Wednesday, October 24, 2012


So first off, I would like to say thank you to my new readers. However, I would also like to point out that I can tell from the number of page views that you haven’t read the rest of my blog, so I’m just going to warn you I don’t talk a super amount about the whole gay thing, so this might be a bit of a boring read. Posts #14 and #16 (the one I’m sure most of you read) are the only ones that are entirely about being gay. Otherwise, I write more about what’s going on in my life with classes, friends, starting meds, etc. But again, thanks for your interest and I hope you enjoy! There’s also some gay stuff towards the end of this post too if that’s what you want to read.
So, it’s really been a while since I’ve posted. More than three weeks. A lot’s been going on since it’s a busy time in the semester, but stuff also hasn’t been that great. Sorry for how long this is btw. I mentioned in my last “journal” post that I didn’t think my prescription for antidepressants would be changed since they seemed to be working well. Dr. H did end up upping my dose just a little, but I decided to wait to start that until after my test later that week just in case I got side-effects. When I took that test on Wednesday, I felt horrible about it. I got super depressed afterwards and went to hang out with Vee. It was bad. The next day I started my new prescription. I did end up getting a few side-effects, but not nearly as bad as when I first started fluoxetine. That week was also my older sister’s birthday. I had to come up with an excuse to not drink with her since I was still avoiding alcohol with my prescription (I still haven’t told anyone in my family about my drugs). It was fun though. We went to a bar, she drank, and I just ate. My parents also came down over the weekend, since it’s about half-way through the semester and close to my sister’s birthday. I always get kinda irritable with them when they visit at college. I love going home to visit them, but when they come here, it always seems they’re intruding. Plus my new prescription was making me super tired. So they took up a ton of my weekend, which was really bad because it was a weekend I really needed to get shit done. Basically I got nothing done, had a slight breakdown, could barely force myself to study the whole next week. I did really bad on my test Tuesday, didn’t get a presentation done for Wednesday that I was supposed to, and didn’t turn my lab report due Friday in until the next Monday. I will also say that after Monday/Tuesday I now will have even more scars to add to my collection. Fuck.
                So with the presentation I was supposed to have done Wednesday, I talked to the professor, ended up explaining my problems (stress + anxiety = depression = unable to work + vaguely suicidal) and he was pretty good. He postponed my meeting with him until Friday. I still didn’t have much done by Friday, and I didn’t even start working on my presentation until early in the morning the next Tuesday, the day I was supposed to present it. It went OK considering, but it was definitely a little rough. I was actually supposed to meet with the professor this last Monday to discuss how it went, but he was late, so apparently we just missed each other. Instead, I’m supposed to meet him this next Friday. We’ll see what he says. I suspect he’s not super pleased with me. So the Friday I met with that professor (I love that professor by the way. He’s a great teacher and was super helpful during our meeting) to go over my presentation before I gave it, Barry actually came into town for the night. We went out to eat, went out for hookah, went to a bar (I had one beer over the course of an hour and a half. Damn meds) and then caught lunch before he left the next day. I hadn’t seen him since last spring, so it was fun talking to him again. So the next week, after turning my lab report in on Monday and having a quiz followed immediately by my presentation on Tuesday, I really just chilled the rest of the week. Until Friday. I had an appointment with Dr. H on Friday and she was most displeased by my new “scars” and bad record with stuff interfering with school. She told me to stay on my antidepressants since they might be helping a little bit, and also gave me a prescription for an antipsychotic. I know that sounds scary, but I’m just supposed to take one when I get in my weird agitated moods to help me calm down and not do anything stupid. She also told me to set up an appointment for counseling. She recommended an outside place, but I’m going to try the University first. My mom’s taking a while to tell me whether or not our insurance covers the place Dr. H recommended, so I just decided to try the free one first. That appointment’s next week. I also have to meet with Dr. H again this week. We had been doing a couple weeks between appointments, but she’s really not happy with me. She even stole my key to the lab I work in so I don’t have access to any chemicals. So tomorrow I’m probably going to have to explain that to my research advisor. Oh, well. I probably should have told my research advisor a while ago.
                So the same Friday that I had an appointment with Dr. H is when I really noticed Vee getting into bitch mode with me. Part of the reason she and I have been close so long is because we can tell when the other’s had enough of us. Then we just kinda avoid each other for a bit and act like nothing happened when we finally do start hanging out more again. Well, this time Vee has been anything but subtle in trying to avoid me. She’s been really snippy with me and downright rude sometimes. Like I said, I really noticed it last Friday for the first time and it came out of nowhere, with no warning. Last night I texted her asking if we could hang out or if I should just take one of my antipsychotics instead, she replied that I should start being more independent and to take a pill. Translation: stop being such a whiny, clingy bitch. Fuck you, Vee. She knows exactly what I’m going through and she decided to dump that on me. She’s dangerously close to pissing me off permanently. I can literally stay mad at someone for years (depending on how badly they piss me off. A year’s most normal, though there’s one kid we’re on three and counting. He almost got me suspended, though). So that night, since Vee obviously didn’t want me to drink with her, I bought a six pack and drank alone. It was actually really fun. I talked to my neighbors (also drunk) for the first time, this chick at the front desk who knows Swahili and wants to move to Africa (she’s very white), and this one kid (also very drunk) who I met outside after I fell down, among others. I actually ended up mentioning I was gay to the kid I met after falling down. He said good for me and that his best friend from high school was actually gay. Not bad for my first experience coming out to someone in real life. I knew Anneh was studying somewhere that night, but she wasn’t texting me back where, so I decided to go looking for her (I love people/company when I’m drunk). She was actually the first place I looked, a coffee shop. I sat there with her and her friend on my computer and chatting for a couple hours until the place closed. I’m a little loud when I’m drunk, but I don’t think I was super irritating. Plus, I’m funny when I’m drunk so it all works out. I then went back to my room, texted a friend from high school, and watched Adventures in Babysitting while I sobered up. I woke up the next morning with essentially no hangover, and proceeded to do nothing the rest of the weekend. I did hang out with my older sister on Saturday and Lils on Sunday.
                So this week’s been a kind of limbo. I haven’t really had anything going on, but I’ve been super depressed the last couple days starting Monday (today’s Wednesday). It’s been random since stress is my major trigger for this stuff. The antidepressants haven’t seemed to be helping much, and I’ve been pretty bad. I’m not truly suicidal, I just think about death and ways to kill myself a lot, but I have no intention of going through with them. It’s just been stressful, and my notes during class have definitely suffered. I haven’t really talked to someone since Monday, since Vee’s being a bitch, but I think I’m meeting Anneh tonight after my evening class. I really need some company. I really have the last couple days. That’s why I texted Vee when she told me to take a pill and to start being more independent. So yeah, I’m definitely looking forward to getting to talk to someone. My depression’s been weird today. It was really bad this morning, with an almost constant state of despair going on. Then I started just getting random moments when I was almost fine. Then those started taking over and I was just getting random flashes of despair. That’s still going on. It’s kinda exhausting. I’m definitely going to ask Dr. H about it on Friday. I swear to you I didn’t use to be this crazy. This has been going on for less than a year. I really don’t know what triggered it all of a sudden. My older sister had something kinda similar her junior year in college, too, though I think her thing was a little less severe than mine and she let it affect her school work more. I really hope I can get this figured out. I’m sick of wanting to just give up on absolutely everything. I’m sick of feeling alone. I just want someone to be there. Not trying to make me feel better, but just letting me know they’re there for me no matter what. My family would do that for me, but I have this weird aversion to telling them stuff. I really hope my depression clears up tomorrow, since I have three tests next week and I should start studying tomorrow. I’m really worried since stress is usually a very bad thing for me and the tests are all one day after the other starting on Monday. We’ll see.
                So finally the stuff that might be more interesting to my gay readers: I got an adam4adam account almost two weeks ago on a Thursday (the 11th). I have no intention of doing just random hookups on there, but it’s been easier to find other guys my age who aren’t looking for hookups either than I thought it would be. I’ve talked to several guys and thought we’ve been getting along alright, but they stop messaging me randomly for some reason. I’ve found other guys who are masculine and in the closet, and it’s been fun. I’ve also talked to some older people. Most of them have been creepy, but this one Australian guy was really nice. I wouldn’t mind talking to him again. He seems to more be on there to talk and lightly flirt than anything. He was pretty cool. And he was only in his mid-30’s so not super old. But there has been one guy who I’ve been talking to. Let’s call him Jorge. Obviously he’s Latino. He was really fun messaging, and we exchanged numbers, so we’ve been texting. We actually started texting while I was drunk last Friday. He was getting drunk with his sister and cousin (he goes home for the weekends). Our conversation remained pretty casual throughout, so it doesn’t seem either of us are desperate or horny drunks. He’s not out either. We decided to meet for supper on Monday. We both still live in the dorms (he’s 21 and a senior), so we just went to one of the eating halls. His pictures were a lot hotter (he’s very photogenic) but he’s still just fine in person. I kinda like that he’s more average anyway. He’s completely normal too, and not a huge partier or anything. Our conversation never turned to anything gay since we were in public. He said when we were messaging each other that he just wanted a friend he could be himself around. As you maybe can tell, I’m pretty obviously at least a little interested in him. Unfortunately, I have no way of knowing yet if he’s interested in return or if he’s really just looking for friends. We’ve only exchanged a very few texts since Monday. I’m always the one initiating our texting conversations, so I don’t know whether to interpret that as he’s as shy as/shier than me, or I’m being a pest. I really hope not I’m not bothering him. Even if he’s not interested in any sort of relationship, it’d be fun just to have a gay friend I can relate to. Unfortunately, we have no classes together, no mutual friends, and it’s a busy time of the semester, and he works back home on the weekends. It might be a little hard finding time to hang out together to get to know each other. We’ll see what happens. I’m sure I’ll write about whatever happens, or you can email me and ask more if you’re really dying to know. I’m kinda doubting anything comes out of it, but I can hope, right? I need some hope in my life right now.
                Comments on anything are appreciated. Especially advice for depression and school work. I know that has to be kind of a downer to read about, but I’m sorry. It’s my life. I actually kind of enjoy it in a weird way. At least looking back on it. Anyway, my evening class is soon and them I’m meeting Anneh, so I better get this posted and go. Hope everyone has a good rest of the week. Happy hump day!