8-27-12

So I was writing these weekly entries on Saturdays, but the last two have ended up being on Mondays. I’m never as productive as I want to be on the weekends. It took me one week to fall back to laziness/unmotivation. As my random little post Wednesday (was it Wednesday?) showed, my depression already decided to come back. I’m still holding off on setting up an appointment with Dr. H though. I really want to try and get through this on my own (and with some friends).

                The first week of classes really wasn’t too bad. I didn’t have much homework, just reading to do. I fell behind on that this weekend already, but I still have time to catch up. I’m just going to have to be productive in the evenings this week. I blocked most of my fun sites on the internet, so I’m hoping that will help. Unfortunately, you can’t block sites on Internet Explorer, so I find myself just going to that instead. I’m just hoping I can make myself not do that. We’ll see how that goes. So obviously, the first week I met all my professors. I’m really excited about most all of them. They seem like they’re going to be good. My biochemistry professor in particular seems like he’s going to be a good time. He’s British, and constantly says hilarious things in class. My favorites so far: “I’m surprised so many of you are here in class. I heard (insert my university here) is the number (insert embarrassing small number) party school in the U.S. (recently, from a legit source, too. Apparently the University President isn’t happy). Shouldn’t you all be face-down, drunk in a gutter somewhere?” Also: “On the way home in my car, I heard a song by a woman claiming to be made of titanium. That’s just factually incorrect. (We were talking about the elements found in living things.)” Sadly, the only professor I’m slightly pissed at right now was one I liked last semester. I’m taking a class with him where we had to all agree on a time to meet in the evenings. We could only go one certain night since other people had stuff on other nights. He offered us three times that we could have class that night, and we took a vote. Everyone voted for the middle time, except me and one other person. We voted for the last time, since we both had class during the middle time. He’s like, sorry, I’m not going against the vote. You’ll just have to figure something out. It’s like, wtf? I have to be at both of these classes. Why can’t you push it back just a fucking hour, and fuck the vote? Whatever, I’ll get it figured out. That professor may have finally figured out who I am, though. He never seemed to remember me whenever I had to talk to him last semester. When I gave him my name this semester, though, he was writing it down and was all of a sudden like “Oh, that just clicked. Glad you’re taking this.” So I think he knows I got like the top grade in his class last semester.

                So let’s see, what else? I had to call to make a payment for something on Tuesday. Before I did that, I had to call the bank and raise the limit on my debit card for the day. Then the payment still didn’t go through. So I had to call the bank again, and they thought it was because the payment was too much for being paid over the phone. So I had to call back to the place I was trying to make the payment to, and ask them to split it up into two separate ones. And every time I call that place, they always ask, “Why don’t you do this online?” Because I can’t get on my fucking account and you’re ITS department isn’t responding. Believe me, I’d much rather do stuff like that online. I hate the phone. So what else. I met with my undergraduate research advisor Wednesday and found out which grad student I’m going to be working with this semester. I kinda sounds like another kid might be working with me and my grad student too. That night I had a discussion section that the TA didn’t show for (they just assumed we knew we wouldn’t have it since it was the first week). While we waiting for class to start, this girl comes in and sits between her friend and some random guy. The first thing out of her mouth: “I suppose I should introduce you two. (To the guy) What’s your name?” It was pretty amusing.

                Thursday, I had my first lap swimming class (I’m taking some PE classes to finish my Gen Eds). Holy fuck it was hard. I was so tired afterwards. I almost threw up on the bus home. There was a creepy old guy wandering around the locker room after class got out. There’s some older people who use the gyms and stuff, so that wasn’t too weird. What was weird is that he’s walking around naked without a destination. Like, not to the showers or something. Whatever. Later that night I was walking down the sidewalk and I heard this kid telling his friend “So I saw my dad having sex with my other dad the other day…” That’s all I heard. What an odd line to hear just walking down the sidewalk. Friday, Zee actually sat by me and Vee in our biochem lecture since he got there a little late and his normal spot was gone. He’s a nice kid even if he is a bit awkward. I got my annual cake from my mom for my birthday. I just don’t tell her I end up throwing most of it away since I don’t have nearly enough people to share it with. So I turned 21 on Saturday, so I went to Walmart with Vee and Nett and bought a bunch of alcohol for them since I wanted to buy something but didn’t need anything myself. I was the first of my friends to turn 21 (except Barry who’s gone. Except he was apparently in town on Saturday and didn’t text me. He was like “you should have texted me.” Why would I know you’re in town without you telling me?) so I didn’t have a big party or anything. I went out to eat with me and my sisters, and then me and my older sister went to a bar and got kinda drunk. I walked her home and then I went and hung out at Vee’s for a little bit. She was drinking there with Anneh and a couple other friends. She gave me a present: really bright pink boxer briefs. I’m actually wearing them right now. They’re pretty fun. I didn’t get super drunk on my birthday, but I woke up Sunday with a pretty bad hangover. I didn’t have a headache at all, but I was super nauseated. I actually ended up throwing up before going back to sleep for a while longer. When I woke up again, I was still sick. I was supposed to go to this training session thing with Vee and Nett so I would be eligible for a job I want. I almost didn’t go, but Vee talked me into it and gave me something she had to settle my stomach. The training thing was all afternoon (there was an awkward part when these two people asked about my scars), and Vee and I went out to eat afterwards. After that, I sat and didn’t accomplish anything all evening since I was pretty depressed for some reason, even though the day had been pretty fun. Then today was just normal class. I had my first Inorganic Lab experiment. I’m hoping I didn’t poison myself, since all my glassware had crap on it and I spill stuff everywhere, and I ate right afterwards without washing my hands. Oh, well. One of the perks of being suicidal is you don’t care if you accidentally poison yourself. But yeah, that was my week. I know you were all dying to read that. I’m hoping I’m not so insanely tired after my swimming class tomorrow morning as I was last week since I have to meet my grad student afterwards. I suppose if I am, you’ll read about it here next week (not that I have many repeat readers, I think). Until next time.

*Ugh, my wireless internet in my room has been super bad lately too. I’m not sure if it’s the internet or my computer, but either way, I’m getting pissed.

Sigh

    So I don't know what it is, but when I move to a new place, my emotions get put on hold for a week or so. It's not really a bad thing. In fact, it's really kinda a good thing, since it means I don't get depressed. I think it's just my mind adjusting to my new surroundings. My appetite will also be a little off when I go somewhere new. And it's not homesickness, since the same thing happens when I move back home. The bad thing is, the blues do come back. And they decided to come back hard tonight. I'm feeling better now, but it wasn't fun for a bit there. I really hope I can get on top of this this semester on my own. Being outside and exercising are supposed to help, so I'm definitely going to try to do that more. I never did make an appointment with Dr. H to start meds. I always can if I really need to. The only problem is that I probably wouldn't be able to get in to see her right away if necessary, and then meds take two weeks to start showing effects. And I doubt I could keep to my decision to take meds for long enough even if I did start them. Some days I just really don't want to drug myself. Advice anyone?
    In an attempt to distract myself: I mentioned I might talk about what I want in a guy in an upcoming post. I might switch that to actually trying to dream up my perfect life. I could use a pleasant dream. Of course my pessimist, cynical, realist side always kills them eventually, but it's worth a try. Later.

#14

A reality: I’m gay

                So most people would think, big deal, you managed to put that anonymously on the internet. But for me, this is a step. Not a huge one, but still a step. If I do post this. This may be something I write and don’t ever post. We’ll see how I think it turns out. A bigger step than this was the first time I posted in the comments of a gay kid’s blog that I read. That was the first time I actually put somewhere that I was gay for other people to see. But that’s out of order. Let’s start at the beginning.

                As soon as I hit puberty, I knew I was attracted to guys. There wasn’t any avoiding it. Girls just didn’t interest me. Now, when I was younger, I didn’t have a lot of friends that were guys. I attribute this more to me not really being into sports and having two sisters rather than me being aware at a young age that I was gay. I dislike the people that say “I knew I was gay when I was (insert some ridiculously young age).” No. You might have known you didn’t fit in with other guys, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you were going to turn out gay when you finally hit puberty. Maybe you could’ve turn out to be just awkward and weird and that’s why you didn’t fit in. Going along with that is the people who say “It took me (their age) years to accept my orientation.” No. Again, you couldn’t know you were gay until your sex drive came in. So it was actually a lot fewer years that to get used to being gay. But I digress. I was obviously attracted to guys, but I also denied it to myself. I only thought about guys, but I told myself that it’d change as I got older, I’d start liking girls. Guess what, it never did. It’s really only been the last year, and the last couple months especially that I’ve really thought about what me being gay will do for my life. I always used to picture myself marrying a woman and having kids. More recently, I’ve found myself now picturing settling down with a guy and starting a family. It’s a step. Not a huge step, but a step. I did date a girl for a bit once in high school, but I chickened out when it became obvious she had way stronger feelings for me than I had for her. I still talk to Ex, and I’m pretty sure she would go out with me again if I asked, but it’s never going to happen. I just don’t like her that way.

                So where am I on the whole gay thing? I don’t really know. I’m still 100% in the closet. Not even Vee, my closest friend, knows. I was feeling tempted to tell her over the summer, but she met a ton of gay guys through one of her friends, and hearing her talk about them, I don’t think I want to come out to her. She isn’t homophobic at all (I mentioned before she has a Grindr accout), but she does let a person’s orientation color her view of a person, whether she realizes it or not. I’m bad tempered, but I feel like if I came out to her she’d think of me as a bitch instead of cranky. I don’t know if that’s how she’ll think or not, but it’s what I fear. I think I could come out to complete strangers a lot easier than I could come out to my friends. I also will definitely not be coming out to my family any time soon, if ever. My family has always been pretty homophobic. My mom and Lils have been getting better the last year or so (one of Lil’s friends has a lesbian sister who is married), but I don’t think they’d take my orientation super well. Yes, I know they would still love me, but they would also judge me. They were weird around me for weeks after they found out I hurt myself. I couldn’t bear to go through that again (and probably even worse) if I came out. Any advice someone who stumbles across this page can offer me would be appreciated on this topic.

                So have I done anything with a guy before? Yes and no. There was a guy in my school that I started doing stuff with at a young age (it’s for this reason that I question the Nature theory of homosexuality and lean more toward the Nurture with nature maybe giving some predisposition. I still have no idea if that kid ended up gay or straight *Edit: I still do not think it's a choice at all though), and we continued a little as we got older. However, I still consider myself a virgin, and I’ve never even kissed a guy. (If you want any more detail than that, we’ll either have to be really good friends or dating.) I have kissed a girl before, but that’s about as far as I’ve gone. I’m kinda torn though. Even though I’m not really religious, I was raised so, and I still like the idea of waiting until marriage (I would love to find a religious husband who thought this too). However, I would also like to try it with a girl, just once to make sure it’s actually not for me. (I do occasionally have brief periods of being attracted to girls, but I’m always still attracted to guys as well. If I was straight, and had such small attractions to guys occasionally, I’d be able to ignore it just fine. Makes me wonder about most guys…) But then I wouldn’t be waiting. So maybe whoever I marry will just have to be content with being the first guy I’ve been with. I still don’t know. (Again, advice welcome.) I also don’t know that I’d be able to actually say no if a hot guy asked me to do something with them, though. They can’t ask me if they don’t know I’m gay, however! Plus I can try and just date guys who respect my choice to wait (if they don’t want to wait until marriage, I’ll at least wait until we’re very far/serious in the relationship). If I do come out, I refuse to become one of the stereotypical sluts. I’ve always been about self-control and moderation, so hopefully it won’t be a problem. I also suspect I couldn’t do casual. I’d probably fall for any guy I did stuff with (like the guy from my school). I don’t like feminine guys, only guys that seem pretty much completely straight. That does make it a little hard to meet guys that I would ever want to date. I don’t really like the whole bar/party scene, and I’m not going to the LGBT group on campus. I’ve met some of those kids before and they are all way too much for me. *Edit: Not that they're super flamboyant or anything, just that so much of their lives revolves around their orientation.* So I don’t know how I’ll ever find someone. If I did come out to Vee, she’d start suggesting a bunch of gay guys she knows that I don’t want to date. She’d try and get me laid, thinking she was doing me a favor (she’s kinda a guy like that, even though she’s also a girly girl. She’s full of paradoxes). I scoff at relationships so much, she says she can’t wait until I’m in love for the first time. She thinks I’ll be in the clouds, all like “I never knew I could feel this way.” Which is fine if it’s true. It sounds like a nice experience.

                So what am I like? Pretty much like I’ve described before. Nerdy, a little awkward, not much fashion sense, too long of hair (I’m growing it out to donate it, and I know it looks terrible, and I hate it just as much as everyone else who sees me with it), smart, a little grumpy (you just have to know how to deal with me), sarcastic, cynical (I like to think in a fun way, though), and oddly optimistic about some things and pessimistic about others. I don’t think you can tell I’m gay by talking to me. I was a little feminine when I was younger, but I got that teased out of me pretty quick. I’m still not super masculine or anything, but I’m also not feminine. I’m pretty neutral, kinda like a lot of nerds. So I guess I’d call myself “straight-acting” rather than masculine, though I know some people don’t like that phrase since it implies all gays act “non-straight”. On the whole stereotype thing, I guess I’m not into cars or sports (though that’s mostly because my dad wasn’t either, so he didn’t teach me even though he knew about them), I sort of enjoy musicals (though I’m by no means obsessed with them or anything), and I’m friends with more girls than guys (but I do have friends of both, no problem). Stereotypes I didn’t get, I’m not artsy, I’m not fashionable, I hate to shop, I don’t know celebrity gossip (or who most of them are for that matter), I can’t dance, and I have absolutely terrible gaydar. I often find myself counting signs in guys that I like, even though I know they’re not actually there. Terrible gaydar. Unless a couple guys make some very shocking announcements in the next couple years. Then my gaydar would be epic. But I doubt it.

                So basically, my being gay doesn’t define my life. It definitely adds stress, but not nearly as much as my craziness/insecurity about grades (it’s the first day of classes and I’m already worrying and going through “What if everyone else does better than me?” in my head). The main source of stress is the uncertainty. I’m OK being in the closet for now, but I also can tell I won’t be content with it forever. Will I have to move away and cut myself off from my family to live my life? Will I ever find someone I can see myself spending the rest of my life with. Will my friends still see me the same if I come out ( I feel like Barry would, but he’s gone)? And that’s why I say fuck reality: The added uncertainty to my future. It is impossible for me to picture my life in 10 years, even just what I hope it will be. Oh, well. I’ll find out when I get there I guess. I’ll just try and focus on the present and immediate future for now.

                So yeah, that’s it: the truth about me. I’m sure I left out some of the stuff I wanted to include. Oh, well. I can always slip it into future posts. I don’t know how much I’ll talk about being gay in future posts, though. I have no gay friends, no boyfriend prospects. It’s just a part of my life that’s on the backburner for now. So don’t follow me hoping for another gay blog. I might include a post about my ideal guy soon, but that’s the only thing I have planned for now. If I really wanted readers, I would’ve started with gay posts a long time ago. One blog I read mentioned he had 10x the number of views that I did when we had the same number of posts. But again, I’m doing this blog for myself, to organize and face my own thoughts. So it’s OK if I don’t get a ton of readers. Until next time.

8-20-12

So I haven’t had a super interesting week. Let’s face it, when do I ever. So starting on Sunday, the 12^th: Lils and I went to That’s My Boy. It was hilarious. Me and Lils were laughing the entire time, and no one else in the theater was laughing all that much. It was a little embarrassing. Definitely worth the money we spent. It’s sad it got such bad reviews. Anyway, my dad also took me minigolfing that day. He wanted to go do something with me, but it was a little windy for bikes. Oh, and if any animal lovers were worried after my last post, our cats did show up the next day. And apparently there’d been a skunk coming around, so we’re not sure if it was the skunk or raccoons that made a mess in the garage. So after that, I basically sat around all week. Lils had to move down to college on Wed/Thurs, and I was supposed to go help with that, but I didn’t since she had way too much crap in the car. Plus, they were going to spend the night at my aunt and uncle’s and get to the college the next morning. I’d be fine with that, except my mom wanted to get there for supper and spend the whole evening there. I get it, she wants to see her sister, but I really don’t have that much to talk about with my cousins. So that was another reason I didn’t really go. We did get to see one set of grandparents before Lils and I went to college. We had supper with them at a restaurant on Tuesday night. That was nice. So I moved down to college on Saturday. My older sister had to work until 5, so my parents didn’t want to get down here until late afternoon so they could see her. So I got moved in a little after 3 in the afternoon. I don’t know what it is, but as soon as my parents are in my college town, I get pissed off. I don’t know why, it’s like they’re invading somewhere they don’t belong. College is a place for me to be independent. If I want to see them, I want to go back home, not have them come down. So anyway, we all ate at Chili’s and then they left. I met up with Vee and two of the people she’d been hanging out with this summer. We stopped by this place where a bunch of people were grilling and just sitting around talking. It was alright, but I wasn’t in the mood for people that night. Even the two people Vee was with would have been pushing it. So yesterday, Vee texted me that she wanted to go work out, so I go the rec center, wait for her outside, she never responds, so I go inside to look for her. I don’t find her, so I run on the track, and then look around for her again. She never did show, so I left. She texted later that she’d fell asleep. We ended up meeting for a late lunch instead. It was so weird walking around campus. I go to a large school, so obviously there are a ton of people I don’t know, but it’s also amazing the number of people I recognize that I see walking around. Oh, I had a class with that guy, or Oh, that girl’s friends with Ed. Me and Vee then went to the bookstore and I got most of my books, and then we went to hang out at her place. We just watched TV and talked until we met up with our friend Bat and went to supper. I don’t see much of Bat since we don’t have any classes together, so it was nice to talk to him. Vee then was planning on going out and drinking with some people (none of us have early class), and I told her to text me what she ended up doing. I don’t know if I would have gone or not, it would have depended who was going, but she never texted anyway. So I’m not sure if she went or not. Whatever. So now classes start today, and I have a bunch of small little errands to run afterwards. At least I don’t have lab this first week, otherwise I’d have class from 10:30 until 4:30 today. Instead, I get out at 1:30. Anyway. I shall finish by posting a short list of goals for this semester:

1)      Exercise: Run 3 or 4 times a week and try and go swimming or something a couple times too

2)      Continue to kick ass in school. I’m getting to upper, more competitive classes

3)      Take good care of my teeth. They’ve kinda been crapping out the past year (ironically, they start having problems when I’m taking the best care of them I have in my life)

4)      Spend way less time on the internet. This includes facebook, comedy sites, and more *cough* personal sites.

5)      Learn to love myself. Or at least my life. Hopefully I’ll be able to move past my depression this semester.

6)      Branch out and find new friends. I love Vee, but she’s the only really good friend I have left here at college. I need to either become closer with some other friends or find new ones.

8-11-12

So we just got back from vacation in Colorado this evening. It was OK, I guess. My family doesn’t deal so well with being all cramped together for a week. It’s actually worst the first couple days and gets better as we go, but the first couple days are terrible. I also don’t deal super well with altitude, so that makes the first couple days a little nasty as well. My dad gets really crabby on the drive out there, and doesn’t like navigating new areas. After I get over my initial bad mood, I start to enjoy seeing everyone else miserable. Terrible, I know. But it’s easier to laugh at people being in a bad mood than letting them put you in a bad mood as well. So we didn’t do a whole lot while we were out there. We drove around, saw the mountains, went to a couple parks/sites. We stayed with relatives a couple of the nights, which was really fun. I love the relatives out there. One of them told me a story from his chemistry class back 50 years ago or whatever. He got one of the highest grades in the class since he’d memorized the periodic table for the test. He scoffed a little when I said we were given the periodic table for out tests nowadays. But if you think about it, what good is a test that you could ace if you just had a periodic table with you? What does that teach you? It really drove home how much the focus of teaching has changed, from memorizing the fundamentals, to understanding and applying the fundamentals. Our tests are still hard, even with the periodic table. They’re just way different. The trip was also a little frustrating since we were so close to the Coors plant, and you get a couple drinks with the tour (at least a couple years ago when we did it), but my 21^st birthday isn’t for another two weeks from today. So I didn’t get to go sample Coors products on a tour. The best part of the trip was this one hike I went on. It was a really steep trail from the top of a pass to the top of a mountain. My mom and Lils stopped maybe a quarter of the way up to wait for me to finish (my dad was waiting in the car since he doesn’t like climbing with no air). It was a cloudy day with occasional drizzles. When I was standing on top of the mountain, I started hearing thunder, so I got down pretty quickly. When I got down to my mom and Lils, they’re hair was standing up from the lightning in the area. Mine was too, but I hadn’t been able to tell since I was on my own at the top. It’s a little scary how easily I could have been struck by lightning while I was up there on my own. That’s what made that the best part of the trip for me, though: learning of the danger after the fact. We got back tonight, and there is no sign of our cats. They’re outdoor cats, and we left food and water for them and the garage door cracked. However, they’re not here and there’s signs that raccoons have been in the garage. We’re not sure what happened to them. Hopefully they’ll show up in the next couple days. Anyway, I don’t want to go into every little thing we did on the trip, so that’s all I have for now. I’m typing this on my laptop and will probably get this posted Monday. I haven’t had any internet since last Monday, and probably won’t get on the computer until tomorrow morning since Lils is hogging it tonight. I move back to school in one week and classes start one week from Monday. I can’t wait to see Vee and my other friends again, though it will be sad without Barry. I haven’t seen any of my friends from college all summer. Vee and Barry weren’t that much fun to text this summer, and I suspect they were busy with their own things. I guess I’m not really a big texter and I’m not close enough with anyone else to text them over the summer. I guess I did text Anneh (pronounced ann-EH) a little, but that was all I texted for my college friends. I really don’t know how it’s going to go without Barry around and Vee not living close to me. I will have one class with Vee, but I’m still worried about drifting away from her. I do love that girl sometimes. This summer she texted me a couple of times: she made a Grindr (some gay dating site or phone app or something) account using one of our friends who’s a guy as her alias. He has no idea she did that. She just loves talking to gay guys. I asked her what they did when they found out she’s a girls and she was like “Oh, they just think I’m confused.” Lol. She knows exactly what she’s doing. Facepalm. Anyway. I guess I should go. Until later, my nonexistent readers.

8-4-12

So this week really wasn’t too exciting. I ran into a girl who graduated with me on Saturday while grocery shopping with my mom. I told her we should get together this week, but I never did get around to texting her. I suppose she can text me as well, though. Maybe she’ll be around after we get back from our vacation to Colorado next week, and I can see her then. It would be nice to see her; she’s super fun to talk to. She’s going to dental hygienist school this fall, which is pretty much the perfect job for her, I think. Me and Lils went to watch a movie with another friend from high school. He actually just graduated with Lils this year, and he’s planning on being pre-med. We’ll see how that goes. I think he has a bit of a romanticized idea of what it’s like to be a doctor. He doesn’t think he does though, since he went to some camp last summer for kids interested in medical careers. Oh, they never lie to high school students and make careers look more appealing than they actually are, do they? Whatever. Anyway, we watched Safe House, which I hadn’t seen before. It was pretty good. On Tuesday, I had lunch with Lils and Ex. It was alright. Afterwards, me and Ex wandered around a rather large cemetery looking for this supposedly haunted spot where cameras won’t work. We didn’t find it, but it was still fun, though it does get a little awkward being alone with Ex sometimes. On Wednesday, I had supper with another friend from high school. She has serious attachment issues. She couldn’t stand leaving home to go to college, she’s starting to think about grad school in two years, and she doesn’t want to go more than an hour or two away and wants extended family in the town she chooses. Really? How do you plan to survive once you graduate? You have to make it on your own sometime. She’s a little out of touch with reality, but she’s still fun to talk to and catch up with. We were wandering around the mall, and Chik-fil-a was ridiculously busy for that national support day. The line was SO long. My older sister also came home for a couple days on Wednesday. She and I went to the new Batman movie on Thursday, which was alright. Yesterday, I had to drive her to appointments and stuff because she had to get her eyes dilated at the eye doctor’s. My mom worked a ton this week, which is unusual for her. Now today she’s trying to get stuff ready for leaving next week for Colorado. Me and Lils might go to a play tonight. I don’t know about that, we’ll see. We finally gave away the last of the kittens this week. Out bloody cat is back in heat already. We really need to get her fixed. But yeah, like I said, not the most exciting week. Later.

*Edit: Lils and I did go to the play: Dog Sees God. It was pretty good, both funny and sad. Of course, I knew what happened in it before we went, but still worth it.