Saturday, December 20, 2014

Another random update

I didn't even look how long it's been since I last posted anything on here (insert comment about how I'm sure no one reads this here). Less than a year, but definitely more than half a year I think? Anyway. So let's get to it.

I graduated last May with a triple major and highest honors. However, I was too lazy to apply to grad schools last fall and planned instead to take a year off. After getting rejected from a couple jobs and internships, I stumbled on one that was perfect. It was (is) an "internship" but it was for a full year instead of for a summer. It was designed for students who are taking a year after undergrad before going on to whatever. There is a definite skew in the lab towards medical school over grad school, but the lady who hired me has a PhD and I think she liked the idea of a young person she could give grad school advice to instead of all the pre-med students. The work is OK. It's definitely been good for me to have a full time job. It probably is a good thing for me to have done before grad school, especially this lab job. It's really shown me what it's like to do research full time. It has also shown me I do need to go on and get my degree so I can have more autonomy in choosing what I research. At the moment I have no say and I don't find what we're studying super interesting, but it's ok and I'm over halfway done as is. While it probably is good for me to be working full time, part of me is kinda mad at myself for not going right to grad school. I feel a little left behind with all my friends doing various kinds of graduate/professional schools. Most of them are still at the same college (the job is on my undergrad college; I didn't even change apartments) so I can still see them, which is nice though.
Grad school applications were due Dec 1st and I've already heard back from 3 places offering me an interview. I'm still waiting on 2 places, but I know one isn't sending out interview offers until the Monday after New Year's. That's the place I'm most likely to get rejected from I think and thus is of course the one I really want the answer from and have to wait. I have a pretty strong application though I think and should hopefully get at least an interview everywhere I applied. I really don't know where I want to go, so I'm hoping the visits/interviews will clear that up. It seems too long to wait to have another 3 months until I can decide where I'm going next fall. In the meantime while I wait to hear back from the last two places I'm just going to try and enjoy the undergrads being gone for break and no longer (until next semester) tutoring a few hours after already working a full day a couple evenings a week.

Dating/gay stuff: (and some personal stuff thrown in)
I'm still dating the same guy. We celebrated our one year at the end of February (*edit: September. No idea why I wrote Feb). We're still pretty casual how we go about things. We eat out together a lot because we're too lazy to cook, watch some stuff together, but also do our own things. I'll watch something or bum around on the internet while he plays his online multiplayer computer games. Sometimes I feel a little neglected (like tonight) since I can't even really make comments to him because he has headphones on to talk to his teammates. He's a little distant a lot of the time, though I probably can be too sometimes. We just kind of deal with it. I still find myself missing him after a few days of not seeing him and I do enjoy hanging out despite how much we see each other. If that's not a good basis for a relationship, Idk what is.
I stopped antidepressants a few months ago. The discontinuation side effects were horrid, but I'm glad I did stop them for the most part. My anxiety was acting up really really badly for a while (like constant irregular heartbeat anxiety) and the pills weren't helping that at all (it mostly went away on its own, just some random flare-ups). I have had a few down spells since stopping the pills, but that's outweighed by the biggest perk of stopping. I was still a virgin when I started the pills (besides fooling around with a guy in jr. high) so I really couldn't tell if I was having sexual side effects. I was. Stuff just straight up feels better and I don't have as much trouble finishing. I don't think I'll ever go on antidepressants again. I could try another type to see if that one didn't give me sexual side effects, but that would still involve restarting the pills first. I'm not sure which was worse, stopping or starting them. Both were unpleasant.
The boyfriend and I have opened things up a little. We've had several more threesomes this fall after going a year without doing any. We've also each fooled around with one or two guys individually without each other. Neither of us are the jealous type so it works out. I get on Grindr a lot to talk to friends, check out guys, maybe get some pics. Threesomes are a possibility from there (or I guess just me), but haven't really happened. They may in the future but who knows. There is one guy in particular we have a lot of threesomes with. He's a guy I hooked up with a while back. He's Asian, skinny, adorable, loves to cuddle and kind of lonely. He goes to school in a different town, but his parents live here, so we get together on breaks. He's in town at the moment for Winter break, and it's always fun to hang with him. He's very vocal about what he likes. Me and the bf both like him. I honestly think if he lived here some sort of threeway dating thing would happen. I'm pretty sure he likes us, which is sweet, but it would be better for him if he could find someone back at school. :/ Oh well, that's something for him to figure out. I'll be happy to hang out with him as long as he wants. Other notable threesomes include the very well endowed ripped guy I lost my virginity to, and a middle aged man with lots of cats who we found out after is HIV positive. We were safe, he has an undetectable virus load (he's had it for over 20 years and has it well under control) and we've been tested since then, but that was a little irritating he didn't tell us. He doesn't tell people because often they aren't comfortable sleeping with him. He omits it so he can get laid and doesn't let the people decide if they want the (very small) risk. Though he is very up front if you ask, so I guess it's also people's fault if they don't ask first.

That's about all I can think of to say. My life is pretty boring outside of work. I usually just sit around at home on the internet when I don't have to tutor. I should get out more, but part of that is the season. It's cold out and it's dark by the time I'm off work. So let me know if you have any questions and I'll answer them. I'll probably update again either when I make decisions about grad school or when my one year job is over in May or June. Until then, I hope everyone has a good holiday season and a good start to the new year.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Back briefly


So I just wanted to give an update on what I've been doing. I'm still dating the same guy. That makes it almost 8 months now. Things are still just continuing on how they were before pretty much. We hang out and just enjoy each others company a couple nights a week. We don't try super hard and its nice to be able to just relax around each other. He's applying for the Peace Corps so if he gets in there he'll be gone for a year or two overseas, but I'm also going to be applying for grad schools this fall and don't know where I'm going to end up about a year from now. So I'm not sure where our relationship is heading or if it will be long, long term, but we're just enjoying it for now and we'll deal with that when it comes up. I mentioned in the last post getting bored sleeping with just one guy. That's actually gotten better since then, even though we haven't set up a threesome or anything. I'm not actually sure at this point if we actually will any time soon. We'll just have to see.

I'm also officially a college graduate now. I graduated with a bunch of accomplishments and I'm generally pleased with how my undergraduate experience was. There are some things I could have done better at or more of, but I did better than a lot of people while doing harder things. I got a research job on campus that's only for a year. The position is designed for students who have just graduated and will be applying for grad schools for the next year, so it's pretty much perfect for me. I wish there was a slightly different focus to the research, but it will be good experience regardless. I still need to figure out where I'm going to apply this fall for next year, but I'm not in a huge rush yet. I just should start looking a little though. It's also nice to be staying around for a year because a lot of my friends also graduated and are going in to programs at our school, so they'll still be around to hang out with.

So generally, things are looking up. I still have a ways to go before I'm done with school and need to figure out exactly what I'm doing for the next step, but I'm sure it will all work out.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Random Post

     So I'm in a sort of agitated mood tonight. It's a little hard to describe but it's kind of a mix between frustration, boredom, and depression. Basically it makes me not want to sit down anywhere and just run around crazy. But it's cold out, or else I totally would just go for a walk. My boyfriend is hanging out at his place tonight, which he's been doing more the last week or so. Even though it probably has most to do with him working full time again, you always have that little self doubting part in the back of your mind whispering "Is he losing interest?" Some of that questioning also comes from my own urges. I know that I have mixed feelings about not having done anything sexual with anyone besides him in months. I do enjoy being close to him and being comfortable with him. But at the same time, you can't help but notice other guys when you're out and about and have the urge to sleep with them. My boyfriend would be ok with a threesome, but the friend I would like to set one up with (me and my boyfriend have had a threesome with him before, but that was before we were officially dating) works full time and it's hard to find time that works for all of us. You people probably don't want to read about my sex life, but it's my blog :P haha. I don't know if anybody (of my very few followers) is in a relationship, but any advice you could give me about relationships and dealing with these kinds of insecurities/feeling would be welcome. So yeah that's part of the reason I'm kinda fidgety tonight.
     Another reason I'm in my mood tonight is because I was arguing with my sister earlier. I'm a very logical person by nature and I can't help but change my views after arguing with someone/looking at them from a new perspective/gaining new information. It's just sort of happened as I've grown up. I don't like to admit I'm wrong, and the mulling over after the argument/self examination/learning whatever isn't really fun. So that's part of it. However, my sister used the "I'm not going to convince you, and you're not going to convince me" line during the argument. That bothers me, that my mind keeps replaying my views and "tweaking" them (a large contribution to my unsettled feelings this evening) and I have no reason to believe she's taking any notice of my views. This is a large reason why I hate arguing with people. I pretty much never have my views entirely changed, but I at least end up looking at them in a new way. However, I'm always convinced the other person isn't doing that after the argument. Of course they very may well be. I have no idea what's going on in their heads. I probably came off just as stubborn and inflexible and unreasonable in my views as they did during the argument. Which also makes me disappointed in myself, yet another source of my mood this evening. If any of you were wondering what the argument was about, I'll just say I'm a minimalist in many areas: belongings, surroundings, social views, world views, what scientific (both natural and social) research should be funded. I like things simple and not over crowded most of the time. Occasionally I do get the urge for a loud, noisy, busy place (it's rare), and those places are perfectly possible to find. It's harder to get time to yourself. If nothing else, I end up on the internet, a place just as loud and full of other people as the physical world (if not more so). That or I end up on blogs with sexy pics (damn you tumblr! lol).
     That's probably not the best, clearest, or most concise way to go over my issues for the evening, but I thing typing this has definitely helped. It's good to put my thoughts and feelings into words and work through them that way. Of course that's why I started this blog in the first place. I haven't needed it in a while, but it can still serve its purpose. Hope everyone has a good evening, week, month, or however long it is until I post again. Who know. 'Til then.