love both of them, even though I don't know that I could date either of them. I do wish I could be at least a little intimate with them however. Hookup or cuddle once in a while even if there's no commitment. If I ever do have a serious relationship again, I think friends and exes will still be fair game to hook up with once in a while. I can't stand in the way of bonds that pre-date me. I will never have a completely open relationship again though. Once burned, twice shy.
In that vein, I definitely was kind of in love with the Asian guy from back where I did undergrad. In fact, we said I love you to each other last time I saw him (around Christmas). So that's three guys in my life I've said I love you to romantically. I still feel bad he hasn't dated anyone and hasn't really even hooked up since I've moved away. I actually had a threesome with him and another guy at Christmas (it was the only way we had a place to actually hook up). If I had to rate them on a scale, I'd say my crush on this guy was a 4 or 5, my crush on my ex was a 7 when we started dating, and the other guy was like a nine - the strongest crush I've ever had (I didn't go completely crazy when shit went down, no stalking or phone calls etc, but I still think about him a lot over a year later). I don't know what it is about him that drives me so crazy. Shrug.
I've hooked up some over the past year, but I've actually been off Grindr and the other apps more than I've been on them. There was one guy back in March I think we both had a small crush on each other, but there were a few reasons I'd have been hesitant to date him, but he kinda broke things off anyway (he also still had feelings for his ex). (Side note: I was talking with the big crush guy a couple months ago and I mentioned that I never actively seek dates/relationship. I'd much rather approach stuff casually to start. He said he gets on the dates with the express purpose of getting off them again as fast as possible. So many people want a relationship so bad. Idk, I ahve mixed feelings about that, but it kind of leaves a bad taste in my mouth.) There was a guy with a big crush on me around Christmas. I stopped hanging out with him because he obviously wasn't going to be able to just be friends. I recently tried to hang out with him again recently, after not talking for 6 months, but he seemed to jump right back on, so shrug. There's a guy who is actually the only guy I've had sex with the last couple months, but I'm not interested in him. He's nice, cute, and ok to fool around with, but I just don't feel a spark with him. He kind of hinted at the beginning that he was interested, but I haven't really gotten that from him recently, even though we've still been hanging out. It seems I don't have too much trouble finding interested people, but I'm still just not in any place for a relationship yet. Though I am slowly feeling closer and closer to that point.
God, this post is already long just talking about relationship stuff. The last year and a half has not been kind as far as love. The rest should be shorter, but I think I'm going to call this good for today and write more tomorrow or the day after.
