Monday, November 11, 2013


Just thought I'd write on here what I've been up to lately. It's been a long time since I posted and I'm not really planning on getting back into posting regularly. But anyway. So, big thing first, I'm seeing someone. We met a couple of months ago, and started hanging out a lot and decided to make things official about a month and a half ago. He's a couple years older than me and not in school anymore, but he's thinking of going back for grad school sometime soon. He's really shy and likes computer games and movies. He's a really big movie buff. Also I'm now out to both my sisters. My little one took it a lot better than my older one, but that was expected. School's been going OK. I have busier semesters for my last two than my class load last spring, but it shouldn't be too bad. I'm really looking forward to being done with school for a little bit. My current plan is to take a year off before graduate school. I still think getting a Ph.D. and teaching is what I want to do with my life. I also decided over the summer to start an honors project so I can graduate with Honors in biology. It's 8 more hours I have to fit into my last 2 semesters, but I like being back in a lab again. I like the professor in my lab and the other undergraduate student also in there. I'm doing three hours of research this semester and have to do three more and take a class next semester. My project involves developmental biology and zebrafish if that means anything to anyone. My depression still remains very manageable and I'm still on antidepressants. This is the first semester in college I haven't had a class with Vee. It's kind of weird seeing so little of her. She's super busy with work and projects and applying for schools. I usually just see her once every week or two. We actually decided to grab dinner together tonight. Another person I've been hanging out with is a girl who had a thing with my freshman year roommate. I hadn't talked to her in a long time, but she was in two of my classes last spring and we have two more together this fall. She's fun to hang out with and study with once in a while. I guess I don't have anything else I want to talk about on here right now. I didn't really have any super close followers, but if anyone has something they're wondering about, feel free to ask.

Oh, last thing. It snowed today, a decent amount for the first bit of snow for the year. I'm sick of winter already haha. Hope everyone else is staying warm.

Sunday, February 10, 2013


                So once again, it’s been about two weeks since I posted. My last post was written when my depression/anxiety was acting up, and writing about it really helped me a lot. I pretty much got over being depressed for the rest of that week. I can’t think of anything exciting that really happened the first week since my last post. School was pretty straight-forward and I don’t think I did anything that weekend. This last week was more interesting. I hung out with Corny on Monday night. We talked for a while and then ended up fooling around. It was fun. I honestly enjoyed the talking more than the fooling around. I really am kinda starved for human interaction sometimes. For some reason, my depression decided to kick in in the middle of the week. It wasn’t super bad. When I’m only moderately depressed, I’m a huge downer to talk to (lots about death and doom) but I’m not truly suicidal. Days when I’m really depressed and think about suicide (I really more have “thoughts of suicide” than being truly suicidal. I think of ways to kill myself and about death a lot, but I don’t actually intend to go through with it) I just withdraw from the world. I don’t want to talk, all I want to do is be by myself or sleep to forget everything. So if I’m talking and being super depressing, that’s actually a good sign, since then I’m not at my worst. That’s important because Corny and I went out for drinks Thursday. I was still slightly depressed and even though I only had about 3 drinks, I got a little buzzed/tipsy and then I was alternating between having a good time and being very morbid in our conversation. It certainly taught me a lesson about drinking when I’m even slightly depressed. I feel bad for Corny, because I definitely was not a fun person to hang around that night. I’ve been told I can be kinda scary when my issues start acting up like that. I got sick of my emotions bouncing back and forth like they were, so I took some of my tranquilizers and went home and to bed.
                The next day (Friday), I had an appointment with Dr. H. I told her I’d been pretty good since I’d last seen her except for the couple days of moderate depression during the week. She said she’s keeping the idea of screwing with my prescriptions (either up the dose or add a second, like a mood-stabilizer) in the back of her mind and keep her updated about my ups and downs. I’m still having more ups than downs, though, which is nice. So that night I texted Anneh, Vee, and another friend trying to find something to do. They were all busy or out of town, so I was resigned to a night in, but then Nite texted me. I ended up stopping by one bar where Vee was to wish Bat a happy birthday (he turned 21 on Wednesday) and then met up with Nite. I had one drink with Bat, but I’d also hopped myself up on caffeine for the evening. I didn’t end up having any drinks in the bar with Nite. The second bar was a lot of fun. I talked to Nite and this other kid (who actually has the same name and major as me) for hours, and then with Nite and his housemates for a bit. I ended up going back to Nite’s place with him and spent the night. We didn’t go all the way (he was pretty drunk) but we did sleep in the same bed. He gave me a ride home the next morning. I had a lot of fun. Just everything that night in general. It was really nice to know I could be friendly, talk to people, and enjoy myself in a bar without drinking. Of course later in the day on Saturday, my anxiety started acting up, telling me I’d made a fool of myself. It’s still whispering in the back of my mind, but I really hope I get to hang out with Nite again. Between my anxiety and being a little short on sleep, I didn’t feel like doing anything Saturday night, even though Corny invited me somewhere. It is really nice to be invited somewhere. Even if I don’t take them up on it, people asking me to hang out really helps with my anxiety/depression.
                So this is long enough. There is some stuff I could talk about with Vee, but I’ll just summarize and say that I think we’re both a little on each other’s nerves (I especially think this after she had a mini snap at me Saturday). So I guess it’s time to avoid her for a little bit. Sometimes we need our space from each other, but we always start talking again in the end. I hope everyone else is having a good week and has a good Valentine’s Day. Until next time.

Sunday, January 27, 2013


A reality: I’m stressed
I have been really depressed the last week or so. I don’t know why. It’s really starting to weigh on me, being depressed so much. I need to get out and do something and forget about stuff. Except it’s not like I haven’t been having fun. Wednesday night I hung out with Vee and we talked for a long time. It cheered me up and I had a good time. Friday was a lot of fun, first with Vee and Shield (Vee’s friend from Friday), and then with Corny and Nite (the other gay guy). Part of what’s getting to me is my social anxiety. Dr. H diagnosed me with depression, rather than anxiety (though I’m pretty sure I have both). Vee tends to get sick of people, and I’m always worried and looking for signs that she wants space from me. My mind yells at me that she’s only hanging out with me because she feels sorry for me since I have so few friends besides her. I don’t logically think this is true, but I can’t get rid of the part of me that whispers that in the back of my mind. Another example of my social anxiety is my worry over Corny and Nite. I had a really good time with them and the other people that were there. However, I can’t foresee me initiating anything in the future. I can’t think of a good way to ask people to hang out. I worry that they were just being nice and I was actually a downer to hang out with. Most of these thoughts and fears hit a couple days after hanging out with new people. I have a day or so to be happy I had fun, and then my mind just takes away all the pleasure, saying it wasn’t real, it’s all in just me. I was a burden to the other people. I should never inflict them with my presence again. I don’t know why my social anxiety has gotten so much worse since I came to college. I made a couple new friends just fine freshman year. After that though, I’ve barely made any, and none near as close. My friends keep moving or drifting away, so I’m left with pretty much just Vee. I’m so sick of worrying what people think of me. Alcohol isn’t even a fool proof cure anymore, as I’ve gotten more used to drinking since my 21st birthday. I really think being out with people more often would help my depression, but I lack the necessary number of friends to hang out with a variety of people and my anxiety isn’t letting me make any new ones.
Another part of what’s getting to me is the vast amount of free time I have. I have little to do and I’m completely bored on the internet. Despite that, I still find myself unable to do the little amount of work I do have. It makes me disgusted with myself and I really don’t need any more self-hate right now. The counselor I saw very briefly said I really need to learn to like myself more, but it’s hard. A large part of my social anxiety may be caused by my own dislike- if I don’t like me, why would I think other people would. Or perhaps my social anxiety is causing some of my self-dislike- I don’t think other people like me, therefore I must be a worthless, irritating person.
Yet another part is the whole gay thing. Part of it is I’m sick of checking out guys constantly just walking down the sidewalk. It’s natural, every guy does it (just with girls mostly), but I find it irritating. I want to stop. I just don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to deal with it. I think part of the reason I don’t want to deal with it is because I hate the ideas of what-ifs. Which also brings me to another thing that’s bothering me: all the gay guys I’ve met lately. Most of them sleep around a ton, are complete wrecks, and just aren’t that fun to be around. However, I’m still attracted to them. More so just because they’re gay. If a guy is gay, I’m instantly more interested in him than I would be if he were a straight guy. It’s because the possibility of sleeping with them actually exists. I tried fooling around with Josh last semester. I wasn’t nervous at all, probably partially because I’d done stuff with Ler (I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned him before, and if I did, what I called him) years ago. Josh commented that I didn’t act like it was my first time. People say your first time isn’t really as much fun, just because you’re nervous, awkward, and uncomfortable with the person. Josh was just a random guy, and the stuff with Ler was different. I should have been all those things. But I wasn’t. And even though I wasn’t out of my comfort zone, it wasn’t that much fun. It was kind of hot. It sort of felt good. But that was it. It was barely better than jacking off. And I don’t think it was that Josh didn’t know what he was doing. I just really don’t find fooling around with a random person that much fun. I want to like the person first. Josh was very nice. We talked for an hour or so both of the times we met up, but I just didn’t feel a connection to him. He just didn’t have a personality I would be good friends with. I don’t know how all these other gay guys can constantly sleep with different people. Don’t get me wrong, I see the urge. It’s biological. The urge to sleep with as many different people as possible, to try them all. I feel that, and it gets hard to ignore sometimes (hence Josh). However, I don’t think sleeping around a bunch would make me feel better in the long run. It would get rid of my immediate desires, but so does jacking off.
Going back, I truly hate what-ifs. What if I had slept with him and we hit it off? What if I talked to that guy and it turned out he was gay? So seeing all these random guys on the street give me one kind of problem. First, I have to fight and suppress my (biological/impossible/irritating) desire to sleep with all the hot guys I see. Second, I have to deal with the impossible what-ifs. Nothing would have ever happened. But what if it had? The gay guys I’ve met are a slightly different sort of stress inducer. They’re even harder to suppress my desire to sleep with. This is especially bad when I’m drunk. I’ve learned I can’t be drunk around gay guys unless there’s someone I don’t want to come out to around (then I can keep my mouth shut). Otherwise, I tend to get a little suggestive. Luckily, nothing’s ever come of my drunken comments. However, the possible what-ifs are even worse than the impossible ones. It’s harder to just say, “Fine, I’m never going to sleep with that guy. That’s a good thing.” My imaginings of other gay guys always involve a relationship. I can’t envision/fantasize about sleeping with someone without some sort of exclusivity either preceding or resulting (though, as I found with Josh I can do it in real life). And that’s just not what a lot of gay guys want. They can sleep with whoever they want: it’s none of my business who they sleep with, and if they have fun, good for them. I like hearing their stories about stuff like that. But it’s not for me. That’s another stress that comes from meeting gay guys. I don’t want to end up like most of them: in their own little gay world. Yeah, I want gay friends, but I want normal gay friends who can have a group of straight/bi/transgender/whatever people and not have it be about anything other than that those people are fun to hang out with. Who wants to only talk to people similar to you? Yes, it’s good to find someone you can relate to and share experiences, but it’s also good to be able to learn new things. Your personalities have to get along, but they don’t have to match. That’s part of the reason I had so much fun hanging out with Corny and Nite on Friday. Yes, they’re gay. But they both act normal, and there were plenty of other “normal” (in quotes because a lot of people think the bar we were at has a weird vibe and don’t like it. I personally loved it) people there that were also fun to talk to. Those two guys, they talked about how they rejected a lot of gay stereotypes. A lot of Vee’s friends embrace them. They can embrace them, good for them. Live how they want. But it’s not for me, and I find it difficult to relate to people who do act like that.
Basically, I have to conclude that being gay is a stress in my life. Almost more so, now that I’m starting to come out and get more in touch with my gay side and other gay guys. It was really actually easier to repress it. But it wouldn’t be easier to go back to repressing it. I just have to hope I find a way to deal with all the stresses of being gay, depression, and social anxiety, or else I’m either going to have a miserable life or a short one. Oh, well. Fuck reality.

I really didn’t mean to write this much. I started this as just a little thing I was going to write for myself and never publish. Just a way to try to deal with a little of my depression by expressing it. I’m still kinda hesitant about posting this. Two big reasons stand out: One of the people I mentioned in this reads this blog, and this is also a very personal post. It’s been a while since I’ve written trying to get so many problems out at once. I think that may be to my detriment, since self-reflection is a good thing. I am going to post this, however. Maybe someone who stumbles across my blog feels something similar. Maybe they will feel better that they’re not the only person who questions themselves and others like this or struggles with depression and anxiety. I think this is a good post to get off my chest. Hope it’s not too depressing for you. It’s also been a really long time since I’ve done a “fuck reality” post. I guess one was due-ish, even if I didn’t sit down intending to write one. Anyway, I hope everyone has a good week! I actually do feel kinda better after writing this.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

1-26-13 part 2

     So Friday (last) night, Vee and I decided to go out to the bars with one of her other friends. The bar was really quiet when I got there, but it got pretty busy as the night went on. There were a bunch of pool tables in the bar and one of the guys playing near us was really hot lol. Vee's friend is a kinda odd guy. He lived on the same floor as us freshman year (he was a sophomore) and he kinda strikes you as gay when you meet him. However, he's never come out to Vee, but when we got drunk, we were all kinda discussing guys. So we'll see if he ends up coming out soon or something. He hung out with his roommate later in the evening, so Vee and I went back to her place. She was being kinda lame. She was texting a guy, trying to get him to sleep with her. She didn't want to go anywhere and wasn't talking much.
      So a little context for this next part. Last semester, right before finals week, I met a guy online, and it turned out we had been in a (small) class together for the entire semester. We didn't get a chance to talk in person, but did continue talking on facebook etc. So anyway, this guy invited me to hang out with him and some friends at another bar. Vee didn't want to go, so I went by myself. I actually hadn't been in either of the bars I went to last night, but I liked them both. So I've decided to call the guy from my class Corny (because of the lab he works in). So I went to the bar where Corny et al were, and it was actually a lot of fun. Usually I'm super awkward around new people, but the people were easy to talk to. Besides Corny and me, there was one other gay guy. Us three ended up talking for a while, and it was really fun. It was my first long conversation with other gay guys who knew I was gay (besides Jorge, but we didn't talk about anything gay-related the one time we met). Last night was the first time I'd stayed at a bar late enough for last call (I only had one drink at the second bar. I was trying to start slowly sobering up at that point). It was kinda funny that I liked these two guys (as friends) a lot more than any of the gay guys I've met through Vee (except maybe the one we had been drinking with earlier, if he actually is gay). Hopefully I'll hang with the people I met last night again sometime.
      So, yeah, that was my week. I have a very small amount of homework to do this weekend. Other than that, it's going to be difficult to keep myself busy. I hope everyone else is having good luck in whatever they're doing (work, school, nothing). Until next time.


So I'm still kinda drunk, so bear with me for this post lol.
So life's been a little interesting. Me and Lils came back Sunday. I ate supper with Vee and then we ended up eventually going to a party put on by a gay friend of hers. I didn't really like any of the guys there and all of my attempts at conversation kind of fell flat. Fortunately, Vee wasn't that impressed with the people there either so me and two of her friends went back to her place for a while. The rest of the week consisted of classes and a lot of alone time. I don't have many classes this semester, so I get really bored and sit alone in my room. Tuesday, I actually went the whole day without talking to anybody, besides answers in class and saying hi to a couple of people on the sidewalk. I was kinda depressed on and off all week too, which was no fun. One of the nights I was depressed I deleted my accounts on the gay/dating sites I was on. I really don't miss them that much. I had a checkup with Dr. H Friday morning. She told me if I'm going to sit around and do nothing, at least go do it in a public place so I wasn't so isolated all the time. So I went and read a book in the Union later in the day. Also on Friday, I got on the same bus (with a pretty cute driver) four times over the course of the morning. Each of them was a complete coincidence. I hope the driver didn't recognize me. That'd be kinda awkward lol.
Yeah, fuck it. I'll continue this when I'm sober.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013


It’s been a couple weeks since I posted, but nothing exciting’s been happening. I haven’t been out of the house much but I’m actually less bored. I get used to sitting around doing nothing and I don’t get bored nearly as fast. That’s how I used to spend my summers in high school. Next year I’ll have an apartment in my college’s town, so I won’t have to sit around for all of winter break. Classes start one week from today. They start on a Tuesday because Monday is Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Me and Lils are heading back Sunday, so that will give us a day or two to relax before classes start. I’m looking forward to seeing people again and having unrestricted internet access. I’ve actually been having more time alone in the house the last week, so I’ve been able to get on some gay/dating sites to exchange some messages with people. I have to say, I’m really getting tired of the whole chatting-online thing. Plenty of the guys are nice, but I’ll probably never see them in person, so it just seems like a waste of time. I’ve said before that Vee has a lot of gay friends (she’s such a fag hag or fairy princess, whichever you want to call her) and I think I’m going to get her to introduce me to more of them. I’ll probably come out to them, since they don’t really know other people I do besides Vee and so there’s very little chance of the subject of my sexuality getting back to random people I know. I get a little irritated with super flamboyant guys (I have a more reserved personality) but Vee does too, so most of her friends are pretty normal. You can tell they’re gay, but it’s not a big deal. So yeah, my plans for this semester really consist of trying to find some gay guys I can be friends with (or at least hang out with without wanting to kill them). It seems like a doable goal. I hope everyone else is enjoying their time, whatever they may be doing (break, work, school). If any of you wanted a week of extra break, I would switch with you in a heartbeat. I’m definitely ready to get back to class. Until next time!

Saturday, January 5, 2013


Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a wonderful 2012 and is looking forward to an even better year in 2013. One year closer to dying! JK. I’ve been a little off lately, especially in the evenings. Oh, well. Nothing too bad. Home continues to be boring. Christmas was fine with both sides of the family. I got drunk when my mom’s side of the family was over. They’re super conservative and stuck up, but they didn’t seem to be judging too hard. I’m such a happy, friendly drunk it’s hard to think anything bad about me I think. Sadly, that’s about all exciting that’s happened. Me and Lils had ice cream with Ex one afternoon. That was alright. Vee texted me saying that these two guys she knows and I sort of know are supposedly dating. One of them is gay, but the other one was straight or bi and closeted. The two guys were really good friends and were actually roommates last year. However, this is third hand information at best, and even if it’s true, I’m pretty sure the “straight” guy is only experimenting with a guy he’s really comfortable with. It does make me shake my head at Vee’s secret keeping abilities. She’s really bad. I’d actually guess that there’s about a 50% chance she’s told some other friends that I’m gay even though I asked her not to. Oh, well. They won’t bring it up unless I do. That’s just how they all are. And I don’t really see the people she’d have told much anyway.
                I’m so sick of break. A lot of people go back to school next week, but I don’t start until the 22nd or something. It’s because my college offers winter classes, so break has to be long enough to fit those in. I really don’t need almost three full more weeks of break. I finally started working on a puzzle, which is a good and bad thing. I love working on puzzles, but I have a horrible time tearing myself away from them. I’ll say, “I should go do something.” Next thing I know, it’s half an hour later and I’m still working. This usually repeats about 4 times before I get around to doing what I intend to. Oh, well. Better than being bored out of my mind I suppose. Anyway, I hope everyone else had a wonderful week/New Year’s Eve, and has a wonderful time until I post again.