6-17-12

It seems I am having my first major problems of the summer school session. Today is Sunday, and the first week is almost over. The classes have been sort of challenging, but that’s not what I’m concerned about. Yesterday was the trip to New York City. We went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Let me start off by saying, I don’t care that much about art. I don’t see it as some semi-mystical expression of some deeper human condition, or something to make a statement with. I see it as something that should be made to please. I want to look at a piece and think “Oh, that’s neat,” or “I like that” and leave it at that. So hours in a museum full of art that I don’t care about was a little much. I stuck mostly to the historical pieces for the most part because I do enjoy older civilizations so that made them more appealing. After a while I decided to get something to eat at the way overpriced café. I bought something and looked for a place to sit down. There wasn’t a single place. And you couldn’t take food in the museum itself. I walked back and forth a couple times and saw people slowly eating small snacks while reading the newspaper or done eating and sitting there talking. No one had the common decency to think “Oh, maybe someone else wants to sit. Maybe I shouldn’t linger.” It made me mad. So mad I threw away all my food without eating any of it and immediately left the museum. (I think I was the only person from our group to wander around entirely on my own at the museum.) On my way out I was livid and was constantly imagining doing violent things to the people I passed and the art pieces I saw. It didn’t help that the museum was a maze so I couldn’t get out nearly as fast as I wanted to. Outside I walked a couple blocks still angry before finding a bench to sit on. I started thinking. First I realized that what I’d done was really very like something my dad would have done, throwing away something and storming out. I really don’t want to become my father. He’s not someone who is happy with his life. Next I realized my actions had sort of a “see what you made me do” sort of aspect to them. This is very like when I burned myself this spring after my ER visit. I can’t remember what direction my thoughts took after that but I know I ended up tearing up in the middle of New York City (the bench was by Central Park) and wishing Dr. H had given me a prescription for a valium or something. I think I got vaguely suicidal and was feeling very down after my angry outbreak. I spent the rest of the afternoon wandering on my own in kind of a numb state. When I finally met up with other people, I felt better. Being around people fends off my moods for the most part, but I don’t seek the company of people all the time, not Vee and most certainly not people I’ve only known for a week. But the rest of the evening was OK, since I spent it with the group. We went to an Irish pub for supper, went to Trump Tower, and walked through Times Square to Penn Station (Jam, Jul, St C, Jus, Cla, Ama, Da, those are the kids who went. That’s just so I remember, not for people who read this). The problem now is that today I was supposed to get some homework done for tomorrow (I’ve been up since relatively early and meant to do it), but I haven’t even got anything done yet. My laziness is now taking its toll, and thoughts of worthlessness and vaguely suicidal thoughts creep through my head. “You’re lazy and pathetic. How are you going to accomplish anything in life? You should just give up.” They’re not bad, but they’re tiring and decrease my motivation even more. Whatever. As long as I get what I need to done by like midnight. You may notice this is kinda heavier than a lot of my other posts, not just little whinings (at least I hope not). I don’t even know if I’ll post this. If I do, it won’t be for over a month at least, after the school is done. Maybe I’ll write something about the other people in the program, though if I do it’ll be at the end, when I know them as well as I’m going to. We’ll see if anything worthy of posting happens in the next couple weeks as well.

                On a positive note, Friday I saw the ocean for the first time and swam in it too. It was a fun experience. I’d seen the Great Lakes before, which are also water as far as you can see, but the ocean is different somehow. The waves coming in just have this never-ending, ceaseless quality. They just keep coming one after the other. After the kids who came (Ant, Jul, Jam, Jef, Cor, Sar, Cla, Sco, Ama, Da) went swimming, we walked down the beach and then played ultimate football which was fun. People asked me about my burn scars and accepted my story of a drunken bet. A couple kids stayed at the beach and got thoroughly drunk and the rest of us went back and hung out at two of the guys’ apartment. I didn’t really drink there. It was very chill though. A good start before my kinda emotional fail of a weekend. It really makes me think hard about starting antidepressants this fall with Dr. H. She said it gives you a cushion with your emotions, and so I would think they’d prevent unreasonable anger spells that leave me feeling depressed like yesterday. But again, do I want to change who I am? Do I want to drug myself into someone I’m not? We’ll see. Those are problems for future me. I shouldn’t worry about them now.