Two and a half years

It's hard to believe it's been so long since I last posted. I thought a few times about writing something (it IS a nice way to reflect back on a year) but I never got around to it. I'll try to hit the major things that happened in the two and a half years since my last blog post.

Relationships:
     I'm single now. So my first (and only official) boyfriend and I dated almost 4 years. I asked him frequently about getting married, and he eventually basically answered "Yes, but not now." We broke up just over a year ago. As I've said before, we had an open relationship and long story short, I fell for someone else. My boyfriend was very aware of my feelings for the other guy, and this horrible feeling of being torn between the two of the lasted for months. If my boyfriend had simply said he wasn't comfortable with my obvious crush, I would have stopped it. But he refused to ask that of me. One of my friends said later she thinks he was looking for a way out. Perhaps he was. We hardly ever fought and were good roommates and definitely loved each other. But a lot of the passion had gone out. It bothered me that when he'd go visit home for a week, he'd hook up with three guys, but he never wanted to have sex more than once a week with me, even though I was horny quite often. I had actually thought of closing the relationship, but I wasn't sure how to bring it up and then I met the other guy and couldn't cut it off myself. After things came to a head and the other guy said he couldn't date me, my bf said he was willing to go back to what we had. However, I was heartbroken over my crush and combined with his refusal to put any effort into saving our relationship (again, if he had said it bothered him at all I would have stopped but he'd just say "I don't think you can force these things") and comments before about not wanting to be with one person his whole life, I decided we shouldn't get back together. He enjoyed our relationship because it was easy and comfortable, but he wouldn't put much effort into it. We had sex a little over the summer, and were actually having sex more often as time went on, until in August he met a guy and stopped sleeping with me to see where things went with him. They're still dating now. They guy's really nice and pretty attractive (and reminds me a little of myself...) and I'm glad my ex is happy, but it does hurt he moved on so damn fast. Within a few weeks he was sleeping with a guy semi regularly and would probably have dated him if the guy had agreed (I'm glad he didn't He wasn't attractive and didn't have much for a career). I think there's some deeper issue in my ex. He was with his ex before me for a year and a half and they had broken up only a few months before he and I met. He was with me for almost four years and he's with another guy within three months and had another guy he was interested in in less than a month. He's definitely a serial monogamist. He's so laid back that he can make a relationship work with pretty much anyone else who's laid back. He obviously prefers to be in a relationship and doesn't seem too picky. Idk. I do miss being with him, but I'm not going to rush into a relationship to fill the void. My ex and I still live together and it still is hard. In some ways, he's like family. It's not like we had sex very much before we broke up anyway and we didn't fight or anything when we broke up. I do with I could be more affectionate though. I'd be nice to cuddle, or kiss him or have sex again. Sometimes it's hard not to resent his new boyfriend.
     I still talk to the guy who (not his fault) broke us up. I met him just a few nights after the presidential election at an LGBT grad student social. He goes to another nearby university. He's really awkward and nerdy, but his face is just my type and he has fantastic junk (big low hangers and a big uncut dick). We talked on facebook for a while and I was looking forward to just being a fwb with him, but when we did finally meet up and hang out one on one, I at least was instantly head over heels for him. We saw each other every week or two for three or four months, eventually saying "I love you" shortly before things were called off. I was completely smitten, though also still cared deeply for my ex. It was a kind of awful few months, with so much uncertainty and guilt. Eventually I asked my crush out and he said no. He seemed to think that would be the end of it, that'd I'd just go back to my ex. But the damage was done. I couldn't just get back with my ex after how things had gone down. We hung out after that some. A few months later, he'd been giving me mixed signals (no matter what he said denying it, I'm pretty sure he still had feelings for me at that point), and he turned me down again. We stopped talking for a couple months after that, but started again in Nov, about one year after we had first met. Soon after that he developed a huge crush on a guy that wasn't reciprocated, followed by another. He's also kind of a serial monogamist I think. A couple months ago he got into a new relationship. He told me at the beginning the other guy was into him more than he was into the other guy, but I think he was hurt an lonely after two crushes turned him down (they didn't do it straight forward though and hooked up with him for a while first), and he really wanted to be in a relationship. So he agreed to date this guy, and I guess they're going strong. Like my ex, my crush is also pretty laid back and I suspect he'll hold onto this relationship for a long time. It kind of sucks that both my ex and this guy jump into things so fast. It really kind of makes what I had with each of them feel cheaper and less significant. I still love both of them, even though I don't know that I could date either of them. I do wish I could be at least a little intimate with them however. Hookup or cuddle once in a while even if there's no commitment. If I ever do have a serious relationship again, I think friends and exes will still be fair game to hook up with once in a while. I can't stand in the way of bonds that pre-date me. I will never have a completely open relationship again though. Once burned, twice shy.
     In that vein, I definitely was kind of in love with the Asian guy from back where I did undergrad. In fact, we said I love you to each other last time I saw him (around Christmas). So that's three guys in my life I've said I love you to romantically. I still feel bad he hasn't dated anyone and hasn't really even hooked up since I've moved away. I actually had a threesome with him and another guy at Christmas (it was the only way we had a place to actually hook up). If I had to rate them on a scale, I'd say my crush on this guy was a 4 or 5, my crush on my ex was a 7 when we started dating, and the other guy was like a nine - the strongest crush I've ever had (I didn't go completely crazy when shit went down, no stalking or phone calls etc, but I still think about him a lot over a year later). I don't know what it is about him that drives me so crazy. Shrug.
     I've hooked up some over the past year, but I've actually been off Grindr and the other apps more than I've been on them. There was one guy back in March I think we both had a small crush on each other, but there were a few reasons I'd have been hesitant to date him, but he kinda broke things off anyway (he also still had feelings for his ex). (Side note: I was talking with the big crush guy a couple months ago and I mentioned that I never actively seek dates/relationship. I'd much rather approach stuff casually to start. He said he gets on the dates with the express purpose of getting off them again as fast as possible. So many people want a relationship so bad. Idk, I ahve mixed feelings about that, but it kind of leaves a bad taste in my mouth.) There was a guy with a big crush on me around Christmas. I stopped hanging out with him because he obviously wasn't going to be able to just be friends. I recently tried to hang out with him again recently, after not talking for 6 months, but he seemed to jump right back on, so shrug. There's a guy who is actually the only guy I've had sex with the last couple months, but I'm not interested in him. He's nice, cute, and ok to fool around with, but I just don't feel a spark with him. He kind of hinted at the beginning that he was interested, but I haven't really gotten that from him recently, even though we've still been hanging out. It seems I don't have too much trouble finding interested people, but I'm still just not in any place for a relationship yet. Though I am slowly feeling closer and closer to that point.

God, this post is already long just talking about relationship stuff. The last year and a half has not been kind as far as love. The rest should be shorter, but I think I'm going to call this good for today and write more tomorrow or the day after.

One year

I can't believe its been a whole year since I last posted. I've been meaning to write something quick, but just never got around to it. I'm not sure most of the people who followed my blog even will see this, since a lot of their blogs dried up over the last couple years. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Blogger was a great way for me to work through my thoughts and meet people going through similar things as me. I'll probably still try and write things on here once in a while, but I wouldn't think it'll be more than once a year. And don't be super surprised if there's never anything after this.
This is super long, so don't feel like you have to read the whole thing. Gay stuff is mostly the first part, and one bolded phrase.

So first things first: I'm still with my bf. We celebrated our 2 year anniversary almost 3 months ago. I started typing 2 months, and realized it had been even longer. This year is just flying. He had been applying to Peace Corps, and would have gone overseas with that last summer, but he was wait-listed and decided he wanted to move to grad school with me instead. More on grad school in a bit. I had mentioned in my last post that we were starting to do a little more with other guys. We really opened up our relationship, and for a while we were both using it. There were some threesomes, but also just guys each of us would sleep with. One guy I slept with a few times, plus a threesome together, got a little crazy on me. He was an international student and had a boyfriend back home he was cheating on (a lot. I was not the first guy he slept with in the US). He got really clingy really fast and started calling me his American boyfriend. So I had to shut him down. Which is a pity since he was pretty hot. The Asian guy I mentioned in my last post that we'd been sleeping with a lot continued over the summer when he was in town. I feel bad since he still hasn't slept with anyone so we're the only ones he's slept with in a year and a half or so. I think he fell for me/us and I'll admit I fell a little for him too. But he's back in the Midwest, a 15 hour drive away. He's a really sweet guy, and if he lived closer, I'd probably get a polyamory thing going. But I don't think its fair to try and encourage him to have feelings for me. Its a little cliche, but I'll be happy if he's happy. I hope he does find a nice guy closer to him that can be what he deserves. He was the main person my bf and I hooked up with all summer. Since we've moved for grad school in mid-August, I've hooked up with one person. It wasn't a great hookup, and I regret doing it. I still get on Grindr and Scruff a lot. I enjoy chatting with other guys and exchanging pics. But for the most part, I don't want to meet up with them. Even if they're attractive, its too much of a bother. I'd rather just be with my boyfriend. We don't have sex super often so I jack off a lot, but I actually don't mind. I would like to just delete the apps but part of what keeps me tied to them is the couple friends/people I have actual conversations with. I go on to talk to them and end up checking what other guys are around. I wish I could stop, but it's not causing an issue with the relationship, so I guess its OK.

Its not very different living together either. I usually spent a few nights a week at his place or him at mine anyway, and our last couple months, I was at his place 5 or 6 nights a week. I think that helped our move in. One of my friends also moved in with his (very attractive) boyfriend at the beginning of August and they only made it a month or two. But they also hardly ever stayed over with each other. I'm really not sure why they thought they were a good match. But oh well. They opened their relationship right before they broke up, and my bf and I have made it beyond that point haha. We didn't open our relationship to fulfill something that wasn't getting met in the relationship. I think that helps. Living together, we've kept our routine of often just doing our own things in the evening. Now that we have our own place we're not always in the same room, which I miss a little. I liked being on my computer while he was on his. I still feel a little neglected sometimes, but I also know if I really need someone, like my anxiety is acting up or whatever, he'll be there as soon as his game is done (he mostly plays team games, so he can't just drop them.) I do more of the paying for things and he takes care of more of the cleaning, though we split cooking pretty well. The reason for this is that I work full time with class/lab, while he is only working part time at a non-profit. We also got 2 cats (one was from my parents and moved with us, and the other was a stray his coworkers found at work), which he mostly takes care of. His current plan is to try to go to law school next fall or the year after, so he's been working on studying for the LSAT some. He took it once and got an average score, with honestly not too much studying, so I'm sure he can do better if he can avoid playing computer games. If he does go to law school, after he would want to continue working for non-profits, helping people. He find that sort of work very rewarding. I'm really glad he moved with me. I lot of drama was going on this year in his family, with his mom breaking her hip, his dad divorcing his step mom, his sister having anxiety/depression so bad it was interfering with her work, his grandparents getting ill. I think he feels kind of guilty that he's not there to help out, but I don't think its fair for them to dump all their problems on him. I think its better for him to just offer his support through phone calls and they can also rely on each other, not just him. His family really makes me appreciate my own. Mine is so normal.

So last winter I went on 4 interviews for grad school (I got rejected from 1 place straight up). Two were in the Midwest and were only three hours away or so from where I was. The other two were on the East Coast. I got into three of the schools I interviewed at. One, the people were super nice, but there weren't that many professors I was interested in working with (except one super nice one who studied interesting things) (there was also a cute gay grad student at that interview, but he was already taken haha. I didn't hook up on any of my interviews). One I liked the school, but it was in a major city on the East Coast. I hated it. It wasn't as bad as NYC, which pisses me off in a few hours, but after two days there for interviews, I was in a bad mood. I also got stuck in Chicago flying back due to snow. My third interview I actually roomed with another guy from my school, which was a crazy coincidence (they assign rooms, so maybe not a coincidence haha). This was also on the East Coast where I ended up going. It is a pretty good school, interesting research, though maybe not as interesting as the second, and a much more laid back feel. People here consider it part of the South, but since its on the ocean I call it East Coast (the state is on the ocean, not the school). The last place was OK, but I was mildly sick during the interview, so I'm sure I didn't shine very much, and I didn't get an offer there (though they are also notorious for filling up all their slots before they've even interviewed everyone). I drove to that one with the guy I roomed with at the third one and we were assigned as roommates again! He's a nice guy, but very nerdy. I actually don't like talking about science or math all the time like some people. So yeah that's how I chose my school. My supervisor for my year long internship had a connection with the area so she was super excited. She's such a sweet lady, I wish I had enjoyed her project more. It was good experience though. I got to see the interview process from the other side. The boss boss was being kind of weird about my supervisors choices for candidates. He didn't talk to them himself for the most part. I really think he should give her more autonomy. They have kind of a fucked up relationship. But she can't mind it too much if she keeps working there. They had a very nice going away party for me, and I really did like my  coworkers. I had a month off from work before I had to move, two of which were spent at my parent's since my lease was up. I told both my parents (separately) that I was dating a guy by waiting for them to ask me how I was getting to my new place. They both took it calmly though a little awkwardly, and have just ignored it for the most part. Which is ok, not a bad reaction overall. My mom has asked me a few questions. I think she's more bothered by the fact that I'm not religious, honestly. My bf also came out to his dad late spring/early summer, so I got to meet him and my bf's step mom right before they divorced.

Grad school is going OK. I hate having to take classes again, I much prefer just being in lab. Luckily my program isn't too focused on classes, As long as you put in a moderate effort, you'll pass. They're much more concerned with lab work, which is good. I think it's safe to say that if you make it to a PhD program, you can go out and learn things from your field on your own instead of in class format. The first year of grad school, some science programs have you work choose a few labs that you may be interested in working in and spend a few weeks to months in them. In the end, you hope you've found a lab you can be happy working in for 4+ more years. It also depends on whether the professor has funding to support a grad student, and lots of other things, so it can be a little nerve-wracking. I'm currently in my second rotation, and I like it a whole helluva lot more than my first lab. I think I could be happy here. I'm back to working with zebrafish, like I did my senior year of college, which I enjoy. I also just like the atmosphere and people in the lab more. I sometimes feel like I'm not spending as much time in lab as a lot of my cohort (kids in my program in my year), and that was definitely true in my first lab. But this lab, I feel like I have more to do and a lot more certainty of how to go about things.

My cohort is pretty good. We're pretty small, only 6 total. Some of the upper years (started off) 2 or 3 times that size. Three of them live together, and they're ok. I usually enjoy my conversations with them, and we all hang out every few weeks. One of the guys is foreign and is really hard to understand sometimes. I think he stays quieter than he would back home because of that. He's an OK guy, but is very absorbed in his work and doesn't socialize as much. The last guy hangs out at our apartment multiple times a week. He's fun to do stuff with, like go to movies (along with one of our neighbors who is a second year in another program and gets along with the bf well), go out to eat, or just stay in and watch stuff. The weird thing is, he has a bunch of gay friends (he's been to the LGBT group on campus, I haven't), was in a gay frat in college (he claimed not to know it was gay til after he joined), and has 2 gay brothers, one older one younger. I believe he is attracted to women and has said explicitly before that he's straight, but every once in a while (like kind of often) he says something that really makes you question his sexuality. I try not to read into it, and I don't want to do anything to ruin our friendship. But its also a little frustrating to have a straight boy almost teasing you or something. There are a few gay guys in my program in the upper years. Two of them are copresidents of the LGBT group, and one of those two is my next door neighbor by a crazy coincidence. I don't intend to do anything with him though cuz it seems incestuous to mess around with people inside the program (though that's not stopping some pining on a second year I hang out with some for a girl in my cohort and the "straight" guy for another girl in my cohort).

I stopped antidepressants over a year ago. My depression hasn't been very bad, but my anxiety has been pretty bad. I try not to diagnose myself, but no one form of anxiety quite describes what I have. The categories are probably pretty artificial anyway though. I was thinking about starting some therapy, and talked to the university's counseling center. They only offer short term counseling so the guy was going to give me a list of people he thought would be good for me off campus, but I never heard back from him. I could try and find someone on my own, but I really don't know how to tell if someone would be a good fit, and also it's pretty expensive. I could find someone that works with my insurance, but even then. I should work on doing more mindfulness exercises, which help with my anxiety pretty reliably, but I never remember and it's hard to do sometimes when you're really anxious. But overall, I'm in a pretty good place right now, enjoying lab, enjoying living with my bf, and enjoying the people I know (though I do miss my friends in the Midwest. And our Asian definitely-strings-attached fuck buddy).

So yeah, like I said, that was long. I actually started this yesterday, but finished it today. I'm flying back home this afternoon for a week for the holiday. My boyfriend is staying here by himself, but so is our "straight" friend, so they're planning on spending Christmas together (me and my boyfriend celebrated Thanksgiving here also instead of home. We went to one of the girls in my cohort's place). I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season. Any questions about stuff I mentioned (or didn't) feel free to ask. Happy winter solstice (the 22nd).

Another random update

Hello-
I didn't even look how long it's been since I last posted anything on here (insert comment about how I'm sure no one reads this here). Less than a year, but definitely more than half a year I think? Anyway. So let's get to it.


School/career:
I graduated last May with a triple major and highest honors. However, I was too lazy to apply to grad schools last fall and planned instead to take a year off. After getting rejected from a couple jobs and internships, I stumbled on one that was perfect. It was (is) an "internship" but it was for a full year instead of for a summer. It was designed for students who are taking a year after undergrad before going on to whatever. There is a definite skew in the lab towards medical school over grad school, but the lady who hired me has a PhD and I think she liked the idea of a young person she could give grad school advice to instead of all the pre-med students. The work is OK. It's definitely been good for me to have a full time job. It probably is a good thing for me to have done before grad school, especially this lab job. It's really shown me what it's like to do research full time. It has also shown me I do need to go on and get my degree so I can have more autonomy in choosing what I research. At the moment I have no say and I don't find what we're studying super interesting, but it's ok and I'm over halfway done as is. While it probably is good for me to be working full time, part of me is kinda mad at myself for not going right to grad school. I feel a little left behind with all my friends doing various kinds of graduate/professional schools. Most of them are still at the same college (the job is on my undergrad college; I didn't even change apartments) so I can still see them, which is nice though.
Grad school applications were due Dec 1st and I've already heard back from 3 places offering me an interview. I'm still waiting on 2 places, but I know one isn't sending out interview offers until the Monday after New Year's. That's the place I'm most likely to get rejected from I think and thus is of course the one I really want the answer from and have to wait. I have a pretty strong application though I think and should hopefully get at least an interview everywhere I applied. I really don't know where I want to go, so I'm hoping the visits/interviews will clear that up. It seems too long to wait to have another 3 months until I can decide where I'm going next fall. In the meantime while I wait to hear back from the last two places I'm just going to try and enjoy the undergrads being gone for break and no longer (until next semester) tutoring a few hours after already working a full day a couple evenings a week.


Dating/gay stuff: (and some personal stuff thrown in)
I'm still dating the same guy. We celebrated our one year at the end of February (*edit: September. No idea why I wrote Feb). We're still pretty casual how we go about things. We eat out together a lot because we're too lazy to cook, watch some stuff together, but also do our own things. I'll watch something or bum around on the internet while he plays his online multiplayer computer games. Sometimes I feel a little neglected (like tonight) since I can't even really make comments to him because he has headphones on to talk to his teammates. He's a little distant a lot of the time, though I probably can be too sometimes. We just kind of deal with it. I still find myself missing him after a few days of not seeing him and I do enjoy hanging out despite how much we see each other. If that's not a good basis for a relationship, Idk what is.
I stopped antidepressants a few months ago. The discontinuation side effects were horrid, but I'm glad I did stop them for the most part. My anxiety was acting up really really badly for a while (like constant irregular heartbeat anxiety) and the pills weren't helping that at all (it mostly went away on its own, just some random flare-ups). I have had a few down spells since stopping the pills, but that's outweighed by the biggest perk of stopping. I was still a virgin when I started the pills (besides fooling around with a guy in jr. high) so I really couldn't tell if I was having sexual side effects. I was. Stuff just straight up feels better and I don't have as much trouble finishing. I don't think I'll ever go on antidepressants again. I could try another type to see if that one didn't give me sexual side effects, but that would still involve restarting the pills first. I'm not sure which was worse, stopping or starting them. Both were unpleasant.
The boyfriend and I have opened things up a little. We've had several more threesomes this fall after going a year without doing any. We've also each fooled around with one or two guys individually without each other. Neither of us are the jealous type so it works out. I get on Grindr a lot to talk to friends, check out guys, maybe get some pics. Threesomes are a possibility from there (or I guess just me), but haven't really happened. They may in the future but who knows. There is one guy in particular we have a lot of threesomes with. He's a guy I hooked up with a while back. He's Asian, skinny, adorable, loves to cuddle and kind of lonely. He goes to school in a different town, but his parents live here, so we get together on breaks. He's in town at the moment for Winter break, and it's always fun to hang with him. He's very vocal about what he likes. Me and the bf both like him. I honestly think if he lived here some sort of threeway dating thing would happen. I'm pretty sure he likes us, which is sweet, but it would be better for him if he could find someone back at school. :/ Oh well, that's something for him to figure out. I'll be happy to hang out with him as long as he wants. Other notable threesomes include the very well endowed ripped guy I lost my virginity to, and a middle aged man with lots of cats who we found out after is HIV positive. We were safe, he has an undetectable virus load (he's had it for over 20 years and has it well under control) and we've been tested since then, but that was a little irritating he didn't tell us. He doesn't tell people because often they aren't comfortable sleeping with him. He omits it so he can get laid and doesn't let the people decide if they want the (very small) risk. Though he is very up front if you ask, so I guess it's also people's fault if they don't ask first.


That's about all I can think of to say. My life is pretty boring outside of work. I usually just sit around at home on the internet when I don't have to tutor. I should get out more, but part of that is the season. It's cold out and it's dark by the time I'm off work. So let me know if you have any questions and I'll answer them. I'll probably update again either when I make decisions about grad school or when my one year job is over in May or June. Until then, I hope everyone has a good holiday season and a good start to the new year.

Back briefly

Hello-


So I just wanted to give an update on what I've been doing. I'm still dating the same guy. That makes it almost 8 months now. Things are still just continuing on how they were before pretty much. We hang out and just enjoy each others company a couple nights a week. We don't try super hard and its nice to be able to just relax around each other. He's applying for the Peace Corps so if he gets in there he'll be gone for a year or two overseas, but I'm also going to be applying for grad schools this fall and don't know where I'm going to end up about a year from now. So I'm not sure where our relationship is heading or if it will be long, long term, but we're just enjoying it for now and we'll deal with that when it comes up. I mentioned in the last post getting bored sleeping with just one guy. That's actually gotten better since then, even though we haven't set up a threesome or anything. I'm not actually sure at this point if we actually will any time soon. We'll just have to see.


I'm also officially a college graduate now. I graduated with a bunch of accomplishments and I'm generally pleased with how my undergraduate experience was. There are some things I could have done better at or more of, but I did better than a lot of people while doing harder things. I got a research job on campus that's only for a year. The position is designed for students who have just graduated and will be applying for grad schools for the next year, so it's pretty much perfect for me. I wish there was a slightly different focus to the research, but it will be good experience regardless. I still need to figure out where I'm going to apply this fall for next year, but I'm not in a huge rush yet. I just should start looking a little though. It's also nice to be staying around for a year because a lot of my friends also graduated and are going in to programs at our school, so they'll still be around to hang out with.


So generally, things are looking up. I still have a ways to go before I'm done with school and need to figure out exactly what I'm doing for the next step, but I'm sure it will all work out.

Random Post

     So I'm in a sort of agitated mood tonight. It's a little hard to describe but it's kind of a mix between frustration, boredom, and depression. Basically it makes me not want to sit down anywhere and just run around crazy. But it's cold out, or else I totally would just go for a walk. My boyfriend is hanging out at his place tonight, which he's been doing more the last week or so. Even though it probably has most to do with him working full time again, you always have that little self doubting part in the back of your mind whispering "Is he losing interest?" Some of that questioning also comes from my own urges. I know that I have mixed feelings about not having done anything sexual with anyone besides him in months. I do enjoy being close to him and being comfortable with him. But at the same time, you can't help but notice other guys when you're out and about and have the urge to sleep with them. My boyfriend would be ok with a threesome, but the friend I would like to set one up with (me and my boyfriend have had a threesome with him before, but that was before we were officially dating) works full time and it's hard to find time that works for all of us. You people probably don't want to read about my sex life, but it's my blog :P haha. I don't know if anybody (of my very few followers) is in a relationship, but any advice you could give me about relationships and dealing with these kinds of insecurities/feeling would be welcome. So yeah that's part of the reason I'm kinda fidgety tonight.
     Another reason I'm in my mood tonight is because I was arguing with my sister earlier. I'm a very logical person by nature and I can't help but change my views after arguing with someone/looking at them from a new perspective/gaining new information. It's just sort of happened as I've grown up. I don't like to admit I'm wrong, and the mulling over after the argument/self examination/learning whatever isn't really fun. So that's part of it. However, my sister used the "I'm not going to convince you, and you're not going to convince me" line during the argument. That bothers me, that my mind keeps replaying my views and "tweaking" them (a large contribution to my unsettled feelings this evening) and I have no reason to believe she's taking any notice of my views. This is a large reason why I hate arguing with people. I pretty much never have my views entirely changed, but I at least end up looking at them in a new way. However, I'm always convinced the other person isn't doing that after the argument. Of course they very may well be. I have no idea what's going on in their heads. I probably came off just as stubborn and inflexible and unreasonable in my views as they did during the argument. Which also makes me disappointed in myself, yet another source of my mood this evening. If any of you were wondering what the argument was about, I'll just say I'm a minimalist in many areas: belongings, surroundings, social views, world views, what scientific (both natural and social) research should be funded. I like things simple and not over crowded most of the time. Occasionally I do get the urge for a loud, noisy, busy place (it's rare), and those places are perfectly possible to find. It's harder to get time to yourself. If nothing else, I end up on the internet, a place just as loud and full of other people as the physical world (if not more so). That or I end up on blogs with sexy pics (damn you tumblr! lol).
     That's probably not the best, clearest, or most concise way to go over my issues for the evening, but I thing typing this has definitely helped. It's good to put my thoughts and feelings into words and work through them that way. Of course that's why I started this blog in the first place. I haven't needed it in a while, but it can still serve its purpose. Hope everyone has a good evening, week, month, or however long it is until I post again. Who know. 'Til then.

Update

Just thought I'd write on here what I've been up to lately. It's been a long time since I posted and I'm not really planning on getting back into posting regularly. But anyway. So, big thing first, I'm seeing someone. We met a couple of months ago, and started hanging out a lot and decided to make things official about a month and a half ago. He's a couple years older than me and not in school anymore, but he's thinking of going back for grad school sometime soon. He's really shy and likes computer games and movies. He's a really big movie buff. Also I'm now out to both my sisters. My little one took it a lot better than my older one, but that was expected. School's been going OK. I have busier semesters for my last two than my class load last spring, but it shouldn't be too bad. I'm really looking forward to being done with school for a little bit. My current plan is to take a year off before graduate school. I still think getting a Ph.D. and teaching is what I want to do with my life. I also decided over the summer to start an honors project so I can graduate with Honors in biology. It's 8 more hours I have to fit into my last 2 semesters, but I like being back in a lab again. I like the professor in my lab and the other undergraduate student also in there. I'm doing three hours of research this semester and have to do three more and take a class next semester. My project involves developmental biology and zebrafish if that means anything to anyone. My depression still remains very manageable and I'm still on antidepressants. This is the first semester in college I haven't had a class with Vee. It's kind of weird seeing so little of her. She's super busy with work and projects and applying for schools. I usually just see her once every week or two. We actually decided to grab dinner together tonight. Another person I've been hanging out with is a girl who had a thing with my freshman year roommate. I hadn't talked to her in a long time, but she was in two of my classes last spring and we have two more together this fall. She's fun to hang out with and study with once in a while. I guess I don't have anything else I want to talk about on here right now. I didn't really have any super close followers, but if anyone has something they're wondering about, feel free to ask.

Oh, last thing. It snowed today, a decent amount for the first bit of snow for the year. I'm sick of winter already haha. Hope everyone else is staying warm.
-Cheers

2-10-2013

                So once again, it’s been about two weeks since I posted. My last post was written when my depression/anxiety was acting up, and writing about it really helped me a lot. I pretty much got over being depressed for the rest of that week. I can’t think of anything exciting that really happened the first week since my last post. School was pretty straight-forward and I don’t think I did anything that weekend. This last week was more interesting. I hung out with Corny on Monday night. We talked for a while and then ended up fooling around. It was fun. I honestly enjoyed the talking more than the fooling around. I really am kinda starved for human interaction sometimes. For some reason, my depression decided to kick in in the middle of the week. It wasn’t super bad. When I’m only moderately depressed, I’m a huge downer to talk to (lots about death and doom) but I’m not truly suicidal. Days when I’m really depressed and think about suicide (I really more have “thoughts of suicide” than being truly suicidal. I think of ways to kill myself and about death a lot, but I don’t actually intend to go through with it) I just withdraw from the world. I don’t want to talk, all I want to do is be by myself or sleep to forget everything. So if I’m talking and being super depressing, that’s actually a good sign, since then I’m not at my worst. That’s important because Corny and I went out for drinks Thursday. I was still slightly depressed and even though I only had about 3 drinks, I got a little buzzed/tipsy and then I was alternating between having a good time and being very morbid in our conversation. It certainly taught me a lesson about drinking when I’m even slightly depressed. I feel bad for Corny, because I definitely was not a fun person to hang around that night. I’ve been told I can be kinda scary when my issues start acting up like that. I got sick of my emotions bouncing back and forth like they were, so I took some of my tranquilizers and went home and to bed.

                The next day (Friday), I had an appointment with Dr. H. I told her I’d been pretty good since I’d last seen her except for the couple days of moderate depression during the week. She said she’s keeping the idea of screwing with my prescriptions (either up the dose or add a second, like a mood-stabilizer) in the back of her mind and keep her updated about my ups and downs. I’m still having more ups than downs, though, which is nice. So that night I texted Anneh, Vee, and another friend trying to find something to do. They were all busy or out of town, so I was resigned to a night in, but then Nite texted me. I ended up stopping by one bar where Vee was to wish Bat a happy birthday (he turned 21 on Wednesday) and then met up with Nite. I had one drink with Bat, but I’d also hopped myself up on caffeine for the evening. I didn’t end up having any drinks in the bar with Nite. The second bar was a lot of fun. I talked to Nite and this other kid (who actually has the same name and major as me) for hours, and then with Nite and his housemates for a bit. I ended up going back to Nite’s place with him and spent the night. We didn’t go all the way (he was pretty drunk) but we did sleep in the same bed. He gave me a ride home the next morning. I had a lot of fun. Just everything that night in general. It was really nice to know I could be friendly, talk to people, and enjoy myself in a bar without drinking. Of course later in the day on Saturday, my anxiety started acting up, telling me I’d made a fool of myself. It’s still whispering in the back of my mind, but I really hope I get to hang out with Nite again. Between my anxiety and being a little short on sleep, I didn’t feel like doing anything Saturday night, even though Corny invited me somewhere. It is really nice to be invited somewhere. Even if I don’t take them up on it, people asking me to hang out really helps with my anxiety/depression.

                So this is long enough. There is some stuff I could talk about with Vee, but I’ll just summarize and say that I think we’re both a little on each other’s nerves (I especially think this after she had a mini snap at me Saturday). So I guess it’s time to avoid her for a little bit. Sometimes we need our space from each other, but we always start talking again in the end. I hope everyone else is having a good week and has a good Valentine’s Day. Until next time.

#17

A reality: I’m stressed

I have been really depressed the last week or so. I don’t know why. It’s really starting to weigh on me, being depressed so much. I need to get out and do something and forget about stuff. Except it’s not like I haven’t been having fun. Wednesday night I hung out with Vee and we talked for a long time. It cheered me up and I had a good time. Friday was a lot of fun, first with Vee and Shield (Vee’s friend from Friday), and then with Corny and Nite (the other gay guy). Part of what’s getting to me is my social anxiety. Dr. H diagnosed me with depression, rather than anxiety (though I’m pretty sure I have both). Vee tends to get sick of people, and I’m always worried and looking for signs that she wants space from me. My mind yells at me that she’s only hanging out with me because she feels sorry for me since I have so few friends besides her. I don’t logically think this is true, but I can’t get rid of the part of me that whispers that in the back of my mind. Another example of my social anxiety is my worry over Corny and Nite. I had a really good time with them and the other people that were there. However, I can’t foresee me initiating anything in the future. I can’t think of a good way to ask people to hang out. I worry that they were just being nice and I was actually a downer to hang out with. Most of these thoughts and fears hit a couple days after hanging out with new people. I have a day or so to be happy I had fun, and then my mind just takes away all the pleasure, saying it wasn’t real, it’s all in just me. I was a burden to the other people. I should never inflict them with my presence again. I don’t know why my social anxiety has gotten so much worse since I came to college. I made a couple new friends just fine freshman year. After that though, I’ve barely made any, and none near as close. My friends keep moving or drifting away, so I’m left with pretty much just Vee. I’m so sick of worrying what people think of me. Alcohol isn’t even a fool proof cure anymore, as I’ve gotten more used to drinking since my 21^st birthday. I really think being out with people more often would help my depression, but I lack the necessary number of friends to hang out with a variety of people and my anxiety isn’t letting me make any new ones.

Another part of what’s getting to me is the vast amount of free time I have. I have little to do and I’m completely bored on the internet. Despite that, I still find myself unable to do the little amount of work I do have. It makes me disgusted with myself and I really don’t need any more self-hate right now. The counselor I saw very briefly said I really need to learn to like myself more, but it’s hard. A large part of my social anxiety may be caused by my own dislike- if I don’t like me, why would I think other people would. Or perhaps my social anxiety is causing some of my self-dislike- I don’t think other people like me, therefore I must be a worthless, irritating person.

Yet another part is the whole gay thing. Part of it is I’m sick of checking out guys constantly just walking down the sidewalk. It’s natural, every guy does it (just with girls mostly), but I find it irritating. I want to stop. I just don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to deal with it. I think part of the reason I don’t want to deal with it is because I hate the ideas of what-ifs. Which also brings me to another thing that’s bothering me: all the gay guys I’ve met lately. Most of them sleep around a ton, are complete wrecks, and just aren’t that fun to be around. However, I’m still attracted to them. More so just because they’re gay. If a guy is gay, I’m instantly more interested in him than I would be if he were a straight guy. It’s because the possibility of sleeping with them actually exists. I tried fooling around with Josh last semester. I wasn’t nervous at all, probably partially because I’d done stuff with Ler (I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned him before, and if I did, what I called him) years ago. Josh commented that I didn’t act like it was my first time. People say your first time isn’t really as much fun, just because you’re nervous, awkward, and uncomfortable with the person. Josh was just a random guy, and the stuff with Ler was different. I should have been all those things. But I wasn’t. And even though I wasn’t out of my comfort zone, it wasn’t that much fun. It was kind of hot. It sort of felt good. But that was it. It was barely better than jacking off. And I don’t think it was that Josh didn’t know what he was doing. I just really don’t find fooling around with a random person that much fun. I want to like the person first. Josh was very nice. We talked for an hour or so both of the times we met up, but I just didn’t feel a connection to him. He just didn’t have a personality I would be good friends with. I don’t know how all these other gay guys can constantly sleep with different people. Don’t get me wrong, I see the urge. It’s biological. The urge to sleep with as many different people as possible, to try them all. I feel that, and it gets hard to ignore sometimes (hence Josh). However, I don’t think sleeping around a bunch would make me feel better in the long run. It would get rid of my immediate desires, but so does jacking off.

Going back, I truly hate what-ifs. What if I had slept with him and we hit it off? What if I talked to that guy and it turned out he was gay? So seeing all these random guys on the street give me one kind of problem. First, I have to fight and suppress my (biological/impossible/irritating) desire to sleep with all the hot guys I see. Second, I have to deal with the impossible what-ifs. Nothing would have ever happened. But what if it had? The gay guys I’ve met are a slightly different sort of stress inducer. They’re even harder to suppress my desire to sleep with. This is especially bad when I’m drunk. I’ve learned I can’t be drunk around gay guys unless there’s someone I don’t want to come out to around (then I can keep my mouth shut). Otherwise, I tend to get a little suggestive. Luckily, nothing’s ever come of my drunken comments. However, the possible what-ifs are even worse than the impossible ones. It’s harder to just say, “Fine, I’m never going to sleep with that guy. That’s a good thing.” My imaginings of other gay guys always involve a relationship. I can’t envision/fantasize about sleeping with someone without some sort of exclusivity either preceding or resulting (though, as I found with Josh I can do it in real life). And that’s just not what a lot of gay guys want. They can sleep with whoever they want: it’s none of my business who they sleep with, and if they have fun, good for them. I like hearing their stories about stuff like that. But it’s not for me. That’s another stress that comes from meeting gay guys. I don’t want to end up like most of them: in their own little gay world. Yeah, I want gay friends, but I want normal gay friends who can have a group of straight/bi/transgender/whatever people and not have it be about anything other than that those people are fun to hang out with. Who wants to only talk to people similar to you? Yes, it’s good to find someone you can relate to and share experiences, but it’s also good to be able to learn new things. Your personalities have to get along, but they don’t have to match. That’s part of the reason I had so much fun hanging out with Corny and Nite on Friday. Yes, they’re gay. But they both act normal, and there were plenty of other “normal” (in quotes because a lot of people think the bar we were at has a weird vibe and don’t like it. I personally loved it) people there that were also fun to talk to. Those two guys, they talked about how they rejected a lot of gay stereotypes. A lot of Vee’s friends embrace them. They can embrace them, good for them. Live how they want. But it’s not for me, and I find it difficult to relate to people who do act like that.

Basically, I have to conclude that being gay is a stress in my life. Almost more so, now that I’m starting to come out and get more in touch with my gay side and other gay guys. It was really actually easier to repress it. But it wouldn’t be easier to go back to repressing it. I just have to hope I find a way to deal with all the stresses of being gay, depression, and social anxiety, or else I’m either going to have a miserable life or a short one. Oh, well. Fuck reality.

I really didn’t mean to write this much. I started this as just a little thing I was going to write for myself and never publish. Just a way to try to deal with a little of my depression by expressing it. I’m still kinda hesitant about posting this. Two big reasons stand out: One of the people I mentioned in this reads this blog, and this is also a very personal post. It’s been a while since I’ve written trying to get so many problems out at once. I think that may be to my detriment, since self-reflection is a good thing. I am going to post this, however. Maybe someone who stumbles across my blog feels something similar. Maybe they will feel better that they’re not the only person who questions themselves and others like this or struggles with depression and anxiety. I think this is a good post to get off my chest. Hope it’s not too depressing for you. It’s also been a really long time since I’ve done a “fuck reality” post. I guess one was due-ish, even if I didn’t sit down intending to write one. Anyway, I hope everyone has a good week! I actually do feel kinda better after writing this.

1-26-13 part 2

     So Friday (last) night, Vee and I decided to go out to the bars with one of her other friends. The bar was really quiet when I got there, but it got pretty busy as the night went on. There were a bunch of pool tables in the bar and one of the guys playing near us was really hot lol. Vee's friend is a kinda odd guy. He lived on the same floor as us freshman year (he was a sophomore) and he kinda strikes you as gay when you meet him. However, he's never come out to Vee, but when we got drunk, we were all kinda discussing guys. So we'll see if he ends up coming out soon or something. He hung out with his roommate later in the evening, so Vee and I went back to her place. She was being kinda lame. She was texting a guy, trying to get him to sleep with her. She didn't want to go anywhere and wasn't talking much.
      So a little context for this next part. Last semester, right before finals week, I met a guy online, and it turned out we had been in a (small) class together for the entire semester. We didn't get a chance to talk in person, but did continue talking on facebook etc. So anyway, this guy invited me to hang out with him and some friends at another bar. Vee didn't want to go, so I went by myself. I actually hadn't been in either of the bars I went to last night, but I liked them both. So I've decided to call the guy from my class Corny (because of the lab he works in). So I went to the bar where Corny et al were, and it was actually a lot of fun. Usually I'm super awkward around new people, but the people were easy to talk to. Besides Corny and me, there was one other gay guy. Us three ended up talking for a while, and it was really fun. It was my first long conversation with other gay guys who knew I was gay (besides Jorge, but we didn't talk about anything gay-related the one time we met). Last night was the first time I'd stayed at a bar late enough for last call (I only had one drink at the second bar. I was trying to start slowly sobering up at that point). It was kinda funny that I liked these two guys (as friends) a lot more than any of the gay guys I've met through Vee (except maybe the one we had been drinking with earlier, if he actually is gay). Hopefully I'll hang with the people I met last night again sometime.
      So, yeah, that was my week. I have a very small amount of homework to do this weekend. Other than that, it's going to be difficult to keep myself busy. I hope everyone else is having good luck in whatever they're doing (work, school, nothing). Until next time.

1-26-13

So I'm still kinda drunk, so bear with me for this post lol.
So life's been a little interesting. Me and Lils came back Sunday. I ate supper with Vee and then we ended up eventually going to a party put on by a gay friend of hers. I didn't really like any of the guys there and all of my attempts at conversation kind of fell flat. Fortunately, Vee wasn't that impressed with the people there either so me and two of her friends went back to her place for a while. The rest of the week consisted of classes and a lot of alone time. I don't have many classes this semester, so I get really bored and sit alone in my room. Tuesday, I actually went the whole day without talking to anybody, besides answers in class and saying hi to a couple of people on the sidewalk. I was kinda depressed on and off all week too, which was no fun. One of the nights I was depressed I deleted my accounts on the gay/dating sites I was on. I really don't miss them that much. I had a checkup with Dr. H Friday morning. She told me if I'm going to sit around and do nothing, at least go do it in a public place so I wasn't so isolated all the time. So I went and read a book in the Union later in the day. Also on Friday, I got on the same bus (with a pretty cute driver) four times over the course of the morning. Each of them was a complete coincidence. I hope the driver didn't recognize me. That'd be kinda awkward lol.
Yeah, fuck it. I'll continue this when I'm sober.

1-15-13

It’s been a couple weeks since I posted, but nothing exciting’s been happening. I haven’t been out of the house much but I’m actually less bored. I get used to sitting around doing nothing and I don’t get bored nearly as fast. That’s how I used to spend my summers in high school. Next year I’ll have an apartment in my college’s town, so I won’t have to sit around for all of winter break. Classes start one week from today. They start on a Tuesday because Monday is Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Me and Lils are heading back Sunday, so that will give us a day or two to relax before classes start. I’m looking forward to seeing people again and having unrestricted internet access. I’ve actually been having more time alone in the house the last week, so I’ve been able to get on some gay/dating sites to exchange some messages with people. I have to say, I’m really getting tired of the whole chatting-online thing. Plenty of the guys are nice, but I’ll probably never see them in person, so it just seems like a waste of time. I’ve said before that Vee has a lot of gay friends (she’s such a fag hag or fairy princess, whichever you want to call her) and I think I’m going to get her to introduce me to more of them. I’ll probably come out to them, since they don’t really know other people I do besides Vee and so there’s very little chance of the subject of my sexuality getting back to random people I know. I get a little irritated with super flamboyant guys (I have a more reserved personality) but Vee does too, so most of her friends are pretty normal. You can tell they’re gay, but it’s not a big deal. So yeah, my plans for this semester really consist of trying to find some gay guys I can be friends with (or at least hang out with without wanting to kill them). It seems like a doable goal. I hope everyone else is enjoying their time, whatever they may be doing (break, work, school). If any of you wanted a week of extra break, I would switch with you in a heartbeat. I’m definitely ready to get back to class. Until next time!

1-1-13

Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a wonderful 2012 and is looking forward to an even better year in 2013. One year closer to dying! JK. I’ve been a little off lately, especially in the evenings. Oh, well. Nothing too bad. Home continues to be boring. Christmas was fine with both sides of the family. I got drunk when my mom’s side of the family was over. They’re super conservative and stuck up, but they didn’t seem to be judging too hard. I’m such a happy, friendly drunk it’s hard to think anything bad about me I think. Sadly, that’s about all exciting that’s happened. Me and Lils had ice cream with Ex one afternoon. That was alright. Vee texted me saying that these two guys she knows and I sort of know are supposedly dating. One of them is gay, but the other one was straight or bi and closeted. The two guys were really good friends and were actually roommates last year. However, this is third hand information at best, and even if it’s true, I’m pretty sure the “straight” guy is only experimenting with a guy he’s really comfortable with. It does make me shake my head at Vee’s secret keeping abilities. She’s really bad. I’d actually guess that there’s about a 50% chance she’s told some other friends that I’m gay even though I asked her not to. Oh, well. They won’t bring it up unless I do. That’s just how they all are. And I don’t really see the people she’d have told much anyway.

                I’m so sick of break. A lot of people go back to school next week, but I don’t start until the 22^nd or something. It’s because my college offers winter classes, so break has to be long enough to fit those in. I really don’t need almost three full more weeks of break. I finally started working on a puzzle, which is a good and bad thing. I love working on puzzles, but I have a horrible time tearing myself away from them. I’ll say, “I should go do something.” Next thing I know, it’s half an hour later and I’m still working. This usually repeats about 4 times before I get around to doing what I intend to. Oh, well. Better than being bored out of my mind I suppose. Anyway, I hope everyone else had a wonderful week/New Year’s Eve, and has a wonderful time until I post again.

12-23-2012

                Happy Christmas Eve Eve. I have no idea when this will actually get posted, but I’m writing it on the 23^rd. I’ve been home for just over a week and nothing super exciting has happened. Obviously the world didn’t end on Friday. Finals week went fine. I didn’t stay super on top of my studying, mostly doing it the night before each test. I had four tests. They all went alright. I must have kicked ass on one of them, because I ended up with the highest grade in that class. My grades weren’t as good as past semesters since I was dealing with the whole depression/extreme procrastination, but they were perfectly respectable. I’m just super lucky, being really smart and everything just working out in my favor. Barry was in town on Thursday of finals week to take care of some stuff since he was graduating that Saturday. We went out to eat and talked and he spent the night in my room. I sort of came out to him, but we didn’t really talk about it, so he’s still a little in the dark about stuff. I knew he’d be OK with it, though, since his roommate the year I met him was bi. I was a little sad I couldn’t drink that Thursday night, since I had a test on Friday as well as an appointment with Dr. H and then I left right after my test. All my friends were done on Thursday so they were out together on that night. Oh, well. It was fun seeing Barry. I wish my mom had come to pick up me and Lils on Saturday so I could have had a night to screw around with Vee and Anneh and them Friday night.

                Home hasn’t been too exciting. I haven’t been able to hang out with high school friends yet. I did run into one friend while she was at work, so we got to talk a little bit. I’m hanging out with her and a group of other people next week sometime. I’ve read three books, watched a bunch of movies. I went to a couple movies in the theater with Mum and Lils. One of them was the Hobbit. It was alright, but I’m more a fan of the book. Mostly I’ve been sitting at home. We have way too many holiday snacks in the house, so I’m eating and sleeping way too much. My older sister is driving home tonight, so she should be home in a couple hours. I went to the mall with my dad when he was trying to find a gift for Mum. I saw a couple people I hadn’t seen in years walking around there, though none I knew enough to say hello (except my aunt and my cousin. Of course we talked to them.) One of the guys I saw got really hot. He’d always been sort of cute, but wow. It must have been a lot longer since I’d seen him than I realized, because he’d definitely grown. But as I could have predicted, nothing has really been happening with guys here at home. I’m really limited in internet privacy, so I can’t chat to any guys online, and since I’m in the house most of the day, I don’t even get to check out guys walking around. It makes it easier to forget about the whole gay thing. I’ve also noticed, however, that I’m less content here at home. It seems more restrictive. I’m thinking more about coming out to my parents. It’s still not going to be something I’m going to do in the immediate future, but it’s looking like it might happen a lot sooner than I would have thought if you’d have asked me a couple of months ago. I’ll just have to wait and see what happens. Anyway, I hope everyone has a good Christmas. It’s actually going to be a semi-white Christmas where I am (it snowed last Wednesday) if it doesn’t warm up in the next couple of days (our first white Christmas in a couple years. It usually waits until January to snow much).

Happy 12-12-12

Yep, that's pretty much it. I just wanted to say that since I just noticed that that was today. I love when numbers match up. Like when the DVD player says 1:23:45. Done with two of my finals, only two more to go!

12-8-12

So, not a super exciting week. It was the last week of classes and finals are next week. I haven’t been up to a lot. Josh randomly texted me earlier in the week, but nothing ended up happening out of that. I saw Jorge in the eating hall randomly. I thought that was weird because he’d told me that he’d never eaten in that eating hall in all his four years at college. I’m kinda confused why he’d just randomly decided to try it this week. I ate with my sisters Tuesday night and Vee last (Friday) night. I got a little tipsy with Vee since she was driving. I sobered up pretty quickly and hung out with her until she left to go to a party with one of her other friends. I wasn’t feeling drinking more and I’m not good at parties, so I decided to just go to bed. So yeah, that’s about it. Nothing really exciting happened at all. I haven’t met any guys, and it’s almost break. I’m definitely not going to meet anyone back home so I’m kinda getting ready to put everything on pause. I don’t know if I’ll get another post posted before I go home next Friday. As always when I’m at home, it’s a little random when I can post things, and it might not be when I write them (hooray greatly reduced internet access. Oh well. It’s kinda nice to have a forced reduction in computer time.) So yeah, that’s my life. I’m sick of the Christmas season already. Joy. Anyway, I hope everyone has a good week.

Also here’s a quote I heard the other day that I thought was hilarious:

“I'm in an abusive relationship with life. It keeps beating the hell out of me, and I'm too cowardly to leave it” – Homer Simpson

12-01-12

                Happy first of December! Thanksgiving break was pretty good. I didn’t get any homework done during it, but I did see some friends from high school. On Saturday I saw Ex for lunch with her and Lils. I went out for drinks that evening with one of my good friends from high school. He’d just turned 21 the week before. His license was expired by a week, so for some reason the bars wouldn’t accept it as proof of his identity. We ended up wandering around town drinking random places after stopping by a liquor store. Lils went to a movie with one of her friends that night. She drove me and my friend home that night after she was done with her friend. I was pretty hung over the next morning and puked a bunch. I told my parents I had some new scars and I had started meds. I got some creams from a dermatologist for some of my scars. I had lunch with a group of random friends/semi-friends on Wednesday. They were talking about some people from our class getting engaged. The friend I drank with on Saturday had actually gotten married this summer. Ex (who’s good friends with his wife) had been forbidden from telling me, and he had assumed Ex had told me. I don’t think they got married for the right reasons (financial convenience) and my friend’s parents don’t have a great record with long-lasting marriages. My friend did seem to be enjoying saying “my wife.” I do hope everything works out for him. Thanksgiving itself wasn’t too exciting on either side of the family. I came back to Iowa City on that Sunday. I had a quiz Tuesday. I didn’t get my paper that was due Friday even started, so that’s going to be turned in late on Monday. Vee and I went shopping on Friday evening. I got some clothes a lot different than I normally wear. I kind of spent a lot of money. Oh, well, the extra from my scholarships with cover it. I’m just kinda trying something new with myself. That’s kind of my solution to everything: Try something new. I like trying new things. Even if I don’t like the thing itself, it’s still and adventure trying it.

                I saw Jorge on Tuesday walking to class. I just kept my head down, so it wasn’t that awkward (for me at least), but now I’ve been thinking about Jorge all week. I really did like him. It’s been a month since we stopped talking, and I’ve over-thought everything that happened. I’m more confused about the whole situation than ever. As I’ve said before, even if Jorge and I didn’t end up getting together that way, it would have been nice having a masculine, closeted gay friend. Vee has a lot of gay friends, but I find most of them irritating. I wish I could just talk to Jorge again, see if things maybe could be smoothed over. I still haven’t found any guys on the website that I met Jorge on that are as much fun to talk to as he was. They’re all either all about sex, or they just aren’t interesting conversation. I really don’t know why I can’t get over Jorge, though. We didn’t talk that long, and I honestly don’t know that we would have been any good together. I think it’s because the way we stopped talking was just abrupt and gave no closure. I just hate being irrational like this. But like my counselor said, you can’t think away your feelings or ignore them. You just have to learn to feel them and manage them. Something I’m not very good at. He said my some of my depression might be from bottling up a lot of feelings I don’t want to feel. Which is something I do. Something to work on.

                I haven’t seen or done anything with Josh either, so my entire “gay” life is on hold right now. We only have a week left of class and then a week of finals, and then I’m home for a month. It’s REALLY unlikely anything with any guys will happen while I’m home, and I don’t think anything’s going to happen before finals, so looks like I’m back in limbo for a month or two. I really do wish I could find a real relationship. But it’s really hard to find a gay guy I find attractive more than physically. The ones on this one actual dating (as opposed to hookup) site that sound like what I’m looking for are never in my area. All I can find is guys who want hookups. Like this guy earlier today. I was trying to turn him down politely and suggested he should find someone who would be better prepared for a hookup today. He was like “But I want you!” I replied “I’m flattered, but you don’t even know me.” He was so confused by that. He didn’t see what that had to do with hooking up with someone. I really see no hope for my future like this. Seriously, it’s just a bunch of people all about sex. Sex, sex, sex. I’m sick of it already. It would be easier to just immerse myself. However, I don’t want to. I think this is why there’s this stereotype of the newly out guy swearing he won’t be a slut. He’s forced to become one if he wants any sort of intimate interaction with other gay guys. It’s a slippery slope, and I’m going to try my best not to fall down. I probably will, though. Not gracefully, though. Kicking, clawing, and cursing myself all the way.

                This is more of a whiny/bitchy post than most of my recent ones. Oh, well. I have to get it out somehow. Plus I’m slightly depressed tonight. Hooray.

                Anyway, I hope you all have a good weekend.

11-16-12

So this is going to be a short post. I have to finish packing up and then I’m going home for a week. I won’t be able to post at home, and I think I’m actually just going to leave my computer at school. So last weekend was pretty bad. I spent most of it pretty depressed. I ended up going to bed rather than finishing my lab report since I couldn’t stand the thought of having hours more of suicidal thoughts while working on my report. My report ended up being turned in two days late and screwing up my sleep schedule for the week. The TA who’s grading this report is a complete bitch, so I’ll probably get ripped a new one on it. Oh, well. That’s a problem for future me. I had three appointments this week, and I was feeling pretty good about things. I’m actually looking forward to trying some of the things people suggested to help me. Basically it comes down to I need to learn to like myself. My counselor wasn’t nearly as focused on my sexuality thing week. It was nice. I haven’t seen Josh and didn’t have any more awkward encounters with Jorge. I ran the bell collecting donations for the Salvation Army outside a grocery store Wednesday night with Vee. I’m starting to get used to talking about guys and stuff with her. So, yeah, I’m almost done for the week and get to go home. I just have to finish tutoring a girl in an hour or so. It’s looking like break’s just going to be a bunch of sitting around and maybe seeing some old friends from high school. My mom’s mom has been having some really bad back problems lately so that side of the family is coming to our house for Thanksgiving. We usually go out to a restaurant for my dad’s side. I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving and eats entirely too much!

11-10-12

                This is kind of long. I’m sorry about that. But it also has more to do with gay issues than a lot of my dated “journal” style entries. So it might be interesting.

So this week has been insanely full of stuff and everything has happened so fast. Maybe it won’t seem like it when I write it down, but last Monday seriously feels more like 2-3 weeks ago instead of 5 days. So to start, I had an appointment with one of the school counselors on Monday morning. I’ve heard from both him and Dr. H I’m very hard to work with initially, lol. I know I’m stubborn in new situations, but I get past it as I grow more comfortable with stuff. This doctor was kind of at a loss for what to talk about with me until I finally brought up that I’m gay. He, of course, attributes all my problems with depression and no motivation and self-harm to my issues with my sexuality. I have no idea if that’s right or not. He did appreciate the fact that he’s one of the few people I’d ever told in real life. He was glad I brought it up, and I think he realizes how easy it would have been for me not to tell him. Our session would have been completely useless if I hadn’t told him. Of course I knew I’d have to tell any counselor I talked to, which may be part of the reason I avoided going to any in the past. Overall, I did like the doctor, and I have an appointment with him next Monday as well, but the University only offers “short term” counseling so both him and Dr. H are encouraging me to contact an outside practice so I can set up something longer term. We’ll see. I’m kinda sick of all the different doctors and stuff for all this stuff. Maybe my sexuality is the problem and I just need to embrace it. I also met up/fooled around with Josh again Monday night. He actually stayed the whole night, and left in the morning.

                Tuesday I had a test, was a little stressed out, and therefore depressed. Me and Vee hadn’t actually talked in a while since she had been in one of her “I’m sick with so-and-so” moods towards me. When I get down, I just get fed up with lies and subterfuge sometimes, and so I texted Vee asking if we could talk later. We met up after our classes for our drinks. She was going on about something in her life and not really giving me a chance to speak. I was being pretty quiet. After we ordered some stuff, I finally screwed up my courage and said something along the lines of “What if I said I hooked up with someone this weekend?” She was completely surprised and asked a bunch of questions one right after the other until she got to the one I’d been setting her up for. “Who?” “His name is Josh…” “Oh. Oh! You know, I first suspected you might be bi when…” I interrupt “Vee, I’m gay.” I did remember what she was referring to with the suspecting I was bi. It was a drunken conversation with this one guy the summer after my freshman year. She said she thought she was reading too far into my one comment (which was “no comment” in response to the guy’s question) and hadn’t really suspected anything. She asked me a couple questions about stuff, but I started replying with “I don’t know” to everything. I really didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t feel happy and free like most people say they do right after telling someone for the first time. That took a couple days to kick in.

                Wednesday, after my first lecture, I saw Jorge on the sidewalk. He was actually first on an intersecting sidewalk and I saw him from a ways back and just prepared to keep my eyes down and pleasantly ignore each other. I reached where our sidewalks intersected ahead of him and saw him abruptly stop and then awkwardly try and make it look natural out of the corner of my eye. Really? Grow up! We’re both adults, we can avoid acknowledging each other without having to be like Jr. High girls avoiding a boy about it. He walked a distance behind me for a block or two until I had to turn. It was so awkward when I had to turn back to check if there were any cars coming to cross the street. I pretended I didn’t notice him lurking back there, and I suppose he thinks I didn’t see him at all. That’s all you have to do, just let your eyes slide over the person when you look at them. You don’t have to make things super awkward by going out of your way to avoid someone who isn’t even going to try and talk to you. Like I said, I don’t think we would have been that good of friends even if we kept talking. We think differently. Though obviously I still have some mixed emotions about him since I’m devoting so much time describing such a short interaction. I really wish I could get into his mind. There’s a part of the story I can’t be sure about, which is why I don’t want to tell it. Was it all my fault? Is he being immature? Is there another reason that I don’t know? I’ll never know since we don’t talk any more. C’est la vie.

                I think it was Wednesday night Vee and I went to Applebees to eat and talk more. We talked a little more about me being gay, but not a whole lot. She was still adjusting to the idea I think, but I was already starting to enjoy having someone to talk to about stuff. It really is kinda freeing and all that. As I told her, “It’s so weird talking about guys with someone.” We ate out again together last night (Friday). This time we talked more about gay issues, my slight attraction to girls, and how I used to get teased a little for being gay in Jr. High, before I convinced everyone I was straight. I told Vee that part of the reason I was reluctant to come out to her was because she had so many gay friends already. She doesn’t go out and try and meet them, she just does and gets along with them. Of course, I’ve known her for a year or two before she met all her gay friends. But there was still that sense that it’d make me just another one. Vee also has this strange a thing where she’s friends with a ton of engineers. She compared it to that. She said if I suddenly switched to an engineering major, I wouldn’t just become another engineer friend to her. It wouldn’t change that we’re still good friends.

                After that, Vee and I met up with one of her gay friends and his friend. I’d never met him before, and I didn’t like him at first, but I grew to appreciate his sarcastic, blunt humor as the night went on once I realized he wasn’t just being a dick. You could sort of tell he was gay (and he was kind of a whore), but he wasn’t really feminine or flamboyant. Vee doesn’t like that type either, so most of her friends are pretty normal. Anyway, they started drinking. At first I wasn’t going to join, but I decided I couldn’t take them sober, so I joined too. It was fun. Anneh and one of her roommates (a guy, another friend of Vee and me) joined too. Anneh drank, her roommate didn’t. We decided to stop by this one girl’s birthday party. I was being a little flirty with the gay guy on the way down there, and Vee and I kept dropping back to talk. He’s really not my type (though I decided he wasn’t so hugely far off once I got used to his humor, but that was later), but I was still flirting with him because there’s this appeal just because you know a guy’s gay and therefore possibly interested in you. It’s kinda irritating. Most of the time I can ignore it, but not when I’m on alcohol apparently. Oh, well. I didn’t make a fool of myself. We didn’t stay long at the party. I recognized this one cute Asian guy there from my dorm. We always make awkward eye contact and half smile when we see each other. I kinda wanted to go talk to him, but I decided that was a bad idea since we were both drunk and he’s probably straight. It’s easy to read too far into the eye contact when you’re drunk. So I was good and didn’t talk to him. We left the party and Anneh and her roommate kind of abandoned us. The gay guy somehow ended up asking if I was gay. I can’t remember if he overheard one of me and Vee’s conversations when we dropped back or how he got suspicious. I just shushed him when he asked, and he’s like “Oh, you’re closeteded?” He was pretty drunk, way more than me. I was just slightly tipsy. He got a little flirty after that too, but not over the top. There’s a possibility he and I might have done something, but his friend really overdid it and was kind of scarily clingy to him. Which is a good thing, since I don’t need a drunk hookup with one of Vee’s friends. I did send him a friend request on facebook though, and I’ll probably ask him if he wants to hang out some night just to talk. I’m not going to be attracted to him really while sober I think, but he’s the first gay guy I’ve met who also knew I was gay. I want to talk to him, just to compare experiences and stuff like that. I could use a gay friend. We also ran into Lils while we were out walking around. Apparently Vee pulled her friend off to the side and explained Lils was my sister and I wasn’t out to her while I was walking up to her, so I wasn’t accidently outed by my drunk friends.  

                I also shared a thought I’d had a couple times before with Vee while we were drunk. Being gay is like being a really ugly/fat chick. You look at all these guys, you’re attracted to them, but you know most of them would never even consider dating/getting to know you, and they would be disgusted if you actually approached them. Ugly chicks are stuck to guys that can see past the outer appearances to inner beauty. Gay guys are stuck to guys that are attracted to other guys. I don’t know if that gives anyone insight into the struggles/thoughts of the other group, but it’s just a parallel I’ve thought of. The other thing I wanted to mention was again what I said about there being this extra interest in gay guys just because I know they might be interested too. I really do understand the urge to hookup, I really do. It’s just this desire to try everyone, to not leave any possibility unexplored. It’s instinct I think, but I fight it. It’s most noticeable when I go on gay dating sites. I know I’m a pretty introspective person, and I tend to analyze reasons behind my thoughts a lot, which helps me avoid doing stuff just because I want to. However, I can’t believe everyone is that oblivious to thinking about their motivations for at least some of their actions. I simply can’t be that much more thoughtful than everyone else. I’m really not that thoughtful of a guy. I guess most gay guys just don’t care. Not all do though, and I guess I shouldn’t necessarily use the word “most,” since the promiscuous ones are simply the most visible. But I still believe in self-control. Being out to Vee and being able to talk about it does bring a lot of this to my attention more too.

                So yeah that was my week. I have to meet with my counselor on Monday, Dr. H on Tuesday (hooray, she’s back from vacation!), and my residence hall coordinator at some point. I’m not in trouble, but news of one of my scarier spells of depression got back to him, and he’s familiar with my case from last spring, so he just wants to meet to make sure I’m doing alright. I’m pretty sure he’s gay and I might bring up that I’ve been going through the process of coming out lately. He might have some insight to offer, and no matter what I’m sure he’ll be supportive. I still haven’t told Dr. H I’m gay, so I’ll have to do that when I see her next. She might be irritated I left such a huge source of possible stress out of our earlier discussions. Oh, well, her tendency to get in my face and challenge me is half the reason I like her. I like a person that stands up to me just the right amount and can get a little testy with me. It makes me respect them. As I mentioned at the beginning, everything’s moved so fast this week. I came out to my counselor, I came out to Vee, Vee and I have gotten closer because of it (at least temporarily), and I had fun and met new people last night. It makes me wonder if things are still going to move so fast this next week as well. Thanksgiving break is almost here! I’m actually looking forward to this next week. It feels really good to be able to say that :)

11-4-12

So I think this is going to be a short post. I had a ton of tests this earlier in the week. Dr. H and I were kinda worried since stress is a huge trigger for me, but it went OK. I probably didn’t do super awesome on all of them since I had my weird can’t-force-myself-to-study-until-an-hour-before-the-test thing, but I guarantee I passed all of them. Dr. H called me last Sunday on her day off to make sure I had plans and stuff in place for how to make sure I was OK for the week. I really respect that lady. She definitely does care about her patients. My last test was on Wednesday night, Halloween. I drank after. I was texting that Jorge guy, and long story short, we aren’t talking anymore. I was kinda down after that, blaming myself  for the whole thing for a day or two, but now when I think about it, I can see where it was also partially his fault. I will say what happened wasn’t sexual or a huge argument. Oh, well. I apologized and I learned something about myself, and if he doesn’t want to talk, so be it. We wouldn’t have been that good of friends anyway. Our personalities and outlooks just don’t mix. Thursday I was too hung over to do anything so I missed all my classes. Oops. Friday I finally gave in and met up with this other guy online. Let’s call him Josh. He was actually really fun to talk to and insanely hot. We ended up doing some stuff. Kissing guys is way better than kissing girls. We’ve been texting a little, and I’m hoping it’ll turn into a friends with benefits thing. Josh was really fun to talk to. He’s a very outgoing person. I wouldn’t mind just hanging out with him without any other stuff going on ;) We’ll see. So, yeah, I wasted my Saturday, watched Paranorman (I liked it), and wasted most of my Sunday. I’m meeting my older sister for supper, and then I’m going to have to write a short paper after. Not terrible. I hope everyone else had a good week.

10-24-12

So first off, I would like to say thank you to my new readers. However, I would also like to point out that I can tell from the number of page views that you haven’t read the rest of my blog, so I’m just going to warn you I don’t talk a super amount about the whole gay thing, so this might be a bit of a boring read. Posts #14 and #16 (the one I’m sure most of you read) are the only ones that are entirely about being gay. Otherwise, I write more about what’s going on in my life with classes, friends, starting meds, etc. But again, thanks for your interest and I hope you enjoy! There’s also some gay stuff towards the end of this post too if that’s what you want to read.

So, it’s really been a while since I’ve posted. More than three weeks. A lot’s been going on since it’s a busy time in the semester, but stuff also hasn’t been that great. Sorry for how long this is btw. I mentioned in my last “journal” post that I didn’t think my prescription for antidepressants would be changed since they seemed to be working well. Dr. H did end up upping my dose just a little, but I decided to wait to start that until after my test later that week just in case I got side-effects. When I took that test on Wednesday, I felt horrible about it. I got super depressed afterwards and went to hang out with Vee. It was bad. The next day I started my new prescription. I did end up getting a few side-effects, but not nearly as bad as when I first started fluoxetine. That week was also my older sister’s birthday. I had to come up with an excuse to not drink with her since I was still avoiding alcohol with my prescription (I still haven’t told anyone in my family about my drugs). It was fun though. We went to a bar, she drank, and I just ate. My parents also came down over the weekend, since it’s about half-way through the semester and close to my sister’s birthday. I always get kinda irritable with them when they visit at college. I love going home to visit them, but when they come here, it always seems they’re intruding. Plus my new prescription was making me super tired. So they took up a ton of my weekend, which was really bad because it was a weekend I really needed to get shit done. Basically I got nothing done, had a slight breakdown, could barely force myself to study the whole next week. I did really bad on my test Tuesday, didn’t get a presentation done for Wednesday that I was supposed to, and didn’t turn my lab report due Friday in until the next Monday. I will also say that after Monday/Tuesday I now will have even more scars to add to my collection. Fuck.

                So with the presentation I was supposed to have done Wednesday, I talked to the professor, ended up explaining my problems (stress + anxiety = depression = unable to work + vaguely suicidal) and he was pretty good. He postponed my meeting with him until Friday. I still didn’t have much done by Friday, and I didn’t even start working on my presentation until early in the morning the next Tuesday, the day I was supposed to present it. It went OK considering, but it was definitely a little rough. I was actually supposed to meet with the professor this last Monday to discuss how it went, but he was late, so apparently we just missed each other. Instead, I’m supposed to meet him this next Friday. We’ll see what he says. I suspect he’s not super pleased with me. So the Friday I met with that professor (I love that professor by the way. He’s a great teacher and was super helpful during our meeting) to go over my presentation before I gave it, Barry actually came into town for the night. We went out to eat, went out for hookah, went to a bar (I had one beer over the course of an hour and a half. Damn meds) and then caught lunch before he left the next day. I hadn’t seen him since last spring, so it was fun talking to him again. So the next week, after turning my lab report in on Monday and having a quiz followed immediately by my presentation on Tuesday, I really just chilled the rest of the week. Until Friday. I had an appointment with Dr. H on Friday and she was most displeased by my new “scars” and bad record with stuff interfering with school. She told me to stay on my antidepressants since they might be helping a little bit, and also gave me a prescription for an antipsychotic. I know that sounds scary, but I’m just supposed to take one when I get in my weird agitated moods to help me calm down and not do anything stupid. She also told me to set up an appointment for counseling. She recommended an outside place, but I’m going to try the University first. My mom’s taking a while to tell me whether or not our insurance covers the place Dr. H recommended, so I just decided to try the free one first. That appointment’s next week. I also have to meet with Dr. H again this week. We had been doing a couple weeks between appointments, but she’s really not happy with me. She even stole my key to the lab I work in so I don’t have access to any chemicals. So tomorrow I’m probably going to have to explain that to my research advisor. Oh, well. I probably should have told my research advisor a while ago.

                So the same Friday that I had an appointment with Dr. H is when I really noticed Vee getting into bitch mode with me. Part of the reason she and I have been close so long is because we can tell when the other’s had enough of us. Then we just kinda avoid each other for a bit and act like nothing happened when we finally do start hanging out more again. Well, this time Vee has been anything but subtle in trying to avoid me. She’s been really snippy with me and downright rude sometimes. Like I said, I really noticed it last Friday for the first time and it came out of nowhere, with no warning. Last night I texted her asking if we could hang out or if I should just take one of my antipsychotics instead, she replied that I should start being more independent and to take a pill. Translation: stop being such a whiny, clingy bitch. Fuck you, Vee. She knows exactly what I’m going through and she decided to dump that on me. She’s dangerously close to pissing me off permanently. I can literally stay mad at someone for years (depending on how badly they piss me off. A year’s most normal, though there’s one kid we’re on three and counting. He almost got me suspended, though). So that night, since Vee obviously didn’t want me to drink with her, I bought a six pack and drank alone. It was actually really fun. I talked to my neighbors (also drunk) for the first time, this chick at the front desk who knows Swahili and wants to move to Africa (she’s very white), and this one kid (also very drunk) who I met outside after I fell down, among others. I actually ended up mentioning I was gay to the kid I met after falling down. He said good for me and that his best friend from high school was actually gay. Not bad for my first experience coming out to someone in real life. I knew Anneh was studying somewhere that night, but she wasn’t texting me back where, so I decided to go looking for her (I love people/company when I’m drunk). She was actually the first place I looked, a coffee shop. I sat there with her and her friend on my computer and chatting for a couple hours until the place closed. I’m a little loud when I’m drunk, but I don’t think I was super irritating. Plus, I’m funny when I’m drunk so it all works out. I then went back to my room, texted a friend from high school, and watched Adventures in Babysitting while I sobered up. I woke up the next morning with essentially no hangover, and proceeded to do nothing the rest of the weekend. I did hang out with my older sister on Saturday and Lils on Sunday.

                So this week’s been a kind of limbo. I haven’t really had anything going on, but I’ve been super depressed the last couple days starting Monday (today’s Wednesday). It’s been random since stress is my major trigger for this stuff. The antidepressants haven’t seemed to be helping much, and I’ve been pretty bad. I’m not truly suicidal, I just think about death and ways to kill myself a lot, but I have no intention of going through with them. It’s just been stressful, and my notes during class have definitely suffered. I haven’t really talked to someone since Monday, since Vee’s being a bitch, but I think I’m meeting Anneh tonight after my evening class. I really need some company. I really have the last couple days. That’s why I texted Vee when she told me to take a pill and to start being more independent. So yeah, I’m definitely looking forward to getting to talk to someone. My depression’s been weird today. It was really bad this morning, with an almost constant state of despair going on. Then I started just getting random moments when I was almost fine. Then those started taking over and I was just getting random flashes of despair. That’s still going on. It’s kinda exhausting. I’m definitely going to ask Dr. H about it on Friday. I swear to you I didn’t use to be this crazy. This has been going on for less than a year. I really don’t know what triggered it all of a sudden. My older sister had something kinda similar her junior year in college, too, though I think her thing was a little less severe than mine and she let it affect her school work more. I really hope I can get this figured out. I’m sick of wanting to just give up on absolutely everything. I’m sick of feeling alone. I just want someone to be there. Not trying to make me feel better, but just letting me know they’re there for me no matter what. My family would do that for me, but I have this weird aversion to telling them stuff. I really hope my depression clears up tomorrow, since I have three tests next week and I should start studying tomorrow. I’m really worried since stress is usually a very bad thing for me and the tests are all one day after the other starting on Monday. We’ll see.

                So finally the stuff that might be more interesting to my gay readers: I got an adam4adam account almost two weeks ago on a Thursday (the 11^th). I have no intention of doing just random hookups on there, but it’s been easier to find other guys my age who aren’t looking for hookups either than I thought it would be. I’ve talked to several guys and thought we’ve been getting along alright, but they stop messaging me randomly for some reason. I’ve found other guys who are masculine and in the closet, and it’s been fun. I’ve also talked to some older people. Most of them have been creepy, but this one Australian guy was really nice. I wouldn’t mind talking to him again. He seems to more be on there to talk and lightly flirt than anything. He was pretty cool. And he was only in his mid-30’s so not super old. But there has been one guy who I’ve been talking to. Let’s call him Jorge. Obviously he’s Latino. He was really fun messaging, and we exchanged numbers, so we’ve been texting. We actually started texting while I was drunk last Friday. He was getting drunk with his sister and cousin (he goes home for the weekends). Our conversation remained pretty casual throughout, so it doesn’t seem either of us are desperate or horny drunks. He’s not out either. We decided to meet for supper on Monday. We both still live in the dorms (he’s 21 and a senior), so we just went to one of the eating halls. His pictures were a lot hotter (he’s very photogenic) but he’s still just fine in person. I kinda like that he’s more average anyway. He’s completely normal too, and not a huge partier or anything. Our conversation never turned to anything gay since we were in public. He said when we were messaging each other that he just wanted a friend he could be himself around. As you maybe can tell, I’m pretty obviously at least a little interested in him. Unfortunately, I have no way of knowing yet if he’s interested in return or if he’s really just looking for friends. We’ve only exchanged a very few texts since Monday. I’m always the one initiating our texting conversations, so I don’t know whether to interpret that as he’s as shy as/shier than me, or I’m being a pest. I really hope not I’m not bothering him. Even if he’s not interested in any sort of relationship, it’d be fun just to have a gay friend I can relate to. Unfortunately, we have no classes together, no mutual friends, and it’s a busy time of the semester, and he works back home on the weekends. It might be a little hard finding time to hang out together to get to know each other. We’ll see what happens. I’m sure I’ll write about whatever happens, or you can email me and ask more if you’re really dying to know. I’m kinda doubting anything comes out of it, but I can hope, right? I need some hope in my life right now.

                Comments on anything are appreciated. Especially advice for depression and school work. I know that has to be kind of a downer to read about, but I’m sorry. It’s my life. I actually kind of enjoy it in a weird way. At least looking back on it. Anyway, my evening class is soon and them I’m meeting Anneh, so I better get this posted and go. Hope everyone has a good rest of the week. Happy hump day!