Sunday, February 10, 2013


                So once again, it’s been about two weeks since I posted. My last post was written when my depression/anxiety was acting up, and writing about it really helped me a lot. I pretty much got over being depressed for the rest of that week. I can’t think of anything exciting that really happened the first week since my last post. School was pretty straight-forward and I don’t think I did anything that weekend. This last week was more interesting. I hung out with Corny on Monday night. We talked for a while and then ended up fooling around. It was fun. I honestly enjoyed the talking more than the fooling around. I really am kinda starved for human interaction sometimes. For some reason, my depression decided to kick in in the middle of the week. It wasn’t super bad. When I’m only moderately depressed, I’m a huge downer to talk to (lots about death and doom) but I’m not truly suicidal. Days when I’m really depressed and think about suicide (I really more have “thoughts of suicide” than being truly suicidal. I think of ways to kill myself and about death a lot, but I don’t actually intend to go through with it) I just withdraw from the world. I don’t want to talk, all I want to do is be by myself or sleep to forget everything. So if I’m talking and being super depressing, that’s actually a good sign, since then I’m not at my worst. That’s important because Corny and I went out for drinks Thursday. I was still slightly depressed and even though I only had about 3 drinks, I got a little buzzed/tipsy and then I was alternating between having a good time and being very morbid in our conversation. It certainly taught me a lesson about drinking when I’m even slightly depressed. I feel bad for Corny, because I definitely was not a fun person to hang around that night. I’ve been told I can be kinda scary when my issues start acting up like that. I got sick of my emotions bouncing back and forth like they were, so I took some of my tranquilizers and went home and to bed.
                The next day (Friday), I had an appointment with Dr. H. I told her I’d been pretty good since I’d last seen her except for the couple days of moderate depression during the week. She said she’s keeping the idea of screwing with my prescriptions (either up the dose or add a second, like a mood-stabilizer) in the back of her mind and keep her updated about my ups and downs. I’m still having more ups than downs, though, which is nice. So that night I texted Anneh, Vee, and another friend trying to find something to do. They were all busy or out of town, so I was resigned to a night in, but then Nite texted me. I ended up stopping by one bar where Vee was to wish Bat a happy birthday (he turned 21 on Wednesday) and then met up with Nite. I had one drink with Bat, but I’d also hopped myself up on caffeine for the evening. I didn’t end up having any drinks in the bar with Nite. The second bar was a lot of fun. I talked to Nite and this other kid (who actually has the same name and major as me) for hours, and then with Nite and his housemates for a bit. I ended up going back to Nite’s place with him and spent the night. We didn’t go all the way (he was pretty drunk) but we did sleep in the same bed. He gave me a ride home the next morning. I had a lot of fun. Just everything that night in general. It was really nice to know I could be friendly, talk to people, and enjoy myself in a bar without drinking. Of course later in the day on Saturday, my anxiety started acting up, telling me I’d made a fool of myself. It’s still whispering in the back of my mind, but I really hope I get to hang out with Nite again. Between my anxiety and being a little short on sleep, I didn’t feel like doing anything Saturday night, even though Corny invited me somewhere. It is really nice to be invited somewhere. Even if I don’t take them up on it, people asking me to hang out really helps with my anxiety/depression.
                So this is long enough. There is some stuff I could talk about with Vee, but I’ll just summarize and say that I think we’re both a little on each other’s nerves (I especially think this after she had a mini snap at me Saturday). So I guess it’s time to avoid her for a little bit. Sometimes we need our space from each other, but we always start talking again in the end. I hope everyone else is having a good week and has a good Valentine’s Day. Until next time.

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