#4

A Reality: People care too much about what others think of them.
    Let's face it, no matter how many times you hear "live for yourself, do what makes you happy no matter what others think," you still can't shake off that small flair of disappointment when somebody says they disapprove of something you've done. I'm growing out my hair (I hate it and it looks terrible, but what else is college for?) and I'm trying to find ways to help get it out of my face when I'm studying. My bangs aren't long enough to stay behind my ears yet, so the best solution I've come up with is two semi-bun things, one on top of my head in the front and one in the back. I don't think it looks terrible. A little weird maybe, but again, this is college. You see weirder things walking down the sidewalk all the time. I've only worn my hair like this in public once or twice. People do kinda give me looks when I have it like that, but I'm pretty sure they're more "Oh that's not something you see everyday" rather than "That guy looks really retarded right now and probably doesn't even realize it" looks. So its all good. Until Vee saw me with my hair like that. One of the first things out of her mouth is, "I'm not being seen with you like that." One of our other friends who was in the room took more my view of my hair like that: its fun(ny) because it's odd. It's not necessarily embarrassing though. Vee would not change her mind. She is still dead set against me wearing my hair like that. So, even though everyone else seems to accept me like that, Vee won't. And just because that one person won't, I don't wear my hair like that. I suffer through it getting in my face (it's actually long enough to get in my mouth slightly when I'm eating) and making my glasses dirty when I wear them (we can't wear contacts in chemistry lab).
     Another example is Vee herself. She applied to get into a professional school her sophomore year, but really worried about not making it. She really likes planning things out, so she decided to plan out multiple schedules for what to do if she didn't get in. Basically it came down to she could get in to the school, she could go another year and apply again, she could get a BA, or she could get a BS. Obviously since she applied this year, a bachelor's degree isn't required for admission. However, they are thinking of making it mandatory for future years. She was actually thinking she might be more competitive when she gets out into the work force if she would have a bachelor's degree as well like all the employees a couple years younger than her would. So she was thinking she might decline even if she got admitted and just go for her BA. Then a lot of people were giving her grief since a BA is the "wimpy" route to a degree. So then she was planning on a BS. She had pretty much set herself up for going that route (she did end up getting rejected by the school), but it wasn't until her parents visited and she talked to them about it that she decided that's what she was going to do. Her parents were greatly in favor of the bachelors once she explained her reasoning to them. The thing is, Vee doesn't need her parents to go to college. She's a first generation student (both immigration and college-wise) so she gets more than enough money to cover college without her parents. She was legitimately concerned with making sure her parents were happy with her decision. Maybe other people don't think that's so weird, but I'm not super close with my parents (I've never called them for more than asking a quick financial question since I came to college). I try to think I'm not going to worry what my parents think of what I'm doing. If they disapprove, I'll just talk to them even less (they're not paying for my college either). But even though I would care less than Vee, I would still be slightly torn if my parents didn't like what I decided to to. And I really don't think it's healthy to live to try and please your parents.
    I really wish I could have enough poise and self esteem to not care what others thought. But I can't help caring. It's not something you can wish away. There are secrets I keep that most people wouldn't actually care if they found out, but I'm still not going to tell them just because I'm still scared of what they might think of me. Feeling judged is one of the worst feelings in the world. And most people do it to people around us all the time, without thinking. If everyone could stop doing that, maybe people would start to "dance like nobody is watching." But that's not going to happen. The world doesn't work that way. And you can't wish yourself impervious to that feeling of shame from others' disapproval. That's not how reality works. Fuck reality.
   And I do realize that none of this is super original. I'm pretty sure most people have thought of this stuff before. But I'm not writing this to be original. I'm writing this to try and get some of my angst out and figure out what the hell I want to do with my life. Maybe seeing stuff in words will help me sort it out.