#10

A Reality: I’m scared.

     I’m scared of many things. OK, not really, but a couple things truly terrify me. And the ones that do are pretty much completely irrational (like a zombie apocalypse). I keep them under control pretty well for the most part, but one I’ve been doing well with for about a year and a half has been stirring lately. Two summers ago, it pretty much took over my life and completely fucked me up. I got ahold of it in late fall that year, but it’s been slipping through a little the last couple weeks. I don’t want to say what it actually is because 1) I don’t want to think about any detail of it for fear of making it worse and 2) most people think it’s kind of silly and think I’m odd for freaking out because of it. I’m really good at hiding these fears. That summer I was basically incapacitated and able to think of little else, but no one had any idea. In fact, I’ve only ever told one person about it in detail (in person at least, this blog is telling anybody who reads it): the psychiatrist I mentioned a couple posts ago. I’ve only met with her once, and won’t be able to meet with her again until next fall since she works for Student Health at my university (my summer classes are at another college). I freaking love her though. I’ll call her Dr. H.

     There’s kinda a stereotype of psychiatrists just throwing drugs at a problem to fix it, but I don’t think Dr. H. is like that really. I’ve been to a psychologist once and he did less to figure out what was wrong with me than Dr. H. did. She didn’t just try to give me a prescription to see if it helped any. She first tried to figure out WHY she should give me a prescription, what she was trying to treat/accomplish by giving me drugs. I knew when I went to see her I had some sort of depression, but after talking she said the depression was probably due at least partially to some rather severe anxiety (like maybe always feeling pressured to do well in school, or worrying about my future/lack of direction). Dr. H. said my anxiety was “smoldering” at the moment, and she was worried it could erupt back into something like two summers ago. I told my parents that she thought I had anxiety but I didn’t tell them why. They already knew about the depression, so that’s why I saw the psychologist, the one who was completely unhelpful. As you, the nonexistent reader, may or may not know, many of the same drugs can be used to treat both anxiety and depression. So Dr. H. did say she would sort of like me to start on a prescription (my family and someone from the university wanted me to be on drugs like no other) but wasn’t pressuring me and in fact was a little hesitant herself. The problem was, she couldn’t follow up since I met with her about two days before I left for home and you can’t really know what kind of side effects you’ll see until you’ve taken the antidepressants for a couple weeks. I told her my parents had set up appointments with someone back home since I thought the psychologist was going to be a psychiatrist who could write me prescriptions. However, he can’t , so I missed my chance to start medication before next fall unless it’s an emergency. I’ve been slightly down the last day or two, and I’m praying it’s not a sign of worse to come. My summer classes are all the way on the east coast, so if depression/anxiety flares up there I’m basically fucked. I’m worried that’s what’s going to happen.

     However, none of this stuff so far is what I meant when I said “I’m scared” at the beginning of this post. What I meant by that is I’m scared to take antidepressants. One doctor once told me a giant proportion of people my age are actually on antidepressants. He said it was normal and nothing to worry about starting. However, as I told Dr. H., our brain is all we are. All people are is thoughts, and every single one of them is contained within a person’s brain. Basically, I believe if you fuck with your brain, you fuck with your very self. You fuck with who you are (that’s part of the reason I try not to drink very much, or even use caffeine much). I’m not going to use drugs to start changing things in my very brain without some serious thought first. I may still end up doing it, but I’m most certainly not going to rush it. Dr. H. said antidepressants don’t do anything really extreme to your thoughts and behavior. She said it’s more like giving yourself some insulation, keeping you from extremes of emotion. You still feel stuff, but it’s not going to be extreme enough to fuck up your life. However, even if the antidepressants do what they’re supposed to, there’re also a lot of side-effects that are possible with them, and they scare me a lot too. They can be minor, like a little more drowsiness (though that would be bad for when I’m in class), bruising easier, oddly vivid dreams, or weight gain (I really don’t want any of these, though everyone tells me I can afford the weight if I would gain it). The effects can be severe too, like getting random little suicidal thoughts that Dr. H. said can be really scary. You generally stop treatment immediately if you get the suicidal thoughts, but stopping the drugs right away can be really nasty too. Like, permanent effects if it’s bad enough. Forgive me if I’m not going to take drugs with so many possible side effects without being certain they’d help. There're some sexual possible side effects too, though I'm not too worried about those since I'm still a virgin and that's not looking to change any time soon (I haven't been in a relationship in years). It really would be nice to get some of my motivation back (treat depression) or not be so worried/paranoid bad things are going to happen (treat anxiety). But a lot of people are pressuring me to take them, like my family and some people back at school. I’m not going to take these drugs just to shut them up. They’re not the ones who have to live with the results, so frankly, I think they have exactly no say in my decision at all. But I also worry that my stubbornness is also leading me to reject taking antidepressants as much as my worry about side effects and such. Am I just trying to prove they have no control over me? I’d like to think I’m over my pointlessly rebellious teenager phase (especially since I’ll be 21 in less than three months), but the truth is that I’m not completely. If anyone who happens to read this has any experience at all with this sort of thing, I’d love to hear from you about this. Am I freaking out needlessly over taking the pills? Is there another effective way to treat this stuff without drugs? Should I give a therapist/psychologist another try (my school does offer counseling)? Oh, well. I’m just grateful that this isn’t something I have to decide until next fall. I don’t need to decide now, so there’s no point in worrying about it. It still kinda sucks I have to make this decision at all, though. Fuck reality.