10-24-12

So first off, I would like to say thank you to my new readers. However, I would also like to point out that I can tell from the number of page views that you haven’t read the rest of my blog, so I’m just going to warn you I don’t talk a super amount about the whole gay thing, so this might be a bit of a boring read. Posts #14 and #16 (the one I’m sure most of you read) are the only ones that are entirely about being gay. Otherwise, I write more about what’s going on in my life with classes, friends, starting meds, etc. But again, thanks for your interest and I hope you enjoy! There’s also some gay stuff towards the end of this post too if that’s what you want to read.

So, it’s really been a while since I’ve posted. More than three weeks. A lot’s been going on since it’s a busy time in the semester, but stuff also hasn’t been that great. Sorry for how long this is btw. I mentioned in my last “journal” post that I didn’t think my prescription for antidepressants would be changed since they seemed to be working well. Dr. H did end up upping my dose just a little, but I decided to wait to start that until after my test later that week just in case I got side-effects. When I took that test on Wednesday, I felt horrible about it. I got super depressed afterwards and went to hang out with Vee. It was bad. The next day I started my new prescription. I did end up getting a few side-effects, but not nearly as bad as when I first started fluoxetine. That week was also my older sister’s birthday. I had to come up with an excuse to not drink with her since I was still avoiding alcohol with my prescription (I still haven’t told anyone in my family about my drugs). It was fun though. We went to a bar, she drank, and I just ate. My parents also came down over the weekend, since it’s about half-way through the semester and close to my sister’s birthday. I always get kinda irritable with them when they visit at college. I love going home to visit them, but when they come here, it always seems they’re intruding. Plus my new prescription was making me super tired. So they took up a ton of my weekend, which was really bad because it was a weekend I really needed to get shit done. Basically I got nothing done, had a slight breakdown, could barely force myself to study the whole next week. I did really bad on my test Tuesday, didn’t get a presentation done for Wednesday that I was supposed to, and didn’t turn my lab report due Friday in until the next Monday. I will also say that after Monday/Tuesday I now will have even more scars to add to my collection. Fuck.

                So with the presentation I was supposed to have done Wednesday, I talked to the professor, ended up explaining my problems (stress + anxiety = depression = unable to work + vaguely suicidal) and he was pretty good. He postponed my meeting with him until Friday. I still didn’t have much done by Friday, and I didn’t even start working on my presentation until early in the morning the next Tuesday, the day I was supposed to present it. It went OK considering, but it was definitely a little rough. I was actually supposed to meet with the professor this last Monday to discuss how it went, but he was late, so apparently we just missed each other. Instead, I’m supposed to meet him this next Friday. We’ll see what he says. I suspect he’s not super pleased with me. So the Friday I met with that professor (I love that professor by the way. He’s a great teacher and was super helpful during our meeting) to go over my presentation before I gave it, Barry actually came into town for the night. We went out to eat, went out for hookah, went to a bar (I had one beer over the course of an hour and a half. Damn meds) and then caught lunch before he left the next day. I hadn’t seen him since last spring, so it was fun talking to him again. So the next week, after turning my lab report in on Monday and having a quiz followed immediately by my presentation on Tuesday, I really just chilled the rest of the week. Until Friday. I had an appointment with Dr. H on Friday and she was most displeased by my new “scars” and bad record with stuff interfering with school. She told me to stay on my antidepressants since they might be helping a little bit, and also gave me a prescription for an antipsychotic. I know that sounds scary, but I’m just supposed to take one when I get in my weird agitated moods to help me calm down and not do anything stupid. She also told me to set up an appointment for counseling. She recommended an outside place, but I’m going to try the University first. My mom’s taking a while to tell me whether or not our insurance covers the place Dr. H recommended, so I just decided to try the free one first. That appointment’s next week. I also have to meet with Dr. H again this week. We had been doing a couple weeks between appointments, but she’s really not happy with me. She even stole my key to the lab I work in so I don’t have access to any chemicals. So tomorrow I’m probably going to have to explain that to my research advisor. Oh, well. I probably should have told my research advisor a while ago.

                So the same Friday that I had an appointment with Dr. H is when I really noticed Vee getting into bitch mode with me. Part of the reason she and I have been close so long is because we can tell when the other’s had enough of us. Then we just kinda avoid each other for a bit and act like nothing happened when we finally do start hanging out more again. Well, this time Vee has been anything but subtle in trying to avoid me. She’s been really snippy with me and downright rude sometimes. Like I said, I really noticed it last Friday for the first time and it came out of nowhere, with no warning. Last night I texted her asking if we could hang out or if I should just take one of my antipsychotics instead, she replied that I should start being more independent and to take a pill. Translation: stop being such a whiny, clingy bitch. Fuck you, Vee. She knows exactly what I’m going through and she decided to dump that on me. She’s dangerously close to pissing me off permanently. I can literally stay mad at someone for years (depending on how badly they piss me off. A year’s most normal, though there’s one kid we’re on three and counting. He almost got me suspended, though). So that night, since Vee obviously didn’t want me to drink with her, I bought a six pack and drank alone. It was actually really fun. I talked to my neighbors (also drunk) for the first time, this chick at the front desk who knows Swahili and wants to move to Africa (she’s very white), and this one kid (also very drunk) who I met outside after I fell down, among others. I actually ended up mentioning I was gay to the kid I met after falling down. He said good for me and that his best friend from high school was actually gay. Not bad for my first experience coming out to someone in real life. I knew Anneh was studying somewhere that night, but she wasn’t texting me back where, so I decided to go looking for her (I love people/company when I’m drunk). She was actually the first place I looked, a coffee shop. I sat there with her and her friend on my computer and chatting for a couple hours until the place closed. I’m a little loud when I’m drunk, but I don’t think I was super irritating. Plus, I’m funny when I’m drunk so it all works out. I then went back to my room, texted a friend from high school, and watched Adventures in Babysitting while I sobered up. I woke up the next morning with essentially no hangover, and proceeded to do nothing the rest of the weekend. I did hang out with my older sister on Saturday and Lils on Sunday.

                So this week’s been a kind of limbo. I haven’t really had anything going on, but I’ve been super depressed the last couple days starting Monday (today’s Wednesday). It’s been random since stress is my major trigger for this stuff. The antidepressants haven’t seemed to be helping much, and I’ve been pretty bad. I’m not truly suicidal, I just think about death and ways to kill myself a lot, but I have no intention of going through with them. It’s just been stressful, and my notes during class have definitely suffered. I haven’t really talked to someone since Monday, since Vee’s being a bitch, but I think I’m meeting Anneh tonight after my evening class. I really need some company. I really have the last couple days. That’s why I texted Vee when she told me to take a pill and to start being more independent. So yeah, I’m definitely looking forward to getting to talk to someone. My depression’s been weird today. It was really bad this morning, with an almost constant state of despair going on. Then I started just getting random moments when I was almost fine. Then those started taking over and I was just getting random flashes of despair. That’s still going on. It’s kinda exhausting. I’m definitely going to ask Dr. H about it on Friday. I swear to you I didn’t use to be this crazy. This has been going on for less than a year. I really don’t know what triggered it all of a sudden. My older sister had something kinda similar her junior year in college, too, though I think her thing was a little less severe than mine and she let it affect her school work more. I really hope I can get this figured out. I’m sick of wanting to just give up on absolutely everything. I’m sick of feeling alone. I just want someone to be there. Not trying to make me feel better, but just letting me know they’re there for me no matter what. My family would do that for me, but I have this weird aversion to telling them stuff. I really hope my depression clears up tomorrow, since I have three tests next week and I should start studying tomorrow. I’m really worried since stress is usually a very bad thing for me and the tests are all one day after the other starting on Monday. We’ll see.

                So finally the stuff that might be more interesting to my gay readers: I got an adam4adam account almost two weeks ago on a Thursday (the 11^th). I have no intention of doing just random hookups on there, but it’s been easier to find other guys my age who aren’t looking for hookups either than I thought it would be. I’ve talked to several guys and thought we’ve been getting along alright, but they stop messaging me randomly for some reason. I’ve found other guys who are masculine and in the closet, and it’s been fun. I’ve also talked to some older people. Most of them have been creepy, but this one Australian guy was really nice. I wouldn’t mind talking to him again. He seems to more be on there to talk and lightly flirt than anything. He was pretty cool. And he was only in his mid-30’s so not super old. But there has been one guy who I’ve been talking to. Let’s call him Jorge. Obviously he’s Latino. He was really fun messaging, and we exchanged numbers, so we’ve been texting. We actually started texting while I was drunk last Friday. He was getting drunk with his sister and cousin (he goes home for the weekends). Our conversation remained pretty casual throughout, so it doesn’t seem either of us are desperate or horny drunks. He’s not out either. We decided to meet for supper on Monday. We both still live in the dorms (he’s 21 and a senior), so we just went to one of the eating halls. His pictures were a lot hotter (he’s very photogenic) but he’s still just fine in person. I kinda like that he’s more average anyway. He’s completely normal too, and not a huge partier or anything. Our conversation never turned to anything gay since we were in public. He said when we were messaging each other that he just wanted a friend he could be himself around. As you maybe can tell, I’m pretty obviously at least a little interested in him. Unfortunately, I have no way of knowing yet if he’s interested in return or if he’s really just looking for friends. We’ve only exchanged a very few texts since Monday. I’m always the one initiating our texting conversations, so I don’t know whether to interpret that as he’s as shy as/shier than me, or I’m being a pest. I really hope not I’m not bothering him. Even if he’s not interested in any sort of relationship, it’d be fun just to have a gay friend I can relate to. Unfortunately, we have no classes together, no mutual friends, and it’s a busy time of the semester, and he works back home on the weekends. It might be a little hard finding time to hang out together to get to know each other. We’ll see what happens. I’m sure I’ll write about whatever happens, or you can email me and ask more if you’re really dying to know. I’m kinda doubting anything comes out of it, but I can hope, right? I need some hope in my life right now.

                Comments on anything are appreciated. Especially advice for depression and school work. I know that has to be kind of a downer to read about, but I’m sorry. It’s my life. I actually kind of enjoy it in a weird way. At least looking back on it. Anyway, my evening class is soon and them I’m meeting Anneh, so I better get this posted and go. Hope everyone has a good rest of the week. Happy hump day!

#16

A reality: I see a bleak future ahead of me.

                This is for two reason: 1) I don’t think I could do casual sex. I think I’d have a tendency to romanticize anything I did and become attached. 2) I don’t find gay couples cute. I don’t want to become one of those old ones who’ve been together forever. Those two factors (combined with the fact I have trouble seeing myself coming out, especially to my family) leave me picturing a rather lonely future for myself. I come home from work, sit at home, and surf the internet creepily. Occasionally, my physical needs will result in a one night hookup despite my better judgment. I then spend the next week or two in a stupid fantasy: what I could have said to my hookup so we could live happily ever after, how I could run into him again, how he would declare his love for me. Of course none of these things will happen, and I’ll forget about such foolish, unrealistic notions until my need to be intimate with someone once again overrules my mind’s protestations. I sincerely hope that is not how my life ends up, although the thought of it makes me feel more resigned than depressed.

                So why don’t I think I could do casual sex without becoming attached? One has to do with me and my interactions on the internet. I stumble on some gay blog where I identify with the author, and before you know it, I’m picturing starting a relationship where I can make all their insecurities and frustrations go away. A relationship perfect enough that all remaining reservations about my sexual orientation are swept aside and all that matters is we have together. A relationship that is a fortress to keep the rest world and the problems it brings out, with only room for the two of us inside its walls. This fades relatively quickly, some faster than the others. However, it bothers me to be so detached from reality for even the shortest times. I try to be logical, I try and quash such ideas, but they still come. Despite my choice of a science major, I am still prone to an overactive imagination (though maybe a lot of science nerds are, hence Sci-fi/Fantasy books). I also have had a brief experience with a guy I mentioned once. We didn’t do much, but I spent the next seven years still picturing him and me having one last encounter that turns into a night of passion following him confessing that he too has been in the closet, hiding his feeling for me all these years. But that won’t happen. We haven’t hung out in years (and not for lack of me inviting him). I’m pretty sure he’s straight, and even if he wasn’t I’m pretty sure one of his other friends would jump on him before I could. Just the brief interactions I had with him have stayed with me for years. “So what?” one might say. “Those romantic idealizations don’t have to apply to random people you just pick up. In the gay community sex can be as casual and anonymous as you want.” And why not? Why shouldn’t I sleep with anonymous people I can’t connect with? Surely then I wouldn’t be able to form some misplaced sense of attachment. And I probably could do that, except for one thing: I don’t want to be that person. While I’m not really religious, I still believe sex should mean something, that it’s an act that shares a special part of your very self with another person. I don’t want to become desensitized; I don’t want to be unconcerned with the consequences of sex. I want it to mean something, to have a sense of love and attachment in my life. If all I needed was release, I can stick to solo action. Maybe I’ll change my mind once I actually have it, but I can’t imagine sex is worth giving up that belief. I believe in self-control, that wanting to do something in no way justifies doing it. Just because I want to pick up some random guy does not mean it will help my willpower or sense of satisfaction in my life. I want to control my body, not the other way around. Maybe I should be a Buddhist. As tempting as it is to just say “fuck it,” I don’t want to fill my life with easy sex. I don’t want to be that person.

                So why not find a relationship, someone I can build a life with? That goes back to me finding gay couples creepy. I think the main reason for this is that I have yet to meet one (or see one on TV) that honestly convinces me its love and not lust. I think a lot of gay relationships are more about sex first. The guys meet and hook up or are friends, then friends with benefits, and then decide to make it a thing. And some certainly do get all cutesy and lovey-dovey, but it seems so childish. It’s so constant and over the top. It’s almost like they’re trying to convince someone (either themselves or others) that they are in love and not just lust. A lot of them seem like high school level relationships, and never mature into anything else. It just stays as something shallow where the two can’t see how impermanent and superficial their relationship is (again, high school). Maybe a reason I have this view is the large number of open gay relationships you read about on blogs. There was one where a (Canadian) couple was engages, but one was finishing college far away so they had an open relationship so neither would have to go without sex. God forbid. Vee always says right after you break up, it’s hard to go without regular sex, but you stick it out and you get used to it. It’s not a reason to go whoring around just because you miss it. Or other stories you read about a couple having a threesome with another guy. I’ve heard of couples who’ve been together for years engage in this. Granted, some straight couples try and spice things up too (wife-swapping, etc.) but it just seems more prevalent in the gay community. Maybe this is because I’m not really in the gay community that I have all these conceptions about what it’s like. Maybe if I went out and met more gay people I’d feel better about it. But I doubt it. So many gay men seem to never properly settle down, staying mostly single their whole lives. The old couples also strike me as shallow, though this may be because most of the depictions I’ve seen of them are on TV. I’ve never actually seen/met an older couple in real life. On TV, they’re either a stereotype or some forced, transparent propaganda for “equality of love.” Of course, maybe the other reason I find old couples creepy is because homosexuality is so connected with sex. There is absolutely no way to forget that these two unattractive wrinkly old dudes (sorry to anyone that is offended. Take comfort in the fact I too shall age and be in that position.) are fucking each other in private. Somehow, it is so easy to forget that straight married couples also still having sex into old age. I don’t know why that is, just something about two same-sex people in a relationship makes it impossible to forget about the sex. So yeah, basically I’m not in any hurry to rush into a relationship (and not just because I don’t know any gay guys). I don’t want my relationship to be based on sex. I don’t want to have to screw a guy just to get to know him. I want to fall for a guy’s personality. If I like a guy, I honestly won’t care what they look like. I used to have a little bit of a crush on Barry just because he’s a nice guy, and he’s 300 pounds. I would much rather have a single good relationship than hundreds of hookups. However, I don’t see that happening. And that is why I say fuck reality. I honestly can’t picture a happy gay future for myself. I miss the times when I could lie to myself and say I’d like girls when I got older. I’m past that. And now I have to live with what my gayness means for my future. And I’m not looking forward to it at all.

9-29-12

So I think my antidepressants are working. I’ll still get kinda sad/lonely/mopey moods, but I don’t get suicidal with them. Stuff that normally would make me depressed doesn’t bother me as much (the drugs got quite the workout with this this week). It’s a little strange, though, since just letting that stuff go isn’t my normal reaction at all. It’s just not me. I can’t get too upset over it, though, since the pills are working. My thoughts aren’t really fuzzy anymore, and I feel pretty much back to normal. I might be getting a couple of the sexual side effects, but whatever. I have an appointment with Dr. H on Monday. I think she’ll be happy with how the pills are working and won’t adjust my prescription. Last Tuesday I had a day that nothing could bring me down at all and I felt great, but I think that was one of the side effects Dr. H mentioned. But otherwise, I had a pretty normal week. I had a biochem test, which went OK, I had a lab report due Friday that I didn’t start until late Thursday night. I went through Friday (yesterday) extremely short on sleep. Two of my tutees didn’t show up on Friday, and I had another one miss on Thursday. This week was homecoming, but I didn’t do anything special all week. I slept through the parade catching up on some sleep. Yesterday was also Anneh’s 21^st birthday. I texted Vee after I woke up from my nap. Everyone was at a bar. I was planning on joining even though I’m still not drinking while I adjust to my medications. I asked Vee if they served food at the bar since I missed supper, and she was like “Idk.” So I said fuck it and didn’t go. I meant to study today, but I didn’t get anything done. I have a test on Wednesday I should read for. Oh, well, as long as I get it done tomorrow. I’m still a little tired today, too. I can be lazy. Anneh also was having a party tonight. I walked all the way to her house, could see people in the front lawn, and I turned around and walked away. I guess the pills aren’t working that well. It’s just that Vee wasn’t there, it wasn’t a party where you could easily fade into the woodwork (outside, sunny, lawn games as opposed to a crowded dimly lit house), and I didn’t feel like new people. So I haven’t talked to anyone all day, and I’ve just sat in my room except for food and to walk (almost) to Anneh’s. Edit: I ended up going with Vee after she got off work. I pretended to be drunk and had fun for a bit but then people left for another party, and I have this thing where even though I know other people just assume I’ll join, I feel left out if I’m not directly asked so I didn’t go with them and wandered back to my room on my own. Normally I’d beat myself up for that, but the pills apparently don’t let me get depressed over doing stuff like that. Now if only they could help me stop doing it in the first place. Oh, well. They’re not miracle workers.

                Other news: I saw an amusing shirt. It looked like one of those “I <3 NY” ones except it said “I only like NY as a friend.” I appreciated that since I didn’t think New York was that great. I am definitely more rural at heart. Also, my neighbors (the hot ones) are pissing me off. They keep being loud at night when I’m trying to sleep. I really should go ask them to quiet down sometime, but I’m just so non-confrontational. Last night they were screwing around with their friends and one of them was wearing only a pair of small, black briefs. He has the body to pull them off, but it’s kinda weird for one guy to be mostly naked with a group of fully clothed guys. He enjoys showing his body off way too much, especially to other guys. So yeah, that was my week. I’m sure you are all enthralled. If you thought that was boring, you provide the entertainment. Comment and leave a wacky comment about something you did this week. Not that anyone will, since no one reads my blog. Until next week.

9-22-12

So once again, not a horribly exciting week. I’ve been lazy the whole week since I didn’t really have any tests or anything. I do have a test on next Tuesday I need to study for, but I’m not super worried about it. I blame my laziness on the drugs. The really bad feeling of being “off” and having my head be all fuzzy only lasted until Tuesday. Since then, I’ve still been getting some headaches, I’ve been super tired, and my concentration is just a little weird. It’s gotten better as the week’s gone on, but my memory’s just not quite what it usually is. Hopefully that will go away before my test. I’d almost describe it like I can’t hold onto my thoughts. They’re just like softer and less substantial than they usually are, and if I try to focus on a particular one it just kinda drifts away. That’s gotten better as the week’s gone on too. I read somewhere that most of those kind of side effects are only for a week or two, and then you start getting the antidepressant effects you want. I might be getting those a little already, though. I just can’t get in a mopey mood. A couple times this week it’s been like my brain wants to get into a little bout of depression, but it just won’t come. It’s like trying to walk through a screen door not realizing it’s still closed. It’s not a bad thing I can’t get into a proper depressed mood, but it just feels super weird. The sexual side effects are supposed to kick in later on if you happen to get them, so I haven’t noticed any of them yet. Oh, well. If I do get them, it won’t necessarily be a bad thing. I’m single, with no prospects of that changing, and a lower sex drive wouldn’t be a bad thing necessarily.

                Friday was also my first day of tutoring. I was supposed to meet with two groups of two kids for bio II and chem II. The Bio girls went fine, though one had to leave early. I stayed late with the other one, though, so it worked out. The chem kids, the guy was on time, but the girl was caught at work, so the guy signed the sheet that I’d tutored him, and we left (they’d just had a test, so they didn’t really have any material to go over). I get paid if the kids don’t show up, too, so I’m not really mad the girl couldn’t come.

                So today I was catching up on reading for my test on Tuesday. I camped out in the library. Vee stayed until she had to go to work, and Zee stopped by and caught up on his reading all afternoon too. I didn’t finish, quite, so I’m going to have to do that tomorrow, even though the book isn’t really helpful compared to lecture. All the info in it that wasn’t in the lecture was either stuff the professor didn’t agree with or so specific the professor doesn’t care. Oh, well, I’ll finish reading anyway. I think I’m meeting Zee to study some more tomorrow, after I do some volunteer thing with Vee. This class might be a good chance to get to know Zee more. We’ve never talked a lot in the past. It’s interesting to get to know him a little.

                And finally, to end with a mini-rant: I am fucking sick of chemistry majors looking down on biology so much. They literally view it as a lesser science. They think it’s all about memorizing and regurgitating useless facts. I know it’s because they’ve only had the lowest level courses. Low level chemistry is all problems, but low level bio is all just setting up the basis for upper courses with stuff you have to know. Though Bio II did already have some more of the taking the examples we learned in class and applying it to another system. A lot of upper level biology classes have questions about interpreting experimental data and saying what the results say about the system. Biology relies on experiments that are as well set up as possible, just like chemistry, just like any science. It’s not a lesser science just because you didn’t like your high school biology class. Anyway. I hope all you non-existent readers have a wonderful week. Until next time.

9-17-12

So, to start off with the biggest news of the week, I’ve officially started antidepressants. I’ve said before school/stress is a major trigger for my depression (which is why Dr. H calls it anxiety rather than depression) and this last week was a little stressful. I had a test, a quiz, and a lab report due. My depressive bouts made it impossible to stay on top of things, though. For my test, I didn’t start studying until 4 hours before the exam, and I didn’t start the lab report until less than 12 hours until it was due. I don’t know how well those turned out. Oh, well, I can still make up for it with the rest of the semester. I realized my depression was getting to affect my schoolwork again, so I made an appointment with Dr. H. Surprisingly I could get in the next day. So I went in there, she gave me the prescription, and I picked it up on the way out. That was on Friday. She did tell me to wait to start it until Sunday since me and Vee went out Friday night. We kinda made up for not going to the bars on her birthday. We went to a really quiet bar that people just kinda kept to their own groups with. It was fun, just me and her. We walked around after that to sober up a bit. We ran into some drunk freshmen that we talked to for a bit and then sat under this bridge and talked for a while. So Saturday I was sleeping off a hangover (had to go out to supper with my older sister since the cafeteria was closed by the time I woke up from my nap), and Sunday I didn’t do much because the drugs are making me feel just a little off. I still feel a little weird this morning too. Oh, well. At least I don’t have any tests this week. I just get to stay caught up on stuff and adjust to the drugs and see if I notice them helping. Though I have to stay away from drinking for a while, too. I wouldn’t care, except not being able to do it makes me want to do it.

So other things this week: I want to torture mice to death for a living. One of my classes had us reading papers about cancer research and most of them involve genetically altered mice and giving them cancer to study the processes of various things. I find it fascinating. It’s something I can maybe see myself doing. Sadly, I can’t try it as an undergrad since no one really does that at my college. Oh, well. That’s what grad school is for. I was walking behind a drunk kid one night and he claimed to have gotten jumped. I really want to know where the hell he was coming from, since he was walking the same direction I was. I suspect he got into a crappy part of the residential neighborhoods, but I don’t know what the hell he’d be doing there. My college really isn’t in a rough town, so he must have made a huge target of himself and been somewhere he shouldn’t have been. I also have to say, my floor is a little weird this year. In past years, most guys go to the shower in just a towel. Not all, but most. This year, there’s a bunch of kids who go there either in shorts or something (not unreasonable), but some go almost fully dressed. It’s so weird. Maybe my floor’s just prude this year. Except my neighbors. They’re both really hot (a lot of the floor is, actually), but one loves to just be in his boxers with the door open. One time I saw him mostly undressed with a bunch of other (fully clothed) people in the room. Another time, he was walking down the hallway naked except for a towel held only over his crotch. He had a nice ass, but still. He’s a bit of an exhibitionist I think. Most of the time they’re pretty quiet, too. There’s these two guys that like to play Frisbee in the hall and it hits my door, but that’s pretty rare. Also, on football game mornings, a lot of them get up early to go tailgate, so they get a little rowdy when I want to sleep in. Oh, freshmen. So obsessed with drinking. Another nice thing is that the bathroom isn’t disgusting. My freshman year, it was always really bad. I’ve never had problems other years, though. I think I heard someone say someone puked in the sink one weekend, but I’m not going to judge for that since the one time I’ve thrown up when I was drunk, the first time that night was all over a urinal. One kid apparently brings his own toilet paper to the bathroom with him. It’s like really? Suck it up. The stuff in the bathroom isn’t great, but it gets the job done. Also this week, there was a kinda breezy, drizzly day that is never got out of the 50’s. A light jacket was all that was needed. One of my neighbors (on the opposite side of the previously mentioned ones) goes into his room and is like “What the fuck, it’s Sept. 13^th and I can see my fucking breath.” First of all, not you couldn’t, and second, it’s going to get WWWWAAAAYYYYY colder. People will wear shorts and short sleeves in this weather in the spring. He kept going on about the ridiculous weather and said something about transferring. I really hope he’s not actually going to transfer over one cool day. I wonder where he’s from. Obviously somewhere more south, or by an ocean. So overall, the guys seem alright on my floor. One keeps calling me John Lennon when he sees me. He claims I look like him, but I really don’t at all. I’ve talked to maybe two kids, though, very briefly. I don’t even know who my RA is. I’ve never seen his door open. Whatever. That’s my floor this year. Probably about the last I’ll say about them too. I just have my own stuff to do. Anyway, hopefully I’ll be able to report back next week without too bad of side effects from the drugs. Here’s hoping. Later.

#15

A reality: I’m socially awkward.

                So if you read my blog consistently, I’m sure you’ve noticed my rants that begin with “a reality:” tend to be kinda long, but I’m hoping this one will actually be pretty fast. We’ll see. So let’s just dive right to the heart of the matter.

                I’ve decided there are two types of socially awkward people: 1) the people that irritate everyone and can’t seem to pick up cues that people aren’t interested in what they’re saying, and 2) the people who think they irritate people or are making a fool out of themselves. I shall call them the actually awkward and the anxious awkward respectively. The actually awkward are people who just have some problem relating to people. They don’t understand that they’re stories are boring/irritating or picking up when people want to be left alone. Other people often react to these types of people in one of two ways. Sometimes, people feel sorry for the person. This is especially true when it’s obvious they have some sort of problem that actually affects their ability to interact with people. There was a kid who lived in my dorm for two years that was like this. He had some learning problems and was just incredibly awkward. I felt sorry for the kid and was willing to put up with him for brief conversations (one of those things where I figure it’s better to inconvenience myself for a bit and brighten someone else’s day, especially when the alternative is doing absolutely nothing useful with the time I spent on that person). Barry had the second reaction to this kid: he found him incredibly irritating and avoided him at all costs and could be kinda rude to him. (This always surprised me about Barry, since most of the time he was a really sweet, understanding guy.) I often have this reaction to the actually awkward, but usually to the ones who have no other obvious…defects, for lack of a better word. Examples of these include the kid Cla this summer (god we all hated him) and one of my cousins. These people often seem younger than they’re age and prattle on, and just can’t relate to people quite right. I’m a little curious if it’s a form of autism or just they’re personality. Either way, they seriously piss me off. I just stop listening to them and interrupting them. And a lot of the time, they still don’t pick up that you don’t care. They’re the ones you have to be actually nasty to to get them to leave you alone. I always feel bad after I do snap at one of them, but I just can’t take the alternative. Stupid conscience.

                The anxious awkward people are the ones who worry about what others think of them all the time. They’re the ones who sit and want to talk to someone, and will sit and try and think of something to say, and even if they do eventually think of something, won’t be able to talk to the person anyway. They’re the ones who feel like they’re imposing if they talk to a person they know while that person is with some friends. The anxious awkward don’t understand that most people are far more forgiving than they realize, and even if you make an awkward start to a conversation, the rest of the conversation with a stranger can be just fine, and the next time will be that much better. They think they are as bad as one of the actually awkward, and it makes them clam up. There are generally two reactions to this type of person. People often feel sorry for/sympathetic towards these people. They know the person is s out of their comfort zone, and they try and make things easier for them. The other reaction is that people will often assume that the awkward person is stuck up, or angry, or standoffish. This makes conversations even harder. I’ve known people who have said after they got to know someone, “I thought you were a bitch, but it turns out you were just shy!” People should maybe not jump to that conclusion so fast. Examples of people like this include St. C from this summer. He would be talking about something and then break off saying, “Sorry, I know you don’t care.” While his stories often were a little bit more long-winded than they needed to be (something I used to struggle with, until I learned to cut them down, and even just edit the facts slightly just to make it go faster so you don’t have to explain stuff), they weren’t that bad, and he was just convinced people didn’t want to listen to him. It was actually St. C and Cla this summer that made me realize this whole two types of awkward people thing, being able to compare them both side-by-side. So as I said in the very beginning, I consider myself socially awkward. I’m definitely one of the anxious awkward, not actually awkward. I’ve told Vee about my whole “two types of awkward” and she agrees I’m anxious awkward too. I’m just always worried about how to talk to people. Even if a person I know is talking to some strangers, I find it extremely hard to contribute to the conversation. If I see someone I just sort of know walking toward me on the sidewalk, often I’ll go out of my way to seem distracted or look down so I don’t have to interact with them. I know my problem. I know people are more forgiving than my anxiety is always telling me they are. I still can’t make myself get over my nervousness. I’m an extremely friendly drunk, and alcohol completely removes my inhibitions about talking to people. But even if I meet someone at a party while drunk, I’m still too awkward to talk to them when I see them sober. Vee is always telling me I just need to get out there and make some new friends (I think she’s a little irritated that basically everyone I know I’ve met through her here at college). It’s just not that easy, though. And that is why I say fuck reality. This is another one of those times that knowing my problems doesn’t make the solutions any easier. It’s still something that’s extremely difficult to work on, and I will struggle with it for years to come, if not the rest of my life. I also know many, many other people are in the same boat as me. So smile, you’re not alone.

Damn it, still over 1100 words.

9-9-12

So once again it hasn’t been a super exciting week. It’s the third week of classes and all the good places to study are back to being packed. I really enjoyed them being empty the first week or two. Oh, well, I’ll just have to suck it up. This next week is going to be not a whole lot of fun. I have a test, a quiz, and a paper. So I’ll have to be sure to stay on top of my studying. So what went on this past week? There weren’t classes Monday because of Labor Day. All the good study places were closed too, sadly. Yesterday was a football game against another state college in my state, so all week was getting pumped up for the game. There was a bunch of free stuff. Yesterday, I walked downtown and the bars were absolutely packed during the game (I was going to the public library, not the bars.) We ended up losing really bad. Oh, well. I’m not a huge football fan, so I wasn’t heartbroken. The drinking was worse than usual this weekend, and I think I heard one of the guys in the hall say someone puked in the sink in the bathroom, so I avoided that until I knew it’d been cleaned. Friday was Vee’s birthday, and she, Anneh, another guy, and I were going to go to the bars Friday night because you can’t be in the bars after 10 if you’re under 21, so it was going to be a novelty for her. Well, she decided to stop by a party first, and then her friends left with all her stuff (keys, ID, but not her phone thankfully) in one of their purses, so she ended up having to track them down over several hours. She decided she didn’t want to go to the bars after that. I feel bad for that happening to her on her birthday, but she’s also being a huge bitch about it. She didn’t even bother to text me that she didn’t want to go the bars that night, so I was sitting in my room waiting for her to text me to meet her. She didn’t even think I might not be able to even just go for a walk for exercise since I didn’t know when she was going to text. She can be kinda oblivious. She just doesn’t even think “Oh, someone else might also be inconvenienced.” Whatever. So then last night she was having a movie night with one of her friends who didn’t ditch her. She told me to come over without saying it was a girls’ night, but it wasn’t too awkward. I just got a little buzzed. I was letting my tongue go a little more than I should have, but they just thought I was drunker than I actually was, so that worked out. I still wish she hadn’t told me to come over though. I felt like I was kinda a third wheel for their “bonding time.”

                So what else happened this week? I had a couple rather nasty brushes with depression. I actually ended up going to Vee’s one night since I wasn’t comfortable being alone. I got a tutoring assignment Friday. I’m going to be tutoring Chem II, but neither of the kids have emailed me back yet. I get that it’s the weekend, but seriously? You need to check your damn email. I tried manroulette. Not a fan. It’s full of creepy people and the few who look normal/my age weren’t interested in chatting, which is what I was hoping for more. Oh, well. It was an experience. Big shock, absolutely nothing happened this week otherwise with guys. There were a couple I remember caught my eye, though. One was an Asian guy in the cafeteria was super friendly talking to this chick he’d just met. I was eavesdropping on their conversation. I really wish Lils didn’t only go for the loser type, because he would have been good for her, lol. Another guy is anti-hffa. If you don’t know, hffa means Hot From Far Away, and refers to a person who is good-looking when they’re a ways away from you but they become pretty average up close. This kid is the opposite. He looks pretty average further away, but gets way hotter up close. Sadly, he sits on the other side of the auditorium. The last guy was when I was walking over a bridge. The wind off the river was really strong and my hair was blowing everywhere. This kid at the other end of the bridge was laughing at me (it really must have looked pretty funny, I admit). He was taking a sidewalk that goes along the river, so when I got to the end up the bridge he was walking under it. He looked up at me, we made eye contact, and he was still grinning about my hair. He was pretty cute. And he was walking toward the art/theater/music buildings…. I’m sorry, that’s stereotyping a lot. I’ll probably never see him again, though, not on this campus. It was just a funny situation though. My hair’s long enough that it can go everywhere, but not long enough that its own weight will help hold it down much. That’s enough about guys, though. I feel like a creeper now. So that’s all for this time. I hope all my (nonexistent) readers have a wonderful week.