#9

A Reality: I’ve still forgotten my dreams.

     So as I discussed very briefly in a previous post, in the past couple months it’s really hit me that I’ve lost anything resembling a dream, goal, hope, or belief. In elementary and high school they always had little things where they made you write down where you see yourself in one year, or ten years, or whenever. They’d have you write down a goal you had that you could actively work toward. I always thought those things were a waste of time. And honestly they were. They did nothing for me. I knew what I wanted to do back then and I didn’t need to be forced to write things down when it accomplished nothing (I have a couple of issues with people forcing me to do things I either really don’t want to do or I don’t see the point in). I’m not even sure something like that would help me now, since you can’t really make up a goal and stick with it right on the spot. Believe me, if I could, I would have done it weeks ago. But, alas, one cannot force the heart to feel (is that from something (possibly very badly paraphrased) or did I make that up?), and so I can’t really force myself to genuinely care about something. And I refuse to just go through the motions, pretending to care about something. That would make me a giant hypocrite since I often criticize people who do exactly that (cough cough pre-med students who volunteer just to look good cough). As I may or may not have said in my previous post about goals, I’ve never appreciated how important goals are in your life, how important they are to giving meaning and direction in your daily activities.

     So as I mentioned in my previous post(s), Vee really brought all this to my attention. I knew I’d been super neurotic and apathetic lately, though I hadn’t connected it to being a result of losing my goals/direction in life. Me and Vee went out for lunch and were talking (it was one of more serious, less hate-filled conversations) and during it I came to the realization that I really had lost all sense of purpose. That was why I was so unmotivated to get things done (like homework and studying) and was being more down and depressing than normal (I’m usually slightly cynical anyway, but this semester took it to a whole new level). It was a very eye-opening conversation and I’m very grateful to have had it. However, people who have never been in my situation can’t really have an appreciation for it. Vee’s response illustrates this. She seemed to think I was just being a whiny, lazy, spoiled American who didn’t want to do anything to help himself fix a very solvable problem. She said I just needed a project. Her suggestion was volunteering somewhere, the logic being that if I was having trouble finding my own things to work toward, I should try working to help others. Now, I agree completely that living to help others is a very admirable quality. But as I said earlier, I won’t do something I don't genuinely care about. I don’t want to be one of those shallow people doing something for the wrong reasons (like helping others only to help myself (I want to help them because I want to help them)) and it would be extremely hypocritical if I did. So basically I’m still open to that approach, but I’m waiting to try it until I find some volunteer organization or charity project I can really become passionate about. That’s really easier said than done. Vee has it easy. She helps out with Habitat for Humanity back at college. It’s something she definitely genuinely cares about since her family was helped by that organization when they first came over to America. She sees it as her way to give back and help others now that she is in a position to do so. I don’t have anything like that, though. One thing I think does sound interesting is going to a nursing home and talking to some of the (preferably non-completely-senile/dementia-suffering) patients who are lonely there. However, I don’t know anybody in a nursing home, and I think it would be kinda creepy to just start sitting in there talking to random people by myself. Plus I’m really shy (something I’ll probably talk about in a future post) so I’m not really good at just starting conversations with random people. I never know what to say or ask.

     I guess it’s fair to say I have a couple small goals in my life still. I still try to get good grades (perhaps slightly unhealthily so) and such in school, but even that wasn’t motivating me during the semester. Some of my grades were quite close at the end. I almost wish I hadn’t done as well as I did this semester, because the last thing I need is any sort of reward for my incredibly lazy study habits this semester. The problem is, trying to make myself do well in school isn’t enough. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with myself after wards. I probably won’t get a job right out of college, but instead do some sort of grad school or professional school. But I can’t for the life of me get any sort of inkling what kind of career I want to pursue, and it makes it really hard to stay motivated and work towards something in your undergrad years when you don’t even know for certain what subject area you’re going to end up in. I have it narrowed down to two, and I’m getting a double major (it’ll take me four and a half years to do it which is really sad since I’m only going into my third year and already have enough credits to be considered a senior). I used to have all these career ideas, and I suppose I still do to an extent. They’ve lost most of their appeal, though. I can’t see myself being happy with any of them for my entire life. Basically what happened by about a third of the way through last semester is I was just trying to get through to the end of the year so I could relax and collect myself/figure myself out over summer vacation. I felt wonderful and carefree when I was home over spring break. Talking with my parents and getting away from school really put my mind at ease. The same sort of thing happened the first week or so of summer vacation.  But now I’m halfway through my second week and I’m finding myself start to slip back into apathy, laziness, and a deep lack of direction. I had plans to help myself over break before my summer classes start (another two and a half weeks), but I’m finding myself too unmotivated to accomplish anything. I haven’t done stuff necessary to prepare for my summer classes. I haven’t sorted through my stuff from last semester so I can get my room more organized and less cluttered. I haven’t been getting out and exercising. I’ve been blaming the weather for not exercising (it’s been a very windy spring so far), but the truth is I’m not making as much of an effort as I could be. Pretty much, summer is not instilling the sense of purpose and accomplishment I had hoped it would before my summer classes. I hope I can do OK in my classes if I’m still like this when they start since they’re going to be pretty intense I think. I’m just waiting for something to change. I can’t keep going on like this forever. Doing nothing and having no direction is surprisingly draining. All I can do is hope I can find a way to help myself soon, before something truly bad/permanent comes about from this listlessness. And that is why I say fuck reality. Fuck my current lack of control over my life’s direction.