6-23-12

So I guess summer has officially begun. Today is Saturday, and I don’t actually know what day stuff was. Yahoo was claiming the solstice was Wednesday (6-20), but Google’s homepage didn’t have anything special that day. I thought the official first day of summer was today, but Google’s banner is something else (some dude’s birthday). I don’t know if it was in the last couple days or what, but oh well. If I actually cared, I’d look it up on a calendar. So my motivation is continuing to get worse for this program. I’m procrastinating terribly, and really not being as studious as I should be. A perfect example of this is the fact that I drank on Monday night. I got slightly buzzed (I wasn’t drunk since people could get words in edgewise- I’m a really talkative drunk), and really made my homework a lot more difficult than it should be (I had to do it early the next morning). I also sort of drank last night (I got an even lesser amount of buzzed than Monday) and now some of the kids think I’m an alcoholic. This isn’t helped by the fact that I used the drinking lie to explain my scars (drunken bet, the same story I told one of the doctors), so they think I get fucked up really bad and do horrible shit all the time or something. I didn’t get really drunk either night, and even if I do count them, I’ve only been drunk like 13 times in my life. Really not bad at all. I’m still concerned where I’m heading though, with my drinking two nights in one week. My depression and lack of motivation came back after only one week. I’m having the not-actually-going-to-kill-myself-but-still-consttantly-thinking-of-suicide thing lately, and it gets really draining really fast. I’ve been having urges to hurt myself like I did this spring, and I’m really kinda regretting not starting meds like Dr. H. wanted while I had the chance. One good thing, however, is that I texted Vee I was drinking Monday, and she got really concerned that I was drinking by myself. She’s heard me talk about maybe becoming an alcoholic later in life, and she actually does get concerned for me. “You know I don’t like it when you talk like that.” I really don’t think she cares about me that much most of the time, but every once in a while she proves me wrong. Now if only I could say I cared as much about what she does. I’m kinda a terrible person. But she does sort of have reason to be concerned. I know a lot of it’s the depression talking, but I really can’t see myself having a happy successful life. What I picture is me in a crappy, unskilled job, alone, and drinking every night just to keep from killing myself. Hopefully that won’t actually happen. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that next week is better. We get a new professor every week in our program thing, and I really didn’t like this week’s (he was actually the program director). So maybe we’ll have a good one next week and that will help things. In the meantime, I need to write two lab reports this weekend, so hopefully I won’t procrastinate too much and I’ll actually get one done today.

            So what happened last night with the drinking? A bunch of us were going to go to the beach again, but it clouded up and started raining off and on throughout the rest of the night. So instead, a bunch of us decided to go bowling (Jul, Jam, Ama, Ant, Sco, Da, the TA’s Je and Cor and two of the German kids in the class Ale and Car). The alley had black lights and technoey music with the bass turned up insanely high. I recognized several of the songs from riding with Vee in her car, and I think she would have loved it. We played three games. The first two I sucked at, but the last one I actually did pretty good at (for me). That’s how bowling is for me, though. Suck and then decent. Anyway, the guys had been drinking a little beforehand and that’s why I drank last night. My buzz pretty much went away while we were bowling, which was kinda sad. I sort of wanted to get legitimately drunk last night. After we paid (I’m kinda sick of this area, everything’s more expensive than back home), we went to the second half of our plans for the evening: karaoke (hence my wanting to be drunk). We had to sit around for an hour and a half before it started, during which the last of my buzz faded. All but two of us were 21 (me and Jul) and at first no one really wanted to order us drinks. By the time they were trying to get me to drink, I didn’t want to because I didn’t think we’d actually stay that long, and I didn’t want the alcohol to just be hitting me after we left. That would defeat the purpose of drinking that night really. So I didn’t actually drink there at all. Once karaoke finally started, I think everyone sang at least once except Cor. I sang twice: once by myself (Peace of Mind) and once with Car (Time Warp). It went a lot better when I sang with Car, but it was still fun. Some of the people in our group were really pretty good (Car, Sco, Je), and there were some people who were apparently regulars that were outright amazing. It was fun for a while, but then it began getting too crowded to get to sing much and too loud to talk. Everyone else tried to talk anyway, but I have trouble hearing over other noises (I suspect my ears aren’t that great, and as loud as both places were, they’re not going to be improving any time soon), so I didn’t talk. I just sat at one end of the table and listened to the singers, watching the lyrics on a TV. I could tell people thought I was being antisocial and a downer, but they were all feeling it, it was too late for me to start drinking (I was thoroughly sober by that point), I couldn’t hear, and I was pretty tired by that point. I really just wanted to go back to bed, but I couldn’t leave without everyone else. Finally everyone got a Long Island iced tea except me and the driver (Cor) and I was accused once again of being a downer. Then everyone paid (another reason I was glad I didn’t drink: it was super expensive) and we left. On the ride back, Ant especially was drunk and some of the people were really irritating. I went straight to bed. All in all, the evening started out pretty fun, but it didn’t end soon enough and I ended up with a reputation as a downer because of it. If we hadn’t stayed at karaoke so late, the people wouldn’t think I’m a downer. Though I suppose I should be glad it went as well as it did. I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about how bad I am at parties before. That was basically the last hour or two, me being antisocial. Before that, though I was doing pretty good talking to people. It helped that I liked all the people who went (except Je). All the people I don’t like didn’t come (St C, Cla, Sar, Jus). I wish St. T and Ann had come, but they both said they were too tired and you can’t really blame them since we had a test yesterday morning. I do think it’s sad that I already hate a third of the class after just a third of the course. St. C is just painfully awkward and nerdy, Cla is a “know it all” moron who never shuts up, Jus is a superior-feeling grade grubber, and Sar just comes off overly industrious and insincere. I really need to work on my people skills. Oh well. I’m staying holed up in my room for today I think. I’m praying I get my shit done this weekend, or more specifically, one report done tonight. We’ll see. I’m most definitely going to try. Until my next journal entry, so long.