12-23-2012

                Happy Christmas Eve Eve. I have no idea when this will actually get posted, but I’m writing it on the 23^rd. I’ve been home for just over a week and nothing super exciting has happened. Obviously the world didn’t end on Friday. Finals week went fine. I didn’t stay super on top of my studying, mostly doing it the night before each test. I had four tests. They all went alright. I must have kicked ass on one of them, because I ended up with the highest grade in that class. My grades weren’t as good as past semesters since I was dealing with the whole depression/extreme procrastination, but they were perfectly respectable. I’m just super lucky, being really smart and everything just working out in my favor. Barry was in town on Thursday of finals week to take care of some stuff since he was graduating that Saturday. We went out to eat and talked and he spent the night in my room. I sort of came out to him, but we didn’t really talk about it, so he’s still a little in the dark about stuff. I knew he’d be OK with it, though, since his roommate the year I met him was bi. I was a little sad I couldn’t drink that Thursday night, since I had a test on Friday as well as an appointment with Dr. H and then I left right after my test. All my friends were done on Thursday so they were out together on that night. Oh, well. It was fun seeing Barry. I wish my mom had come to pick up me and Lils on Saturday so I could have had a night to screw around with Vee and Anneh and them Friday night.

                Home hasn’t been too exciting. I haven’t been able to hang out with high school friends yet. I did run into one friend while she was at work, so we got to talk a little bit. I’m hanging out with her and a group of other people next week sometime. I’ve read three books, watched a bunch of movies. I went to a couple movies in the theater with Mum and Lils. One of them was the Hobbit. It was alright, but I’m more a fan of the book. Mostly I’ve been sitting at home. We have way too many holiday snacks in the house, so I’m eating and sleeping way too much. My older sister is driving home tonight, so she should be home in a couple hours. I went to the mall with my dad when he was trying to find a gift for Mum. I saw a couple people I hadn’t seen in years walking around there, though none I knew enough to say hello (except my aunt and my cousin. Of course we talked to them.) One of the guys I saw got really hot. He’d always been sort of cute, but wow. It must have been a lot longer since I’d seen him than I realized, because he’d definitely grown. But as I could have predicted, nothing has really been happening with guys here at home. I’m really limited in internet privacy, so I can’t chat to any guys online, and since I’m in the house most of the day, I don’t even get to check out guys walking around. It makes it easier to forget about the whole gay thing. I’ve also noticed, however, that I’m less content here at home. It seems more restrictive. I’m thinking more about coming out to my parents. It’s still not going to be something I’m going to do in the immediate future, but it’s looking like it might happen a lot sooner than I would have thought if you’d have asked me a couple of months ago. I’ll just have to wait and see what happens. Anyway, I hope everyone has a good Christmas. It’s actually going to be a semi-white Christmas where I am (it snowed last Wednesday) if it doesn’t warm up in the next couple of days (our first white Christmas in a couple years. It usually waits until January to snow much).

Happy 12-12-12

Yep, that's pretty much it. I just wanted to say that since I just noticed that that was today. I love when numbers match up. Like when the DVD player says 1:23:45. Done with two of my finals, only two more to go!

12-8-12

So, not a super exciting week. It was the last week of classes and finals are next week. I haven’t been up to a lot. Josh randomly texted me earlier in the week, but nothing ended up happening out of that. I saw Jorge in the eating hall randomly. I thought that was weird because he’d told me that he’d never eaten in that eating hall in all his four years at college. I’m kinda confused why he’d just randomly decided to try it this week. I ate with my sisters Tuesday night and Vee last (Friday) night. I got a little tipsy with Vee since she was driving. I sobered up pretty quickly and hung out with her until she left to go to a party with one of her other friends. I wasn’t feeling drinking more and I’m not good at parties, so I decided to just go to bed. So yeah, that’s about it. Nothing really exciting happened at all. I haven’t met any guys, and it’s almost break. I’m definitely not going to meet anyone back home so I’m kinda getting ready to put everything on pause. I don’t know if I’ll get another post posted before I go home next Friday. As always when I’m at home, it’s a little random when I can post things, and it might not be when I write them (hooray greatly reduced internet access. Oh well. It’s kinda nice to have a forced reduction in computer time.) So yeah, that’s my life. I’m sick of the Christmas season already. Joy. Anyway, I hope everyone has a good week.

Also here’s a quote I heard the other day that I thought was hilarious:

“I'm in an abusive relationship with life. It keeps beating the hell out of me, and I'm too cowardly to leave it” – Homer Simpson

12-01-12

                Happy first of December! Thanksgiving break was pretty good. I didn’t get any homework done during it, but I did see some friends from high school. On Saturday I saw Ex for lunch with her and Lils. I went out for drinks that evening with one of my good friends from high school. He’d just turned 21 the week before. His license was expired by a week, so for some reason the bars wouldn’t accept it as proof of his identity. We ended up wandering around town drinking random places after stopping by a liquor store. Lils went to a movie with one of her friends that night. She drove me and my friend home that night after she was done with her friend. I was pretty hung over the next morning and puked a bunch. I told my parents I had some new scars and I had started meds. I got some creams from a dermatologist for some of my scars. I had lunch with a group of random friends/semi-friends on Wednesday. They were talking about some people from our class getting engaged. The friend I drank with on Saturday had actually gotten married this summer. Ex (who’s good friends with his wife) had been forbidden from telling me, and he had assumed Ex had told me. I don’t think they got married for the right reasons (financial convenience) and my friend’s parents don’t have a great record with long-lasting marriages. My friend did seem to be enjoying saying “my wife.” I do hope everything works out for him. Thanksgiving itself wasn’t too exciting on either side of the family. I came back to Iowa City on that Sunday. I had a quiz Tuesday. I didn’t get my paper that was due Friday even started, so that’s going to be turned in late on Monday. Vee and I went shopping on Friday evening. I got some clothes a lot different than I normally wear. I kind of spent a lot of money. Oh, well, the extra from my scholarships with cover it. I’m just kinda trying something new with myself. That’s kind of my solution to everything: Try something new. I like trying new things. Even if I don’t like the thing itself, it’s still and adventure trying it.

                I saw Jorge on Tuesday walking to class. I just kept my head down, so it wasn’t that awkward (for me at least), but now I’ve been thinking about Jorge all week. I really did like him. It’s been a month since we stopped talking, and I’ve over-thought everything that happened. I’m more confused about the whole situation than ever. As I’ve said before, even if Jorge and I didn’t end up getting together that way, it would have been nice having a masculine, closeted gay friend. Vee has a lot of gay friends, but I find most of them irritating. I wish I could just talk to Jorge again, see if things maybe could be smoothed over. I still haven’t found any guys on the website that I met Jorge on that are as much fun to talk to as he was. They’re all either all about sex, or they just aren’t interesting conversation. I really don’t know why I can’t get over Jorge, though. We didn’t talk that long, and I honestly don’t know that we would have been any good together. I think it’s because the way we stopped talking was just abrupt and gave no closure. I just hate being irrational like this. But like my counselor said, you can’t think away your feelings or ignore them. You just have to learn to feel them and manage them. Something I’m not very good at. He said my some of my depression might be from bottling up a lot of feelings I don’t want to feel. Which is something I do. Something to work on.

                I haven’t seen or done anything with Josh either, so my entire “gay” life is on hold right now. We only have a week left of class and then a week of finals, and then I’m home for a month. It’s REALLY unlikely anything with any guys will happen while I’m home, and I don’t think anything’s going to happen before finals, so looks like I’m back in limbo for a month or two. I really do wish I could find a real relationship. But it’s really hard to find a gay guy I find attractive more than physically. The ones on this one actual dating (as opposed to hookup) site that sound like what I’m looking for are never in my area. All I can find is guys who want hookups. Like this guy earlier today. I was trying to turn him down politely and suggested he should find someone who would be better prepared for a hookup today. He was like “But I want you!” I replied “I’m flattered, but you don’t even know me.” He was so confused by that. He didn’t see what that had to do with hooking up with someone. I really see no hope for my future like this. Seriously, it’s just a bunch of people all about sex. Sex, sex, sex. I’m sick of it already. It would be easier to just immerse myself. However, I don’t want to. I think this is why there’s this stereotype of the newly out guy swearing he won’t be a slut. He’s forced to become one if he wants any sort of intimate interaction with other gay guys. It’s a slippery slope, and I’m going to try my best not to fall down. I probably will, though. Not gracefully, though. Kicking, clawing, and cursing myself all the way.

                This is more of a whiny/bitchy post than most of my recent ones. Oh, well. I have to get it out somehow. Plus I’m slightly depressed tonight. Hooray.

                Anyway, I hope you all have a good weekend.