#15

A reality: I’m socially awkward.

                So if you read my blog consistently, I’m sure you’ve noticed my rants that begin with “a reality:” tend to be kinda long, but I’m hoping this one will actually be pretty fast. We’ll see. So let’s just dive right to the heart of the matter.

                I’ve decided there are two types of socially awkward people: 1) the people that irritate everyone and can’t seem to pick up cues that people aren’t interested in what they’re saying, and 2) the people who think they irritate people or are making a fool out of themselves. I shall call them the actually awkward and the anxious awkward respectively. The actually awkward are people who just have some problem relating to people. They don’t understand that they’re stories are boring/irritating or picking up when people want to be left alone. Other people often react to these types of people in one of two ways. Sometimes, people feel sorry for the person. This is especially true when it’s obvious they have some sort of problem that actually affects their ability to interact with people. There was a kid who lived in my dorm for two years that was like this. He had some learning problems and was just incredibly awkward. I felt sorry for the kid and was willing to put up with him for brief conversations (one of those things where I figure it’s better to inconvenience myself for a bit and brighten someone else’s day, especially when the alternative is doing absolutely nothing useful with the time I spent on that person). Barry had the second reaction to this kid: he found him incredibly irritating and avoided him at all costs and could be kinda rude to him. (This always surprised me about Barry, since most of the time he was a really sweet, understanding guy.) I often have this reaction to the actually awkward, but usually to the ones who have no other obvious…defects, for lack of a better word. Examples of these include the kid Cla this summer (god we all hated him) and one of my cousins. These people often seem younger than they’re age and prattle on, and just can’t relate to people quite right. I’m a little curious if it’s a form of autism or just they’re personality. Either way, they seriously piss me off. I just stop listening to them and interrupting them. And a lot of the time, they still don’t pick up that you don’t care. They’re the ones you have to be actually nasty to to get them to leave you alone. I always feel bad after I do snap at one of them, but I just can’t take the alternative. Stupid conscience.

                The anxious awkward people are the ones who worry about what others think of them all the time. They’re the ones who sit and want to talk to someone, and will sit and try and think of something to say, and even if they do eventually think of something, won’t be able to talk to the person anyway. They’re the ones who feel like they’re imposing if they talk to a person they know while that person is with some friends. The anxious awkward don’t understand that most people are far more forgiving than they realize, and even if you make an awkward start to a conversation, the rest of the conversation with a stranger can be just fine, and the next time will be that much better. They think they are as bad as one of the actually awkward, and it makes them clam up. There are generally two reactions to this type of person. People often feel sorry for/sympathetic towards these people. They know the person is s out of their comfort zone, and they try and make things easier for them. The other reaction is that people will often assume that the awkward person is stuck up, or angry, or standoffish. This makes conversations even harder. I’ve known people who have said after they got to know someone, “I thought you were a bitch, but it turns out you were just shy!” People should maybe not jump to that conclusion so fast. Examples of people like this include St. C from this summer. He would be talking about something and then break off saying, “Sorry, I know you don’t care.” While his stories often were a little bit more long-winded than they needed to be (something I used to struggle with, until I learned to cut them down, and even just edit the facts slightly just to make it go faster so you don’t have to explain stuff), they weren’t that bad, and he was just convinced people didn’t want to listen to him. It was actually St. C and Cla this summer that made me realize this whole two types of awkward people thing, being able to compare them both side-by-side. So as I said in the very beginning, I consider myself socially awkward. I’m definitely one of the anxious awkward, not actually awkward. I’ve told Vee about my whole “two types of awkward” and she agrees I’m anxious awkward too. I’m just always worried about how to talk to people. Even if a person I know is talking to some strangers, I find it extremely hard to contribute to the conversation. If I see someone I just sort of know walking toward me on the sidewalk, often I’ll go out of my way to seem distracted or look down so I don’t have to interact with them. I know my problem. I know people are more forgiving than my anxiety is always telling me they are. I still can’t make myself get over my nervousness. I’m an extremely friendly drunk, and alcohol completely removes my inhibitions about talking to people. But even if I meet someone at a party while drunk, I’m still too awkward to talk to them when I see them sober. Vee is always telling me I just need to get out there and make some new friends (I think she’s a little irritated that basically everyone I know I’ve met through her here at college). It’s just not that easy, though. And that is why I say fuck reality. This is another one of those times that knowing my problems doesn’t make the solutions any easier. It’s still something that’s extremely difficult to work on, and I will struggle with it for years to come, if not the rest of my life. I also know many, many other people are in the same boat as me. So smile, you’re not alone.

Damn it, still over 1100 words.