#8

A Reality: Vee doesn’t respect me.

    So Vee and I are very different people. I think I said before one of the few things that we have in common is that we get sick of people easily. Other than that, there’s few important things agree on. One thing we can agree on is that I’m shy, incredibly awkward around people I’ve just met, and just generally don’t make friends that easily. The problem is that she and I have very different views on how to change that. I prefer to meet just one or two people in class and gradually get to know them over the semester and do stuff after I get comfortable around them. Of course that obviously hasn’t been working too well for me since I’m basically down to Barry and Vee at college. Barry is gone for next fall (he’s graduating) and Vee is living in an apartment instead of the dorms. We still have one class together, so we will see each other, but I don’t think we’ll hang out much at all. I think that the main reason we hung out so much this year is because many of our friends no longer live in the dorms so it was just more convenient to go down the hall (or stairs) and see each other. So I’m really going to have to make an effort next fall to find some new people. Vee’s idea for making friends is to go to parties. “You have to go where the people are,” she says. “You’re not social enough.” Well, the thing is, parties really aren’t my thing. I latch on to any person I know willing to talk with me. I don’t talk to new people and if people I do know want to talk to new people instead of me, I end up sitting off to the side, feel depressed, and eventually wander off on my own without telling people. This doesn’t even have to be at a party. I’ve done it in a small group of people where I knew two of the four and it was a super casual setting. Alcohol does make me super friendly and outgoing, but I still tend to stick with people I know. And even if I do talk to someone I don’t know well and open up to them when I’m drunk, I’m always to awkward to keep the bond going when I’m sober. Vee knows all this. She’s seen this on several occasions, but she just doesn’t accept that the party scene isn’t for me. Plus a psychiatrist I talked to recently said I shouldn’t drink any more anyway since that can aggravate problems, so that’s out, too. Which is sad since my 21^st is in a couple months (right at the beginning of fall semester.)

     So what’s wrong with Vee? She occasionally will snap and bitch at me for being moody and usually saying “I’m not in the mood to see people tonight” when she invites me somewhere. She says that I need to make an effort and take advantage of the opportunity when it presents itself if I want to meet new people, but the thing is, I don’t do that at parties (see previous paragraph). It doesn’t work like that. Vee will just rip into my character uninvited and criticize a number of things she sees as flaws when she’s like this. It’s only happened a couple of times, but it’s kinda hurtful when she does. Am I just supposed to wish myself different? I don’t think it works like that. She ripped into me on the day of my last post saying I’d lost all dreams, goals, beliefs, and motivations. Which is perfectly true. I have lost all those this semester. But then she says I need to just find a new one-of-the-above. Oh, yes. It’s just that simple. I’ll just pick a something to give me meaning and direction in life. If it was that easy, I wouldn’t have lost those things in the first place. Basically, she thinks I’m a little pussy who’s not doing anything to fix my problems. I really don’t think she can empathize very well with people. I can see her point of view, but, again, these aren’t little habits to change. This is my personality, who I am. Vee sees me as willful, weak, and stubborn. Again, true to a point, but not the level she seems to think. My refusal to go to parties is because I know they usually leave me feeling down. Why put myself in that situation, what will it accomplish? I really need to find different people to hang out with next year (maybe I’ll spend more time with my friend Jenna. She’s really into exercise, so it might be a good thing.), but it’s sad that I have a friend who thinks so little of me. It’s also sad I keep hanging out with her anyway. Oh, well. Fuck reality.

     On a positive note, I got through finals week and I am now back home for a couple of weeks before summer classes start. Things are a little odd here at home. My parents are being both more supportive than usual and less trusting of me being out doing things. I know why that is, though I don’t want to talk about it yet. There’s kinda a hint earlier in this. If you really want to know, my non-existent reader, ask me. Maybe I’ll make it a post later. Or maybe I will anyway. Again, this blog is really more for me. Though any feedback people want to give is welcome. I really hope I’m not coming off as a little bitch in this blog. I’m really more of a depressing cynic who prefers to keep things to myself than a bitch. Of course, everyone needs to let stuff out eventually. And this is my outlet. We’ll see if it helps. Also, I don’t have a personal internet connection while I’m home so I have to use the family computer to put posts on my blog. I’m going to write them on my laptop (like this one) and then transfer them over. So they may not be posted right on the day they were written, or there may be a couple posted in one day even though they were written a little spread out. We’ll see how it ends up. That’s a problem for future me. Until later, my non-existent audience (imagine a top hat being tipped jauntily).