#17

A reality: I’m stressed

I have been really depressed the last week or so. I don’t know why. It’s really starting to weigh on me, being depressed so much. I need to get out and do something and forget about stuff. Except it’s not like I haven’t been having fun. Wednesday night I hung out with Vee and we talked for a long time. It cheered me up and I had a good time. Friday was a lot of fun, first with Vee and Shield (Vee’s friend from Friday), and then with Corny and Nite (the other gay guy). Part of what’s getting to me is my social anxiety. Dr. H diagnosed me with depression, rather than anxiety (though I’m pretty sure I have both). Vee tends to get sick of people, and I’m always worried and looking for signs that she wants space from me. My mind yells at me that she’s only hanging out with me because she feels sorry for me since I have so few friends besides her. I don’t logically think this is true, but I can’t get rid of the part of me that whispers that in the back of my mind. Another example of my social anxiety is my worry over Corny and Nite. I had a really good time with them and the other people that were there. However, I can’t foresee me initiating anything in the future. I can’t think of a good way to ask people to hang out. I worry that they were just being nice and I was actually a downer to hang out with. Most of these thoughts and fears hit a couple days after hanging out with new people. I have a day or so to be happy I had fun, and then my mind just takes away all the pleasure, saying it wasn’t real, it’s all in just me. I was a burden to the other people. I should never inflict them with my presence again. I don’t know why my social anxiety has gotten so much worse since I came to college. I made a couple new friends just fine freshman year. After that though, I’ve barely made any, and none near as close. My friends keep moving or drifting away, so I’m left with pretty much just Vee. I’m so sick of worrying what people think of me. Alcohol isn’t even a fool proof cure anymore, as I’ve gotten more used to drinking since my 21^st birthday. I really think being out with people more often would help my depression, but I lack the necessary number of friends to hang out with a variety of people and my anxiety isn’t letting me make any new ones.

Another part of what’s getting to me is the vast amount of free time I have. I have little to do and I’m completely bored on the internet. Despite that, I still find myself unable to do the little amount of work I do have. It makes me disgusted with myself and I really don’t need any more self-hate right now. The counselor I saw very briefly said I really need to learn to like myself more, but it’s hard. A large part of my social anxiety may be caused by my own dislike- if I don’t like me, why would I think other people would. Or perhaps my social anxiety is causing some of my self-dislike- I don’t think other people like me, therefore I must be a worthless, irritating person.

Yet another part is the whole gay thing. Part of it is I’m sick of checking out guys constantly just walking down the sidewalk. It’s natural, every guy does it (just with girls mostly), but I find it irritating. I want to stop. I just don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to deal with it. I think part of the reason I don’t want to deal with it is because I hate the ideas of what-ifs. Which also brings me to another thing that’s bothering me: all the gay guys I’ve met lately. Most of them sleep around a ton, are complete wrecks, and just aren’t that fun to be around. However, I’m still attracted to them. More so just because they’re gay. If a guy is gay, I’m instantly more interested in him than I would be if he were a straight guy. It’s because the possibility of sleeping with them actually exists. I tried fooling around with Josh last semester. I wasn’t nervous at all, probably partially because I’d done stuff with Ler (I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned him before, and if I did, what I called him) years ago. Josh commented that I didn’t act like it was my first time. People say your first time isn’t really as much fun, just because you’re nervous, awkward, and uncomfortable with the person. Josh was just a random guy, and the stuff with Ler was different. I should have been all those things. But I wasn’t. And even though I wasn’t out of my comfort zone, it wasn’t that much fun. It was kind of hot. It sort of felt good. But that was it. It was barely better than jacking off. And I don’t think it was that Josh didn’t know what he was doing. I just really don’t find fooling around with a random person that much fun. I want to like the person first. Josh was very nice. We talked for an hour or so both of the times we met up, but I just didn’t feel a connection to him. He just didn’t have a personality I would be good friends with. I don’t know how all these other gay guys can constantly sleep with different people. Don’t get me wrong, I see the urge. It’s biological. The urge to sleep with as many different people as possible, to try them all. I feel that, and it gets hard to ignore sometimes (hence Josh). However, I don’t think sleeping around a bunch would make me feel better in the long run. It would get rid of my immediate desires, but so does jacking off.

Going back, I truly hate what-ifs. What if I had slept with him and we hit it off? What if I talked to that guy and it turned out he was gay? So seeing all these random guys on the street give me one kind of problem. First, I have to fight and suppress my (biological/impossible/irritating) desire to sleep with all the hot guys I see. Second, I have to deal with the impossible what-ifs. Nothing would have ever happened. But what if it had? The gay guys I’ve met are a slightly different sort of stress inducer. They’re even harder to suppress my desire to sleep with. This is especially bad when I’m drunk. I’ve learned I can’t be drunk around gay guys unless there’s someone I don’t want to come out to around (then I can keep my mouth shut). Otherwise, I tend to get a little suggestive. Luckily, nothing’s ever come of my drunken comments. However, the possible what-ifs are even worse than the impossible ones. It’s harder to just say, “Fine, I’m never going to sleep with that guy. That’s a good thing.” My imaginings of other gay guys always involve a relationship. I can’t envision/fantasize about sleeping with someone without some sort of exclusivity either preceding or resulting (though, as I found with Josh I can do it in real life). And that’s just not what a lot of gay guys want. They can sleep with whoever they want: it’s none of my business who they sleep with, and if they have fun, good for them. I like hearing their stories about stuff like that. But it’s not for me. That’s another stress that comes from meeting gay guys. I don’t want to end up like most of them: in their own little gay world. Yeah, I want gay friends, but I want normal gay friends who can have a group of straight/bi/transgender/whatever people and not have it be about anything other than that those people are fun to hang out with. Who wants to only talk to people similar to you? Yes, it’s good to find someone you can relate to and share experiences, but it’s also good to be able to learn new things. Your personalities have to get along, but they don’t have to match. That’s part of the reason I had so much fun hanging out with Corny and Nite on Friday. Yes, they’re gay. But they both act normal, and there were plenty of other “normal” (in quotes because a lot of people think the bar we were at has a weird vibe and don’t like it. I personally loved it) people there that were also fun to talk to. Those two guys, they talked about how they rejected a lot of gay stereotypes. A lot of Vee’s friends embrace them. They can embrace them, good for them. Live how they want. But it’s not for me, and I find it difficult to relate to people who do act like that.

Basically, I have to conclude that being gay is a stress in my life. Almost more so, now that I’m starting to come out and get more in touch with my gay side and other gay guys. It was really actually easier to repress it. But it wouldn’t be easier to go back to repressing it. I just have to hope I find a way to deal with all the stresses of being gay, depression, and social anxiety, or else I’m either going to have a miserable life or a short one. Oh, well. Fuck reality.

I really didn’t mean to write this much. I started this as just a little thing I was going to write for myself and never publish. Just a way to try to deal with a little of my depression by expressing it. I’m still kinda hesitant about posting this. Two big reasons stand out: One of the people I mentioned in this reads this blog, and this is also a very personal post. It’s been a while since I’ve written trying to get so many problems out at once. I think that may be to my detriment, since self-reflection is a good thing. I am going to post this, however. Maybe someone who stumbles across my blog feels something similar. Maybe they will feel better that they’re not the only person who questions themselves and others like this or struggles with depression and anxiety. I think this is a good post to get off my chest. Hope it’s not too depressing for you. It’s also been a really long time since I’ve done a “fuck reality” post. I guess one was due-ish, even if I didn’t sit down intending to write one. Anyway, I hope everyone has a good week! I actually do feel kinda better after writing this.